A new life...
For someone like me who have been living under the same roof with my troublemaker sibling, I always fought my way out only to be sent to the hospital. My friends are no different either though they can be kind of helpful at times.
One day, I finally died for committing another ridiculous deed... but unexpectedly, I was given a chance to live a second life! I thought I was finally freed from having to fix things up, but reality will always throw you something different just for a kick. Damn it all!!
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After hearing how many times you keep revamping, it has hurt my expectations a bit. since I can’t tell if I am about to start reading a story that will just get dropped and thus not reach a conclusion. But, you needed proper reviews and the 2 before this don’t seem to be giving any advice so here it is:
Note: This review is based on the story and sidestory up to and including volume 2 prologue and nothing after. Since I quit reading at this point.
—Accurate as of 01/06/2015—
Grammar has clear issues that need fine tuning. this does not require revamping your story, just lots and lots of minor alterations to fix errors and improve the quality of your writing. It’s my belief that getting used to writing at a high quality makes it easier to write quality pieces in the future, as it sets a good precedent to work with (no writing more does not improve you as a writer it makes habits harder to break)
In many places throughout even your early chapters, you have written sentences that include multiple tenses, plurals applied to singular and awkward flow of the story. However, most important is the extreme ‘wordiness’ and the inclusion of… err… more sophisticated terminology(?) that feel quite out of place.
Conversations can sound quite awkward due to the ‘wordiness’. It is in a person’s nature to try and get as precise a meaning as they can out of as few words possible. Excess words used awkwardly to construct a sentence will come across as awkward sounding when the reader subvocalizes. Conversations sound more natural when they are short and to the point, if a question is asked more often than not, the best or most appropriate answer is the short direct one. answer only what was asked with some expansion if it is necessary to flesh out the situation (for example reporting an attack on a base, quickly announce the attack is occurring, where and by whom it is being committed, then ask for orders or make suggestions or further report any actions already taken. be direct and to the point)
Story & Character & Plot
Put simply… It feels like genre’s and theme’s have been added and removed with all the revampings, in such a bad way that parts still linger and make the whole thing unbearable. the story starts on a reincarnation note with a gender-bender twist, the MC is critically ill from birth and thus grows up living he life of a doll, a beautiful girl but extremely fragile and bedridden. after this we see mention of warriors and mages marking the new world as a fantasy theme. these alone would make for a good basis to a story when built upon, a comparison for this would be mushoku tensei-type story, minus the young age superpower magic training. however the story after this starts throwing out game-terminology in random inappropriate places, “root” used as a cheap version of a VR games system windows where fantasy world alternates would be more appropriate, despite there being no traits, signs or hints that this is a “game like world” suddenly at the beginning of the 2nd volume monsters are being referred to by levels as if it were natural. The MC who is supposed to be the main focus (or at least 1 of them) has done so very little for themselves, that I am even beginning to doubt this story is even about them at all, and not the person who is next to them at nearly all times, doing nearly everything.
An important piece of information to remember is that when Fei shows his adventurers tag, 3 things (everything but his name) stand out as quite unnatural. He is an adventurer at age 9… okay I guess if he is a magic genius and does nothing too dangerous… but no, he is a Rank B warrior type. Is rank B good or bad? we know nothing of the adventurers rank system or at least where rank B places in the scheme of things. An accidental kiss seemingly gives him “master” sub-class powers over the MC, I’m honestly shocked it wasn’t rapist or sexual harasser, y’ know something more appropriate. so he is a 9-ish yr old boy, who is a rank B adventurer (warrior not mage, IMPORTANT) who can fight against a demon general… despite an insane level of lethal-fatal injuries that would cripple even the best of fully grown, fully trained, a-rankish warriors/fighters. Now there are multiple “gamelike” message hints that basically scream “this is logical because he has contracted a demon” sort of vibe, oh and he hasn’t gone through puberty yet, which is when a human child starts forming a real set of musculature.
