The Whimsical Dungeon



Chapter 6: Consulting the Slightly Rude System


At first, upon hiding herself in the broom closet, Crystal had mentally prepared herself for a skeleton to come tearing open the closet door and attack her at any moment... but none ever did. Seconds turned to minutes, yet still, not a single sound was heard from within the brig in which her tiny dungeon now sat.

“Haa...” she sighed, after five minutes passed without an incident, finally relaxing her guard somewhat.

“If I had known that there were evil skeleton pirates I would have been a little more cautious about all this...” she complained.

Then, after silently shifting herself into a sitting position within the closet, she whispered, “open DP menu...”


DP menu
DP: 9 + 1/Hr


“Minions,” she selected, almost immediately.

She felt that, in her current situation, having more allies was all but required.


DP menu: Minions
DP: 9 + 1/Hr

-Goblin(2DP): A cunning green humanoid that lives to follow its baser instincts.
Originally 5DP. Price changed due to lust and envy starter traits.

-Bullet crab * 2(3 DP): A crab capable of launching almost anything small enough to fit inside of its cannon-like appendage, via magic, as a projectile-based attack.
Originally 1DP. Price changed due to dungeon location.

-Skeleton pirate(5DP): A skeleton somewhat skilled in melee combat. Comes with a pirate-themed outfit.
Unlocked due to dungeon location. Originally 7DP. Price changed due to envy starter trait.


“Ugh... is the menu messing with me right now?” she complained upon seeing her options, “Well whatever, I’ve got nothing against the skeletons when they’re allies rather than enemies.”

The reason she did not select four goblins instead being the current size of her dungeon.

“Summon pirate skeleton," she said with a somewhat excited tone, it was her first-ever minion after all.


Skeleton pirate(5DP): A somewhat skilled skeleton in a pirate-themed outfit. Unlocked due to dungeon location. 2DP discount due to envy starter trait.
-Shape body
-Select outfit
-Choose gender


“Ooh...” She said as her eyes lit up “I can make use of this...”

She then quickly went through all the options, altering this and that as she pleased, spending most of her time in the clothing menu.

“There, done... Now, purchase,” she said with glee upon finishing her masterpiece.

Less than one second later the skeleton that Crystal had designed popped suddenly into existence in front of her... from rather unfitting poof of hot pink coloured smoke.


Congratulations! You have achieved the milestone of summoning a minion for the first time!
You have been awarded 10xp!
You are now level 4!
9/16xp remaining until level 5!
You have been awarded 1 trait point!


Upon materializing, the skeleton then proceeded to simply stare at her with a vacant expression, awaiting its orders...

“It’s perfect,” she muttered happily, before immediately giving the skeleton its first order, “now miss skeleton, lets swap clothes shall we?”

She said so with a large smile plastered on her face.

Yes, the reason Crystal had spent so much time designing the clothes of the skeleton was simply because she intended to immediately snatch them for herself.

Which, over the course of the next two minutes, is exactly what she did, leaving the skeleton with nothing more than a simple potato bag dress to its nameless self.

The skeleton in question didn’t really care however, it was a skeleton after all.

Crystal, on the other hand, was overjoyed by her own new look, which she believed to be quite dashing in appearance.

She wore a hot pink bandana, chosen to match with her eyes, and decorated with tiny white skulls, a light brown leather vest, dark brown leather boots, and some loose-fitting tan coloured pants.

She would have made a hat and shirt as well... but that would have cost extra...

Although it was incomplete, and all rather low quality due to being meant for a skeleton to wear, Crystal was ecstatic about it regardless.

A moment later, however, Crystal remembered her current, rather dire, situation, and quickly suppressed her current feelings of amusement. She would have time to bask in them later after all.

“Ahem! Now then, Skelly,” Crystal began, addressing the skeleton which stood a few inches to her front. It straightened its spine as she did so, “that last message reminded me that we currently have two trait points available. So I’m gonna go check out that menu right away.”

The skeleton continued standing at attention as it awaited its orders.

“...kill any crabs the moment they show up, okay?” Crystal said with a smile and a lighthearted tone, though in actuality she was only about two percent joking.

The skeleton gave a firm nod in response to the perceived order, then turned its body to face the door, awaiting the potential attack of said crabs.

Satisfied by that reaction, Crystal spoke softly, “open trait menu.”


Trait menu
TP: 2 + 1/Level


“Hmm...” she pondered briefly, “open all four.”


Trait menu: Offensive + Defensive+ Support + Utility
TP: 2 + 1/Level

-Dungeon consultant(1TP): An artificial entity in which the dungeon core can consult with on all matters related to the dungeon. Recommended for dungeons of low intelligence.


‘...Just one option!? One!?’ She screamed internally, ‘there's no way these menus are working properly right now, is there, and what’s with that description!?’

All she could do, however, was grumble about it, as nothing else appeared in all the time that she waited.

“Fine, purchase the stupid dungeon consultant,” Crystal said sharply, “I’ve got a lot of questions for them anyhow.”


Notice! You have spent 1TP on ‘Dungeon consultant’!
‘Dungeon consultant’ now activated!


There was a moment of silence following the message.

“Ah... they are a consultant after all...” Crystal said as she realized something, “Maybe they can only reply to things.”

Crystal had somewhat been expecting the consultant to introduce themselves upon being purchased.

She briefly spent a moment to organize her thoughts, before asking a question, “Consultant, the menu never gives me very many options... What can I do to fix that?”

The reply came almost immediately.

“Level up, kill, absorb, and be smarter,” an androgynous, voice replied to Crystal, seemingly originating from the air itself.

‘Eh...’ thought Crystal, taken aback by the response.

“What do you mean?” she questioned, more curious then mad.

“Dungeon cores acquire menu items by levelling up, killing or absorbing the corresponding thing, paying DP to unlock things which you have knowledge about beforehand, or acquiring the corresponding blueprint, only then is it added to the menu,” The voice replied casually.

Crystal had considered this idea previously due to the summoning of the broom closet, which probably wasn’t in the menu, and the acquiring of the bullet crab, which announced its addition to the menu upon being killed.

She, however, had mostly dismissed that thought due to a very recent event.

“Then why did only you show up in the trait menu?” She complained, “you can’t be the only thing available at my level, and I certainly didn’t know anything about you beforehand.”

Crystal believed this question to be unanswerable, and that there was truly nothing the menu could say in defence of the system this time.

Sadly, for Crystals pride a least, a moment later the consultant did indeed reply, in a slightly sharper tone as well, “opening multiple menu categories at once acts as a filter, only showing things that overlap between all categories selected, the dungeon consultant is the only trait you know of at your level that overlaps in such away.”

“But-” Crystal tried to interject.

The consultant on the other hand, merely ignored the interruption and instead continued talking, “It does not show the content of all menu categories ‘merged into one’ as you seem to believe. Such is the reason for your limited clothing options as well.”

“Oh, so tha-” Crystal began once more.

The consultant, however, continued talking, unperturbed by the second attempted interruption, “In addition to this, and your level constriction, the menu only shows things you can afford by default, thus your impressive level of poverty is also a mitigating factor...”

‘...’ Crystal was in shock, having been subtly called both poor and stupid in the span of a single minute ‘my consultant seems to really dislike me doesn’t she?’

After vowing internally to deal with her consultant’s personality issues at a later point in time, Crystal asked another question, “so, consultant, what do you think I should do with my remaining two DP?”

The consultant replied simply, “Buy a simple torch to ward off the darkness outside, and a simple club to club with, You already had both unlocked in the menu upon reaching level one... Then fight and expand as a dungeon should."


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