Original ONGOING Action Adventure Fantasy Romance Anti-Hero Lead LitRPG Low Fantasy Magic School Life Supernatural
Warning This fiction contains:
  • Profanity
  • Traumatising content

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I’ve started writing a new novel, so please go check it out! It’s called It’s An Isekai Story, I Think? Go check it out guys!

 


One minute, everything was normal, the next minute, Earth became like a fantasy novel. Unique powers called skills awakened in the residents of Earth. The day the world changed was called Omega. A few years after, people decided to found schools that taught children about these skills and how to control them, along with how to deal with monsters and physical training. It was all for the sake of a safer future. These schools were named Academies. 

Join Damon Zellar as he experiences life in The Royal Academy in England, while constantly seeking strength. One particular day, he stumbled across a unique system so impressive, that it could shake the power balance of the world, but no one knew about this mysterious power. What is the origin of the system, and why was he granted such a treasure?

An unknown organization is also after his life, causing Damon to discover even more about his past. Will dark secrets await, or a truth so unbelievable that Damon himself wouldn’t even believe it? What will be Damon’s destined fate? To die or to live?

 

***

Authors Note: He receives the system after a few chapters, just if you wanted to know!

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2_L33T_2_LIFT
  • Overall Score

A cliche novice light novel

It is ok but there are a couple problems. First it's really confusing that the MC doesn't now what skills are when he has lived in this Magic world all of his life and has a noble friend.

Also that the girl accuses him of rape and everyone seems to believe her but no one really does anything officially and the teacher just waves it off.

The pacing is extremely slow and everyone just fucking hates the MC just because he is a commoner witch would not work because most people are commeners this is why their are no french royalty if a video got out of that girl bulling him in the beginning or the guy beating the shit out of him there would be a revolution instintly. 

Tldr: this story is super slow and cliche and the characters are 2 dimensional and don't have motevs that make sense 

Spoiler: Spoiler

 

 

uncultured
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Crunchy Like a Potato Chip

Omega System - it's for people who like LitRPGs. It doesn't really go out of its way to carve its own niche, but if like watching a hapless protagonist climb to the top of the world and beyond, hey, maybe it's your cup of tea.

 

The style is very rough early on, but does eventually get better. It seems like the author wasn't sure of what they wanted to do and as a result each early chapter is a little different than the one before.

 

Story is definitely the reason you would read this. It's the classic LitRPG mix of getting revenge and climbing to the top of the ladder, and hey, I chew down that kinda stuff like chapters are potato chips.

 

Grammar-wise, eh, the author clearly cares enough to proofread but it can be a little on the simple side.

 

The real problem is the main character. It's like his skull was specially designed by the government to crack walnuts. He seems to have no clue what's happening around him and stumbles through his life like a sleepwalker. I enjoyed my time with this novel but kept hoping somebody would kill this massive dork and steal his role as protagonist.

MissSunshine
  • Overall Score

I think it's got potential. I can definitely see it being popular with the younger audience. The story has yet to take shape so I can't comment on it. The grammar is fine. I like the characters so far, and I find the world to be interesting.

All in all it's pretty good, and I'm really interested in seeing how this one develops. 

DefinitelyAGiraffe
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Interesting, but the kid is a bit of a mong

This review is valid as of Chapter 3; which is as far as I read. 

Style:
I have no queries with the style. There are parts of it where the transitions feel less than smooth, but not like sandpaper. It sort of works in places, then feels massively out of place in others. In the end, it sort of balances out and moderately works for what it was supposed to be doing.

Grammar:
There are a plethora of double spaces, missed spaces or wrong words in the first few chapters. They're basically able to be missed, the only reason I noticed was because I was looking for issues with it. They didn't take me out of the immersion and, believe it or not, somehow managed to work well with the style. I don't know how, but the grammar mistakes are often but not an issue - although it would be better if they were fixed. 

Story:
Three chapters in, not sure about the story. Clearly, it has something to do with his father's red eyes, and that his mother told him to control his temper. I would put money on it that 'having red eyes = you're bad, judged and angry' but I don't know. It really does confuse me how he can be a self-sustaining fourteen year old with no explanation. A four room apartment must be somewhat expensive, and I doubt he's working to pay it off - and he's a commoner so I doubt he received an influx of money from his parents' will either. 

Eh, there's a lot to unpack about it but the story does have a very fantasy feel to it, the sort of thing that MissSunshine was right about: it does feel like it'd appeal to little kids. But then, if you're doing that, it doesn't really work to have them swear or cuss in it as well. There's quite a few issues, but the story has promise from the start.

Character:
The fiction focusses too much on pre-defined roles. The commoners are looked down upon by the nobles and at times even by other commoners. Instead of trying to create an interplay between the various strata of society, the superiority of nobles is invoked at every turn.

Damon has his fair share of moments that should've been obvious, but he didn't catch onto (especially with the noble purple-haired person). However, he does have potential and it does seem like he wants to learn. That's always a good sign and makes the character be 3Dimensional. 

It's clear that this the author's first story, and there is a huge amount of potential for him to get better. At the moment, it isn't even bad, there's just a lot of bits that need polishing. The story is intriguing, it makes me want to read on and it has a lot of things that are relatively good. It's just that the author needs to read more and write more to find his style and learn how to execute things better. All in all, it will get better as it goes on. 

Anyway, has potential 3.5/5 

sjs9999
  • Overall Score

Very stilted. I think the following excerpt from chapter 7 says it all:

 

”Except for that guy over there. He’s a lowly commoner that tried to rape me!”

Rachel pointed at Damon with disgust, while also adding disgust into her voice. She was trying to convince the class that he had done something wrong!

“W-what are you saying? I never did something like that! That’s a false claim!”

...

The class stared at Damon with cold expressions. The 5 girls and 3 boys started agreeing with Rachel.

 “That sounds like something a commoner that doesn’t know his place would do.”

Drz400sm5
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When I read stories I expect a storyteller to use a verbose vocabulary, prose that makes your mouth water. Ideas that are new and creative. Talking to the author I don't understand why he couldn't copy the novels extra.

Why does the main character randomly learn teleportation? Why does the narrator switch between lit rpg and milk watered prose? Why does the main character sware like a sailor and is vindictive to every one. 

Has the setting been planned out or is it created on the spot? Usually you would be dripped fed information, if there was a larger world than the authors first thoughts. There is no guilds, or villIan to fight especially no devil. It seems directionless and honestly boring.

With no plot in sight or character to develop as he is a Mary sue, it seems rather plain and milk toast at least it's better than meta world chronicles.