The Abandoned Sorcerer

by Nefarious

Original COMPLETED Action Adventure Fantasy Mystery Anti-Hero Lead Grimdark Magic Male Lead Secret Identity Strong Lead Supernatural
Warning This fiction contains:
  • Gore
  • Traumatising content

Orion Zakari is an Ice Sorcerer, the last of his lineage. He's got no clue where he is or how he got there, but he knows one thing for certain: he is being hunted.

His home and family are gone: razed and massacred. He will be next when the hunters find him. But if he can put enough pieces together, maybe he won’t have to follow his family down to eternal damnation. Maybe he can avenge them. And maybe, just maybe, he’s got a destiny waiting past that.

Monsters and men, merchants and mages, hunters and the hunted. This is the story of the abandoned Sorcerer.


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Release schedule: Every Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday at 16:00 UTC.

I created the cover using Adobe Illustrator.

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Nefarious

Nefarious

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Table of Contents
Chapter Name Release Date
Prologue ago
1. Alive and Kicking ago
2. Questions and ago
3. Web of Lies ago
4. Visgamar ago
5. The Seekers ago
6. Overwhelming Desires ago
7. Completing the Square ago
8. Celebrating a Good Time ago
9. Temple ago
10. Mission Impossible ago
11. Journey of a Lifetime ago
12. Lesan ago
13. Split up and Look for Clues ago
14. Sewers Canal ago
15. Of Monsters and Women ago
16. Talking the Talk ago
17. Family Trees ago
18. Rumours ago
19. Shady Dealings ago
20. Sticky Fingers ago
21. The Raid ago
22. Blood between the Boards ago
23. Sea of Flames ago
24. Judgement Day ago
25. Deception ago
26. The Underkings ago
27. Casting Words and Knives ago
28. Tactical Retreat ago
29. Trial ago
30. All is not as they seem ago
31. Information bought with blood ago
32. Recovery ago
33. The Hand that Moves ago
34. A Done Deed ago
35. Sombre Thoughts ago
36. Severed Ties ago
37. One step at a time ago
38. Kajan ago
39. Training for life by death ago
40. Seeker's Elixir ago
41. Coming Home ago
42. Revelation ago
43. 5-stars ago
44. Setting up guilt ago
45. Seeker's Summit ago
46. The Final Journey ago
47. Silence ago
48. War ago
49. Monsters and... more monsters ago
50. The Fight ago
51. An Ending ago
52. Final push ago
53. Last fight ago
54. Overpowering ago
55. The Calm after the Storm ago
End Note ago
Reviews

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l nimbus
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Lets ask some questions..

Lets get this started. In lieu of my usual review style, lets try something different. Lets ask some questions.

 

 

I feel this will help you more than me pointing out what I liked in the story. Instead, lets talk about you, what you might be trying to accomplish and how well you're succeeding.

 

1. What are you trying to write?

 

From my perspective, this is a revenge story. It has the elements, the tone, the backstory. Orion, our MC, has everything in place for such a story. A tragic betreyal, dead family, people who'd want him dead if they knew his true identity.

It also follows the usual moral cide of revenge type MCs, if not a little more lenient. Instead of simply justifying his angst as an excuse to kill anyone who even mildly inconveniences him, he tries to play it carefully, avoiding conflicts he knows he will lose. Bravo to you in that regard.

 

2. Does he remian consistent to his upbringing and goal?

 

Again, yes. Orions interactions with the people and enviroment around him are always consistent. As a young man raised in the nobility, he has been sheltered from the world, and this shows in different scenes. For instance, his poorest clothes are of better quality than most people ever see but he fails to realize that. Among other things, this shows that you, the author, actually write your characters based on what THEY know, not you.

All too often, authors fall into the trap of giving characters information they couldn't havw known and having them act on it. I'm glad to see tou didn't.

 

 

3. Was there times when it felt a little forced?

 

 

Yes, there were. For instance, some descriptions were too detailed. When looking at someone, people notice the big, obvious details, not the exact shade of someones eyes of how luxurious their hair is. Orion may have supervision or some other trait we don't know about, but from a practical standpoint, it felt a little forced.

Like the 'Naughty reward.' A Guild Chief is willing to let two people he has known for less than two weeks, and who have completed all of two missions for him take a top secret job? Feels forced.


4. Is Orion likeable or relateable?

 

I'll be honest. To me, he was neither. This might be because i hold MCs in standards that are too high, but i'll explain anyway.

