If a problem seems impossible, you are trying to do two things at once.  Just pick one.

- Megacles


30 Minutes Later - Megacles - Strip Club

“These cops are going to murder us.” says Candy, my new stripper friend.

“I don't think they do that.” I say.

“You should read the paper more.” says Candy.

Sad Cop had called more police, and they arrived in the form of Alpha Cop and his flock of beta cops. Now Sad Cop is sitting in a corner booth with his wife, Shooter McCuntypants. She also looks sad. Also, she’s unrestrained.

Alpha Cop is at central table with Shoulders. Ostensibly, it’s a police interview, but neither man is speaking. Instead, they are trying to murder each other with intense eye contact.

The beta cops flutter around doing beta cop stuff.

Candy and I are huddled in another booth, as far from Shooter’s as possible. Why the fuck wasn’t she in handcuffs?

“Okay, I've got her figured out.” says Candy, pointing at Shooter. “She's psycho and wants to kill her husband for his moral failings. She had to kill him in public, because drama needs an audience, or something.”

“So rude.” I say.

“Right? I don't murder my loved ones at her place of business. She should extend me the same courtesy.” Candy points at Sad Cop. “Her husband has Stockholm Syndrome. He’s trying to keep her out of jail.”

“Poor guy.”

“Poor us.” Candy corrects, “We’re the inconvenient witnesses.”


“Yeah. Anyway, that’s their story. The only thing I can’t figure out is - who the fuck are you? Why are you rolling with her? What’s with the massive dildo?”

“I just wanted a drink! She invited me in for a drink! I thought she was asking me out! I’ve never seen her before! The dildo was just an impulse buy.”

“From the sex shop on the corner?” I nod. “That makes sense. Their impulse buy section is crazy. I went in for condoms once, and ended up with a football up my ass.”


“No, I’m exaggerating.”


We sit in silence for a bit.

“Did you put anything up your ass?” I ask.

“What’s going on with you?” Candy asks.

“I never got my drink! A crazy cunt led me on so she could kill her husband! I’m recently divorced. I haven’t been laid in ages.” I say

“Okay, come with me.” She says. She grabs some bottles from the bar; beer, whiskey, wine.

She leads me to a room that is mostly mirrors. She lays the bottles on the bar and gestures invitingly. I grab a beer and drink deep. She lays herself on the couch and gestures invitingly. I kneel down and dive in.

There's knocking at the door, but I ignore it. I'm almost dizzy with happiness. More knocking. Probably just the police. They can wait, I'm busy. Although, it could be Shoulders.

“Hey, should we get Shoulders in here?” I ask.

“Do you mean Brian?” Candy asks.

“Yeah, probably.”

“He's married.”


“I'm pretty sure that's the police anyway.” Candy says.


She laughs. The knocking turns to pounding and shouting.

“Excuse me for a moment.” I say. I pop up, and drag the couch to block the door. She looks up at me happily. I kneel down and get back to it.

The pounding on the door is getting a crunchy tone. I stop playing around and focus on her clitoris. She lets out a little squeal and spurts a bit in my mouth. Wow, I'm pretty good at this. First try, ladies. I look up, and see an axe head driven through the door an inch from her head. Shit.

She's frozen, staring at the axe. It gets pulled back. I grab her legs and fall backwards. We hit the floor just as the axe crashes through the door and smashes into the couch.

I'm fucking furious. They could have killed her. I kick the busted couch aside as Alpha Cop kicks the door in. I get in his grill. He draws his gun.

I instinctively reach for my dick, but it's gone. All I have is my itty bitty butt plug. Damn my prudish butthole. It's left me defenseless.

A beta cop leans in with a Taser. The fucker zaps me.


About the author

Doctor Zero


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