Catastrophe occurs. Humanity and beasts escape to a world beneath the earth. Discoveries are made and humans and beasts transcends. Years pass… Wars shape the territories and sovereign forces in the new world, below the earth. In this world where the strong is dominant, a boy with great potential and aspirations for strength is born. Will this boy strive and achieve his dreams? Or will he be crushed by the callous Martial world?
Story is finished in my Patreon page. Will move on to publish only in my site with more frequent release rate.
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The core elements of this long-form fanfic are all here. An extensive, well considered backstory, thoughtful world building, a variety of characters, a decent set of potential antagonists, etc.
However, after reading all the chapters up to Book 2, Chapter 13, I am left with a somewhat disgruntled, off-kilter feeling – a sense of everything not quite coming together.
As other readers have mentioned, the start of this fiction suffers greatly from a vast dump of exposition. Too much history and world building buries readers like an avalanche. And then this cycle is repeated. Though I understand the urge to explain a nifty world and try to establish the “foundation” of the setting, I feel this approach does a disservice to both story and reader. The story – much like life – isn’t something that benefits from having everything laid out at the beginning. Part of the joy of fantasy and sci-fi is the process of discovery and synthesis: the reader enjoys the opportunity to put together the “puzzle-pieces” of explanation placed by the author. Understanding the universe becomes a process that parallels the characters’ adventures. Like going to school, you don’t learn everything at once but rather bit by bit. I think a good fanfic explains just enough for the reader to understand what’s going on. From the readers’ perspective, a massive info heavy opening poses a big obstacle. If they don’t just drop the story entirely, too much upfront backstory may encourage the reader to just skip or skim the provided info, which then negates the whole point of detailing it. Furthermore, for many readers, this kind of opening isn’t as “entertaining” – sure they want to understand the setting, but they want to be drawn in and excited by the work too…generally textbook lessons aren’t the kind of thrill a casual reader seeks during down time.
The later parts of this work suffer from a much more difficult to describe problem. As such the following comments are going to be less useful / constructive and i apologize in advance, i’ll try and edit them later to clarify if i can.
1) style – Something about the style and pacing just doesn’t click with me. The pacing is off, though the plot itself generally flows in a logical fashion. Most chapters just aren’t exciting but rather feel like I’m being presented with what’s happening but not quite sharing in it. Sometimes I feel like the best parts of the unfolding events are glossed over and the less important ones receive extra attention. The plot advances but it feels kinda like plodding rather than Wow! More great adventures or Zowie! Another crazy conflict with complex implications.
However, I do give the author uber-credit for pacing the MC’s power growth and showing his training / development in a realistic fashion.
2) as for characters, I can’t say that the main character really evokes much sympathy or interest. A few side characters have potential, like the sister, but mostly I feel the overall development / depth / appeal of the characters in the fiction is lackluster. The dialogue is decent and there are several spots where I smiled at the character interactions. I wasn't a huge fan of the MC's behavior patterns / choices during the "core hunt" arc so I've incorporated that judgment into my low score here.
3) the grammar - it's solid and the descriptions are pretty good. Comparatively, this fiction achieves a happy level where spelling and sentence composition errors don’t make readers slap their foreheads while trying to untangle the words.
4) the story – a boy grows up in a post-apocalyptic xianxia underground world (and will likely venture forth and kill monsters and investigate the surface) is a fine framework. There are appropriate training and school and friends & family arcs. Outside of the painful opening, I won’t level too many structural criticisms here.
This is just a brief review based off the two chapters I've read.~
Story: The world building is wonderful, though I would recommend adding more "butter." By that, I mean adjectives! (E.x. In the prologue human and beast had fled into tunnels beneath the earth.) Now with EXTRA BUTTER!: The surface world was changing, forcing humans and beast alike to flee; deep beneath the earth's crust, into a recently uncovered labyrinth of tunnels below. (lol maybe too much butter!) Anyways, I always recommend adding extra adjectives! (Don't worry about it :D)
Grammar: I'm not a hypocrite, so I won't preach about: comma placement, sentence structure, blah-blah-blah. What I will recommend, is a quick web search on the uses of have, has, had, will etc. They can be confusing(English tenses usually are~), yet a brief review of these and what tenses they infer; would hopefully help author-chief with maintaining a solid base for past, present, and future sentence writing!
Anyways, back to reading! :D
Just binged my way through all your chapter gotta say it’s good compared to other Web Novels.
4.5 stars why i didn’t give a 5 is just mainly some minor grammar errors and the long intro to the story.
Just my opinion but i think the setting of the background to your story was a tad too long and slightly confusing on who the MC would be.
I liked how you went the route of instead of using strengthen one strengthen all where you split up the cultivation routes similar to Desolate Era e.g. Body Refining and Qi Refiners= Ki Refiners though yours don’t seem to use magical treasures so that’s different.
I’m surprised that for ethics in your story you went the route of Old China Xianxia where higher society can stamp on the poor and nothing will happen to them, considering your time period is 5000’s.
I had presumed initially the moral code would be something similar to Swallowed Star where there is a set up police system against abuse of power, though i know this diminishes as people get stronger, but then the Martinez family didn’t seem that strong so yeah didn’t expect them to so easily casually kill civilians.
Conclusion keep up the good story telling and i hope to see whether he becomes a rank B or stays a rank C when he returns to society soon.