Okay, we know Orions primary goal is revenge, and that he lost his family. BUT, we can't relate. Why? Becuase we disn't KNOW his family. We didn't see them as characters, didn't become attached to them. Think for instance, like this.

There's one character in a story we've become attached to. A villain kills an entire planet full of faceless, unknown people. Gasp, thats horrible. But we don't feel anything, not really. Because we didn't know them. But if the same villian hurts that one character, then we're boiling mad. Because we knew and liked that character. See the difference. We can't really relate to his drive for revenge because we didn't know what he lost.

If anything, i'd reccomend writing a few prologue chapters showing Orion with his family and how he was attached to them before the incident. It might help.

Now, Orion himself. After you strip away his power, his skill and his revenge, what do you have? Well, to me, nothing much likeable. He comes off as sometimes a bully, other times an immature boy. He goes great lenghts to hide his magic, but is perfectly willing to use and threats to bully a gang of kids. Yes, they tried to rob him, but they are forced to do it for a living. Oh, he's magnanimous and DOESN'T flat out kill them like most, but still using insults instead of names rubs me the wrong way.

He wants revenge for his own family, but is perfectly content to stand idly by and watch a thief kill slaves who were ripped away from their own families. Again, really rubs me the wrong way.

 

5. Are the side characters memorable?

 

 

Yes and no. While characters like Kora and even the woman-at-the-desk are memorable, others aren't. A week after reading TAS, i cannot remember the name of any of the thieves he was with in the last chapter i read, the name of the boy he bullied into helping him, or even anything about his parents. While both Orion and Kora stand out, other characters feel a bit flat and unmemorable. I'm not going to force anything here, but adding a few quirks will go a LONG way to making each char stand out.

 

7. Was the story enjoyable?

 

Again, yes and no.

It had its moments, and is sure to delight fans of the genre, but it also had it's weaknesses and issues. For instance, i had no idea what Giah and other magic terms meant until it was explained in an authors note, breaking immersion whenever i had to go back and look these terms up.

Yes, it's a good revenge story, and the protagonist is slightly better than most, but it also managed to ever so slightly discourage me from rooting for Orion.

 

All in all, 7.3/10 for me.

xenofixus
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I think the tags are a bit incorrect

  • First, Anti-Hero Lead. I would say the MC does in fact exhibit the traits of a standard hero, he is just driven by a more selfish goal than a typical hero but this does not make him an Anti-Hero.
  • Second, Strategy. The MC has thus far put no real thought into how to accomplish his goals or plans. He basically is just going with the flow and letting others drag him around. Strategy involves planning. His planning has thus far been "I need to talk to family friend so I should join this guild and rank up." This seems super convoluted to me. First of all, if his 'family friend' is well placed enough to be able to assist him in getting revenge for his family then one would have to assume he is well placed enough to have been aware of the purge before it happened. In addition he has spent 0 time strategizing his actual actions besides this. I could understand these sort of 'in ignorance' moments if the author was portraying him to match his actual age, but that doesn't fit with the rest of his actions.
  • Third, Strong Lead. This MC is anything but strong. The entire novel as of writing has had him being shown as fairly weak. In addition he has shown no growth either in strength. It also doesn't help that the author has not even hinted at relative power levels or what strength in this story actually is. He has no political power, his physical power seems very much lacking, and his magical power had him relagated as being one of the weakest of his family.

Overall I would say while the story is well written the characters either fall flat or are outright frustratingly annoying (it would be one thing if Orion found Kora annoying but the readers found her endearing, it is an entirely seperate issue if the readers find her just as annoying [to the point where some have even called for her death :P]). As others have said the author also spends a significant amount of time describing stuff that is soon going to become irrelevant (why spend multiple paragraphs describing an inn that we are never going to come back to in the story?).

There are also little hiccupts to the plot that don't make sense in the context of the hinted at greater world.

Spoiler: Spoiler

I feel like the story needs to show more progress and character growth. As it stands it feels like the current goals of the MC are not only far off but will end up being meaningless. I don't want to read a story where it seems like we are going to spend 50-60 chapters doing something that isn't going to matter in the end. I would also like the MC to show more agency. The way the MC acts is as if he is on a roller coaster that he has no choice but to ride to wherever it takes him.

BoredNerdBooks
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Could use some work, but definately has potential

EDIT: Nefarious (very helpfully) added all the stuff that I felt needed to be described in chapter 23's auther note (you can go there and read the descriptions theirs no spoilers) he also said that he is writing in more descriptions into the story

Also he rewrote the summery and edited the first chap to add some hooks after I posted this.

