The Wizard of Evermore

by Gummy

Original ONGOING Action Adventure High Fantasy Magic Male Lead Portal Fantasy / Isekai Strong Lead

Endless plains stretched out before him as he laid his eyes upon this foreign view.

The only thing he noticed before him was a floating semitransparent  screen. It told him nothing of his status and revealed nothing of his current predicament. It said only one thing:

OnCreateMagic () {

FormOrbSize (10) }

 

 

(Credit for the cover image goes to the Codespells team)

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Waffle(est)
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Nice idea, Questionable WorldApiImpl

Review written at 3 chapter mark. too early for an advanced review imo, nice idea but theres potentially room for improvement.

With all the litRPG novels coming out it was about time someone gave a nod to how a virtual world is implemented exposed the world to be manipulated via a programmatic interface. Bonus points for that!

Now to the actual story. It is not explained at all why suddenly upon arriving in another world he would be greeted with a hello-tiny-ball-of-light in a blue box or why this would have any effect on the world around him.

Another thing is that we have no idea what the world API is yet the MC just writes code calling functions that are not defined anywhere and magically everything happens just as he expects?? At the very least it should be explained how he gets this knowledge whatever the means actually is. Is this the same interface his favorite MMO used internally? Is there a reference he can see in another blue box? Programming is about sound logic and managing complexity a lot of the time, having things happen for no other reason than conveniance is especially fragile in this setting.

OnCreateMagic reads "after magic had been invoked do this" to me, In other words if i were to encounter this sort of callback in code i would expect it to be called after magic had already cast yet somehow this name is given to a function that either is responsible for creating or at least configuring magic to be cast. Please consider if you are naming things well before you are locked in(it might be the appropriate name and im just misguided, well see i guess).

Another note on the WorldApi, why would it seem to have functions defined in upper camel case and then suddenly have FormOrbsize with a lower case "size"? For a real program a typo like that would likely not execute (unless its a strange case-insensitive language)

More on the programming aspects.

FormOrbsize seems to create the orb and SetOrbspeed  set its speed but how do we know they are talking about the same orb? Is there some global handle to the current orb or something? Do the functions magically read your intent?

If you cant even be bothered to keep track of what should obviously be a simple local variable then your whole programming model will fall apart once you start to build on it and construct more complex spells. (Isnt that the whole point? You want to be able to construct complex, powerful, never-before-seen spells with your access to the divine turing machine.)

This is not strictly bad but this is not any syntax i'm familiar with, for proofreading purposes it would be nice if your novel-ware-programs were syntactically valid in some existing programming language, thus you could test them for trivial mistakes at least or we could reason about them at some level other than just believe that the Mc is a genius programmer that magically only writes correct code even when its full of typos.

Maromar
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The Wizard of Evermore does some interesting things with its premise. Magic, for our dimensionally displaced protagonist at least, is operated by code. Other than that, it’s the standard Isekai LitRPG fare that’s so common on RRL. The gemstones attached to creatures and their behavior is also of note, but with us so early into the story (chapter 16 by the time of writing, whether it’s a gateway into a robust and compelling world or a simple gimmick is still to be determined.).

Honestly speaking, I want to like Connor. He displays a basic level of rational thought that many protagonists of this genre simply lack. From the moment he tripped up a flesh eating rabbit with the creative use of a blank kinetic orb followed by fireballs, I knew the combat would be more than “lol I am haxxor, die.”. Good on Gummy for that. I cannot, however, forge a connection with Connor, there isn’t enough information about him for me to feel one way or the other. With the story at 58 pages, this is not a good sign.

The devil lies in the lack of details. The narrative is written without much introspection or glances into the way Connor is feeling. Surely the world is much different than the one he was ripped from; does he miss anything? Is he getting withdrawal pangs from not having a computer or any of the usual luxuries handy? A character’s emotional state lends itself greatly to the tone of any piece of fiction, without it, we aren’t watching a story unfold, we’re reading a textbook or a case study report. Granted, the plot so far isn’t bad. There’s a clearly discernible path of events, and they aren’t meandering without a purpose, they just aren’t being presented in a way that’s very inspiring. The issue on that front is embedded into the story’s composition.

First and foremost, there’s redundant phrasing in quite a few places. Precious words are spent on reiterating information the reader already has, or spending too much time on a single aspect. This hammers the overall story flow, making it feel clunky in all the wrong places. Take this clip, for example:

Spoiler: Spoiler

 
We already know what the FireBall spell looks like and does. In this case, the paragraph is already large, and Connor is in combat. Clunky phrases here can kill the tension and sense of urgency that’s supposed to be delivered. It can be trimmed into something like this:

Spoiler: Spoiler

See? Snappy, urgent. Economizing here will reduce reader fatigue, allowing your exposition and lengthy narrative sections take up more space without feeling boring.

Additionally, there’s an issue with spelling and grammar, a good beta reader and/or free programs like Grammarly can help with that.  

Don’t let my criticism knock you down though, this is a legitimately good piece. It just needs some polish. Carry on, and don’t stop being awesome.