At this point, despite not reading the whole thing, or knowing what the story was like in previous revampings, I can only say that there is too much, too many ideas shoved in, too many awkward descriptions where simpler would suffice, too much “head fantasy” without enough pacing or structure to make things seem natural.
let’s look at this story on the basis of the entire 1st volume passing in the terms of what the “MC” of the story has actually achieved:
- saved a child and died, reincarnated into a female body
- hits a boy, falls in a river, has 1st kiss stolen, nearly killed by a wyrm, passes out in a cave head bleeding, wakes up at home.
- spends 2 years or so training with no apparent signs of progress and gets sent off to train elsewhere
- tries to save another little girl from a group of monsters, is nearly killed by fire with Fei taking the brunt of it, faces a demon general and uses a skill to kill it despite never having practiced the skill at all, just imitating what she once saw.
- manages to dodge a curse from a god but passes out dying, clawed apart in Fei’s arms. gets kissed again. wakes up in a cabin belonging to their original target and has to face a torture-like training session.
out of what happened above at least, the only things the MC actual chose was to save 2 little girls from death and spend some time on training, even her first “outing” which should have lead to us learning about where she lives, ends up foiled after meeting just 1 bloody boy and rolling into a river.
the other things the “MC” apparently did are insanely impossible things like ‘try to kill a demon general’ ‘using a skill she never practiced’.
So a whole volume passed and the MC has yet to actual achieve anything of importance to themselves and the story. many things get mentioned and yet are not expanded upon as if it is taking for granted that we already know how it works on even just a basic level.
- fix grammar present in the chapters already done (can ask for a proofreader or so to help with this)
- adjust the reveal rate of key information to match necessity, with a few exceptions of excess (such as when someone is being bragged about, or revered, or compared to another, or speaking of an event they participated in etc)
- increase realism in character behavior and consequences ( 2 children not even 10 years old facing a demon general spells instant death, a demon king that can wipe out humans countries in the blink of an eye would already have done so ending the story before it began, et cetera)
- do not assume that the reader knows enough about your story worlds facts, unless you make a point of telling them. we know Fei is a supposed rank B adventurer, but nothing about what that means or how that places in the adventurer community. we know the father’s boss has quite a few roles, yet that has no relevance with how the rest of the volume proceeded
It’s nice to see a lot of chapters to the story, I can only assume this was due to positive support from a reader fanbase, however that same fanbase has failed in providing you appropriate advice to improve yourself and your story, thus failing you.
OK, I think it's time for a review. I've been following this story from maybe chapter 5 of the original, non-revamped story. This was due to, in part, a lack of gender bender stories on this website. There were only around six decent ones, and this was one of them. Now that there has been an increase of stories in this genre, I would say that it is time to give this story a fair review.
Now, let's start of with the style of the story itself. This story seems to follow the traits of a gag manga, where character expressions are exaggerated. This leads to comedic situations that plays off as "humor." Unfortunately, this type of style doesn't work in written fictions, and even only barely work in manga due to presence of facial expressions. Reading this sometimes is painful, and it honestly feels as if though the author adds dialogue to just add dialogue without thinking about the effect on the story. In fact, I could probably go into every chapter, cut out around 50% of the text, and the story wouldn't even change. There's too much filler. I don't think most people want to hear this broken record repeating: "Is he a pervert? A geezer? A lolicon? Maybe all of them together?' Adding more text for the sake of adding text does not make a story.
Futhermore, let's talk about the story itself. All that I can say is that it severely lacks focus. First, we have this sickly child meeting this boy, then we have this training session, and then we have this school arc. As a reader, I have no idea where this story is even going. What are the MC's goals? Aspirations? Anything for that matter. She seems to just go along with the flow... and that's it. As another reviewer mentioned, barely any of the story is a result of her own choices, she just gets pulled along. Not only that, I can't even see where you're going with the side story. The lack of realism is disheartening as well. It seems most people can't make a story with a natural flow and introduce stuff too early. The amount of child badasses that I have seen is honestly unreal.
Grammar is also flawed as well. In my opinion, the biggest problem aren't the errors themselves; I can give some leeway to that. The problem is that the flow of the story is incredibly choppy. Sentence fragments are especially up the wazoo.