HueHueHueHue i hope to see him dominate cave 25 soon with his strength.
great story keep it up
Grammar could use a little bit of work but nothing I can't live with
It’s a new feeling for me to read something that takes away the redundancy of too quickly over-powered characters. It has good pacing, a good flow, and it to me it feels that the characters have a life of their own even when they aren’t mentioned in the chapter. Time continues with the other characters even when they aren’t being focused on without the need to mention it.
My rating for this is not concrete, especially ‘style’
Paragraphs only focus on one thought per paragraph which eases confusion between which character ‘talks’. It show who does what and what does who ? (I’m messing with you)
There are only a few stories like these that show actual cultivation of power without having a ‘cheat’ blessing or characteristic. Where “no pain, no gain” applies. Where this ‘cheat’ item is actually available for anyone in the story to have. Gaining power through hardwork, under the supervision of a teacher. Time lapses showing realistic progress in the character. Not with the ‘leap and bound’ bull. but with actual measurements.
The story is not in a hurry to get somewhere
Error commas not found. It’s a very itchy feeling for me. Some quotation marks that indicate that a character is talking is sometimes used improperly. Plus some conversations have no comma.
Ex: “thoughts” should be ‘thoughts’
Ex: “I said a thing,” this person said.
I give you 5 magnificent home-grown potatoes for character development and realistic character powers based on the settings of the story.
Time-skips for unimportant parts of the story. Summarizing what happened. No major relationship or major elevation in power during time-skip. Point of view show only for major characters which is mostly MC.
Important: Push through the first 5 chapters of info-dump/bad spelling/grammar, you won't regret it.
Story and Characters: In brief: Xianxia with good characters and fairly good plot.
Another reviewer compared this to IETs works (e.g. coiling dragon) I would agree but say that compared to coiling dragon at least, the characters are more realistic (aka better) while the plot is somewhat worse (setting stagnated by book 6 but book 7 fixed that).
Grammar and Style: Bad at the start (particularly the first 5 chapters) but improves rapidly and becomes actually pretty good for what it is.
A note to those who have tried to read this before and gave up after you read "erath" the 10th time: Yes, you saw correctly, I (as well as others) actually gave good ratings for style and grammar. The author improves significantly as the story goes on and it's well deserving of 4 stars.
Speculation by me but I think it's because the author seems to have become proficient at spoken English before written, which means that once he got used to writing the only noticeable issues you see are misspellings and homonyms. (Which are 1000% preferred to unintelligible sentences that have technically correct spelling)
Overall: I admit I would really only give this 4 stars normally, but to encourage more people to read it (and get past the terribly edited beginning) I'm giving it 5.
The tale is about a boy born in a typical men vs environment world, where strenght and and nobles rule above all, despite a bigger danger existing.
Nevertheless, the story still manages to be unique, specially the way the author develops the strenght progression of the main character (perhaps MC is being rushed a bit in his power progression, though there may be a reason for it that we'll see in the future).
I'd say the main flaw in the novel is grammar, because sometimes (rarely) the author means one thing and says another (for example, instead of thought, he uses taught ), though one can notice that the author really steped up his game throughout the novel. That said, ponctuation is well used, and the story is overall easy to read and fluid.
Character progression is there, but sometimes I wished he touched a little bit more on the side characters (mainly MC's sister). A side story about her childhood would perhaps bring even more charm to her and the relationship between brother and sister. There are hints though, that this will be done in the future.
If you have ever read CN Xianxia novels, I have no doubt you'll like this story. It has a well thought martial arts and cultivation system, with better characters and world building than most.
I took a long time to start reading it, mainly because some people criticized the beggining of the novel, where the author introduces the world, and I can say I regret having payed attention to that type of comments. I wished I had read it before. This definitely has my recommendation.
Not a well written review, just that I need to remember myself why I dropped this novel every once in a while
Please note I'm changing my review as I'm reviewing this chapter, so no offense, but I'm rating this according to my overall impression. If you don't like the review, feel free to improve your work.
The story has potential but it is greatly undermined by the fact that the author does not make an effort to review his/her work, relying on his/her readers to point out his/her mistakes instead.
There are a lot of glaring mistakes in every chapter. Sorry but the author could have made an extra effort to check his/her works. I mean, please take the time to re-read a chapter after writing it. I'm not saying the writing is terrible, it's just that some mistakes can easily be found. It only takes a few minutes to check if it something sounds wrong or is wrongly spelled. Also, your autocorrect seem to pick the wrong words to make the sentence incoherent most of the time, like a really bad machine translated work.
That said, the story and characters are pretty average, standard antihero who causes trouble for everyone. Not too many complex or colorful cast of characters in the book I'm reading as of now.
This story is one big info dump. Little actually happens, because when something new appears, the author writes 3-6 paragraphs explaining it, before moving to another thing that needs explaining. And it doesn’t stop. It got to the point that i was skipping about 40% of each chapter, so that the long winded explanations wouldn’t drive me crazy.
It gets worse, because the main character is so hard to connect to. In a story that is as info heavy as this, following a 9 year old gets boring fast. Don’t get me wrong, you did a good job at creating a personality for him. But the character you chose to write, just does not fit with this type of story. Going from detailed, and complicated explanations about how this world works, to the drama only possible with a child, is jarring.
If these things are not a problem for you, then give it a try. He/she is not a bad writer. this is just not my cup of tea. You have been warned :p