 

So right off the bat I'm going to say Nefarious asked me to do this, to provide some constructive criticism.

So the first thing I've got to say is that the summery honestly just comes off kinda meh.  It reminds me of the summeries of the old classic style of fantasy that by now are kinda overwritten into boringness.

It provides a good summery of what the story contains/will be (although only about a half of it has happened yet) but it just isn't very eye catching.

After having read the fic so far, I'm glad I did and I like it (despite its shortcomings) but I can safely (and sadly) say I would never had read this had the auther not asked me to.

Now onto the first few chapters. Right off the bat I have to agree with lone on these, they don't make a very good hook.

I would say this is largely because other than the house falling, nothing truely interesting happens (I'm not counting him just magically ending up in the new city)

And secondarily due to him referncing several things with out explaing them much/or at all.

This is perhaps the largest problem over all in the fiction is that Nefarious seems to have written up (either in his head or a piece of paper) varius important facts that he operates the story out of, but completely forgotten to write them up into the fiction.

Now I may have somehow glanced over one explanation and not noticed it some how, but the number of things like this leaves me thinking it's just not in the story. Also if the explanations are in the story, you genrally want to subtly re-explain stuff every now and again for people who have forgotten.

So far the list of things that have been not at all (or not adequately enough) been explained (or were explained way later than they should have been) are: 

The orange nut things (these were revieled to be drugs later then they should have been)

The symbiotic thing his house had.

The servants mark thing that was referanced to be able to save him (if my memory serves it was called a Szu)

Why he was recognizable to anouther house member just by her seeing his magic after he had cast it (the only thing I can come up with for this is it is because he didn't burn any fat)

Why his eyes turn black when he uses magic

The monsters that can aperently disguise them selves as humans are poorly explained up until the end of that little arc

And last but not least is what was special about his house and its magic (I don't know if its that sympiot thing or if they do dark magic or if they don't burn fat or what, but I can't really tell)

The characters sometimes seem allitle off to me, and the conversations can sometimes be hit or miss, but this to me is more of a personal preferance thing in my opinion. (Obviously excluding cases where it is just plain and truely terrible, but there aren't really any of those in this fic)

I like where the story seems to be going, but it is still alittle early to tell for that.

So over all for my suggestions you (Nefarious) would be to rewrite the summery to something along the lines of:

Orion lived a fairly peaceful life in his family, one of the controlling houses of the empire. However one day they are betrayed and wiped out, leaving him on the run and on a quest for revenge using his family's powerful magic.

(Obviously you could do better than what I put above this, but I can't really do more due to not knowing how the overall story will go)

And to rewrite the first 3 chapters to add a hook and the following 7 or so chapters to explain more/at all.

If I think of any more things I will put them in the comments of following chaps.

So what I would say to readers is, this is a fic may be abit rough in some areas, but it is worth reading.

Onch
  • Overall Score

A Great Read, But...

Grammar-wise, this story is decent. The plot is a bit generic but could be taken in interesting directions.

However, the story suffers from pacing issues. The author spends too much time describing things in too much details, and it breaks the immersion and flow of the story.

Furthermore, this story suffers from too many word repetitions, it quickly becomes very noticeable and distracts from the initial content.

Page organisation also needs more work, in my opinion paragraphs are too big.

Plot-wise, things are slow to start. It's my opinion, but I believe that a quick start is usually the best way to begin a story.

To conclude, I will say that this story has potential, but it needs some work on the aforementioned points to become great.

Krypek
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Author delivered on his promises

Gotta say that author delivered on his promises regarding next novel. I would say that its already significantly better than the mad one and the only thing I could wish for is a bigger amount of chapters to properly gauge the long term potential of the story. Nevertheless its a fantastic read so far.

Lord Vile
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Burgeoning High Fantasy

This is a great fantasy, tending towards high fantasy, the world building is done in a controlled and natural way, and nothing about it feels wrong.

The style is smooth, not much to say here, other than the first few chapters are the author trying to find his groove, by five chapters in, the style has been cemented, and is nice. The style is reminicent of older books, it is more traditional, instead of modern.

The story is one of the best points, the world and magic especially is very interesting, slightly mysterious, but not obscure. There is sufficient detail for the story to feel lively and real, without being overly flowery.

The grammar has no problems, not much to say other than its fine.

The characters, all two of them, are well fleshed out, they feel organic, and they are being developed at a solid pace, no info dumps or droughts.