Characters? Well, let's just say that they're incredibly unrealistic. Charlotte seems to have a personality switch on her, and I don't see why she grew up to be a yandere anyways. Her former life doesn't contribute to that, and her new life has her bedridden for half her life. Again, why did she grow up to be a yandere type character? For Fei, I have no idea why he has the hots for her. She punched him as soon as she met him, then she fell and he saved her from drowning, and then we suddenly have him admiring her for... some reason? Leon is okay, but I have no idea why he's in the story in the first place. Other characters feel like add-ons and they're there just to be there. Case in point, Fei's sister. Is she there to be a love rival? Why? I don't get it.
Overall, this story is too choppy, too unrealistic, and does not have enough focus. I would suggest that you improve the story in these regards.
I like reincarnation and gender bender stories.But this story is a let down for me.its a bit confusing and lots of stuff doesn’t make any sense. Also Like a reviewer said above this story severely lacks focus.
I wanted to enjoy this since I'm into Reincarnation and Gender Bender, but it feels like they were added in just for the sake of having it in the story. Then suddenly we find out his old world has Norse gods running rampant... It's all over the place. The chapter after that included interplay that seemed to be heavily based on Log Horizon.
It's only redeeming feature is that at least it didn't have Batman, Superman and Dragonball characters in it.
Reading up Vol 1 and starting Vol 2, I just can’t help but telling the world that I feel like I’m
playing an otomege vn reading some fantasy shoujo novel. Cringe worthy even…
The novel quality itself is decent. Seems Revisions were decent enough… Let me gather my motivation first before I continue reading past V2C1 cringe-worthiness….
'Sigh' 2nd or 3rd revamp? Anyway pls re-upload all your chapter and update a new chapter as soon as possible. And pls pls plsss make this your last revamp. I know you want to improve your story which is good but i dont think you need to always revamp your fan fic to improve it. just make the new chapter more interesting, all you need to do is to make your new chapters more interesting to improve your story. Many readers like me who already read your fan fic twice or many more times are waiting for you to update your new chapters. Goodluck.
I've read volumes 1 and 2, and i will say one thing:
Why is it that you throw random bits of information around? In the middle of the battle she suddenly knows the name of the king of the mountain? First she has the mindset of a guy, but when training is over she suddenly thinks Fei is her boyfriend? How did she find out about his identity? There are many bits of important information that are just thrown into the story without explanation! It is also a bit confusing to know who talks in a conversation if there are more then 2 people. Finally i must say i didn't understand half of the things that were in the sidestory or in the god's pov's. (for example it isn't said that the cursed magic circle that appeared under the demon general came from Helios's sister or not) And also, since when can a curse CAST BY A GOD be dodged?????
Chapter 3 is where I will drop it. I can predict where the story is going with Fei, and I'm not liking it. I thought everything else about the story was nice. I liked the fact that the MC was very weak and had lots of medical problems. I do wish that that was the main attraction of the story. The MC dealing with a weak body while they want to explore. I'd be ok if it wasn't even about the MC getting powerful. Just the MC struggling and finding ways to not be bound to fate and be a sick girl all their life. Like @Blackfyre said in Ch 3, it's really weird he has no issue or qualms about forming a relationship with a little boy when he has lived a past life of 17+ Years and however old the MC is in this life. The mental age makes it kind of creepy.
This is also just me, but I dislike a character that is like the mother. That keeps teasing and pushing their child into something they don't want or act overly parental.
I liked the story, for the most part, just the Fei character that ruined any interest for me. It's not like I'm saying he needs to be attracted to a female either and this story will suddenly be perfect. I don't think the story would be harmed in any way if the MC never had a love interest. Even if instead of Fei, it was a girl that the MC became childhood friends with. It'd still probably work better.
I still like it but compared to the first one it feels like some necessary information is left out at times whether its background or plot related leaving me a bit confused.
We like your fanfic...in our own ways
For me ...You can revamp all you want as long as you don't stop... ehehehe
You can do it! Good Luck!