All in all, a very good, and more traditional novel type story, as opposed to a web serial type. Definately worth a read.

Lone
  • Overall Score

A good but somewhat sluggish story

Five stars because I don't want to demotivate you by tanking your ratings. Here are my real ratings:

 

Overall: 3 stars

Style: 2 stars

This really distracted me a lot. You lacked consistency, which was the main issue. In one instance, you had no text after some dialogue, the next, you did have descriptive text.

The dialogue was also a bit jarring and seemed unrealistic.

A final note on style would be that you appear to like being overly descriptive of objects and buildings from what I read. This could be a personal thing, but I don't really care about the intricate details. I prefer getting a vague description and painting the picture myself mentally.

Unless it's critical to the story, I think descriptions can be kept a lot shorter and less verbose.

 

Story: 3.5 stars

I guess it was there, but a few chapters in, I didn't know who the main character was nor their goals or the vague direction they were going to go in.

If I'm not initially hooked, there's not much reason for me to read. I could have missed these details because I was skimming, but I'll get to that in grammar.

 

Grammar: 3.5 stars

The use of large paragraphs was really jarring.

While they may have been grammatically correct, it is generally more accepted to do shorter paragraphs of 1-3 sentences for web fictions as that makes them easier to digest.

You have a habit of overusing words in some instances. An example: Loudmouth. I think that was used at least 7 times in the space of a few paragraphs. Use some other descriptive words or it starts to break immersion.

 

Character: N/A

As I said, I didn't really know anyone in the few chapters I read, so no opinion here.

ForwardDelta
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Strong potential, but definitely not perfect

Disclaimers: Nefarious asked me to review this, its a bit outside my normal type of reading. Overall score is 5/5 just because it's dramatically better than the average cruft on this site, where even total garbage tends to hover around 4.5 stars if it gets popular. Other scores are my own thoughts.

Pros:

  • The story is cohesive and believable. No glaring ommisions.
  • A lot of the worldbuilding is fairly creative
  • Many things are left unexplained, and this gives the readers things to piece together. 
  • Despite my criticism (below), it is very decent and I did enjoy reading it. 

Cons:

  • I can't say I'm entralled by any of it. Hooks are lackluster, and the style isn't particularly gripping. Most of my curiousity is towards the magic system and world, rather than the main characters/quest.
  • I still have no idea what that Hero stuff was. Early chapters should probably be adjusted heavily to add tension and depth to the start.
  • Orion is fairly boring and (somewhat) passive as a protagonist. He reads dryly and isn't very interesting to follow. I think improving your voice/style would go a big distance here.
  • Overexplaing is definitely an issue. I don't feel like you repeated information, but you need to decide whether you're going to explain how the magic system works to somebody with no knowledge of the world, or explain it to somebody who lives in the world, leaving the reader to piece together the basics themselves. Both options are viable, but right now you're doing both.
  • Underexplaining. This is a super easy thing to mess up, but my suggestions are to increase some explanation of Szu/cracking/general magic, and then get rid of your AN explaining them. I don't have enough foundation to go on, but by chapter 25, it seems that we're already expected to know about szu/cracking. 
  • Don't rely on Author Notes for explaining, or at least put a note that you'll go back and fix the story. It's obviously a very rough draft, but it really hurts immersion in the story

I'm going to skip grammar, because it's been covered, and it would get sorted out by an editor. 

Overall:

I like it. It's not exceptional, but it isn't the shallow power fantasy written by 12 year olds that seems to get popular on here. Increase your hooks and work on your prose a bit. It certainly feels original, and I can tell that Nefarious puts real effort into the work.

ddz1rt
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A bit too much of inconsistency...a pity

A very promising read, but a pity because of:

1) catching prologue, intriguing first chapters and then it loses all of its momenta. We have a "catch" with our story, but then it just crumbles on small nuisances and inconsistencies between plot, character reasoning, world and how the story is progressing further.

2) lacking characters. We have a so-called "strong" and "anti-hero" lead, while what we experience is a "crybaby" with a mix of other self-centered problems. It feels like second-lead is the one being MC. There is nothing that builds any relation between readers and the story. A lot of potentials that spiral out of control and go down the drain.

3) the of story delivery. There are a lot of small things that point to interesting plot and sub-plot developments and that is thanks to the over-descriptive first part of the story. Still, most of them are abandoned and never covered. Reading loses any enjoyment and engagement between me and the story.