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The story of a soul seeking new adventure in a new life. A secret wish to find some things he never really found in his old life. Will the universe have other ideas for him again? Warning: 18+ due to violence, language and sexual content Note: The story is complete. A/N: Since people seem to be skittish with the gender bender tag, I should probably mention that it does not play a particularily important part in the story. More in the beginning, less as the story goes on.
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This review will primarily be for the author, so heavy heavy spoilers.
The world, its mechanics, and characterizations are all pretty interesting. There's humor, interesting dynamics, and just a dash of the whimsical that makes the story worth reading. However, there is a LOT of lost potential and I really hope you (the author) take note of my criticisms in your next story. I'm bothering to write this review because I believe you have a good writing style. It's just your storyboarding that's not quite there yet:
1. Your story violates the "show, don't tell" rule very heavily. There are numerous chapters and parts of chapters in which you simply dump info onto your readers. Neleh does this and that and here's why it's so awesome, etc. These parts of the story make my eyes glaze over because it reads less like enthralling fiction and more like forced description. The better way to go about this is to narrate these changes through the eyes of the characters or random POVs. For example, you could describe changes to the new Duchy through the eyes of a traveler, or one Neleh's sisters. You could "explore" the world with the reader through the eyes of its characters. Paragraphs of third person description should be a last resort in writing, not the first.
2. Your characters get very little development. It feels like you characterized them with a few lines of description and have them act that way the rest of the story. For example, Nimue, Delia, Shiori all act pretty much the same way from their initial introduction all the way to the epilogue. Their personalities and reactions to events around are maddeningly consistent and don't really develop. A large cause of this problem is Neleh suffocating the narrative, in that she gets so much focus and is so powerful that other characters don't get a chance and mostly spend their time orbiting in her shadow. They never get a chance to do anything because every problem that emerges, Neleh smashes with her overwhelming power and knowledge. What I would have liked to see are these side characters having their own mini-arcs and POVs, which we don't really get here. The few side POVs we get just rehash Neleh events from a different point of view and never extend outside.
A secondary problem your narrative style causes is that characters seem to simply disappear. With so little screen time, characters simply to disappear and it feels really wonky. Solana was the first love interest and simply disappears after she gets rescued, making a nominal reappearance later as empress. Kanako felt like she was supposed to be an important character but after her initial introduction, she just disappears because the focus is on Neleh and she has stuff to do outside the school. Her next major appearance is as assassin and then disappears into Naga territory for judgement and we never hear about her again. The whole deal just felt extremely weird.
3. The conflict resolution is too simplistic. Every problem that emerges Neleh solves almost immediately with brute strength or some convenient arcane knowledge. She needs to act as an Inquisitor? She just happens to have perfect truth detection and irresistible torture techniques. The faeries got sick with an incurable disease? She just flies there and cures everyone. Almost every other conflict follows this exact mold and there's never any subtlety.
1. There's way, way too many women as characters, to the point of being completely unbalanced. Almost every single major character is female. The entire family is full of daughters. Due to the cheating father, he is immediately sidelined and almost written out of the story. All the leaders of the country are women except the Sun Court Aelrindel. Every single romantic relationship in the story is between two women. Instead of having a proper mix, it just felt like you didn't want to write about guys and were obsessed with yuri relationships. This is not a good cast for a serious story.
2. You shouldn't have blatantly written in references from other famous stories (you even highlight some in the author notes). For a parody/comedy story, it might be ok but for a more serious one, it isn't really. It breaks immersion and is a bit cringey.
3. The school arc in the story was very, very bad. Normal stories of this mold does a school arc early to introduce the world outside the character's home village and serves as a sort of coming out for the main character. What you did in Journey is have the MC enter school, leave to do things, and come back over and over again. The initial excursion as Inquisitor and back was fine. However, after she becomes the Chosen and gains status/powers, having her sucked back into the school environment made no sense whatsoever. The school arc should have been a one and done type of deal, not what was essentially a periodic recurring nightmare in Journey.
4. Character reactions to Neleh's exceptional strength and knowledge felt artificial. Reactions were either mute acceptance or tremendous surprise followed by mute acceptance. There was really nothing in between. It all felt forced.
5. Asheara's characterization was done very, very poorly. She never, ever felt like Neleh's mother. The whole falling in love with her daughter, becoming her disciple, getting frozen in time and then losing her memories was never resolved properly. She didn't feel like a proper character. She felt like a patchwork of random themes and really stuck out in the story's cast and made me fairly uncomfortable throughout.
This is not a bad story by any mean, but some element are definitely annoying.
Relationships, whether being friendship or love interest are described as if the author had never experienced them herself before. There is no emotional developments explaining what lead the MC to have sex with someone or have certain feelings for them. It is all very chaotic and detached from reality. (I'm not even going to mention the wincest sexual tension between the MC and her mother.. :S)
All the main characters are females, and if it has a dick, you can be certain that it is either evil, or a simple tool with no background meant to be used by the MC.
The MC's mother end up lowering herself to an even worse level than her cheating husband by contributing to her daughters' disdain toward their father. (But then again, their father has a dick so... EVIL...) If a female character do something evil, you can be certain that there is a dick's influence behind it.
Sigh... Still a good read, just super sexist.
Forced myself through the entire thing 'cause I refused to give up - but I sorta regret that. Generic, unimaginative, predictable, pumped with blantant plagiarism and weeb traces. On top of that it's quite clear what pornhub category the author has bookmarked given that every single couple present is lesbian. <.<
Dialogue is stiff, and so artificial it hurts. No one speaks like that in real life! Worse yet, every character speaks the same, without tiniest trace of personality - you could put any sentence into any character's mouth and it would fit.
Story is as generic as it gets - guy gets reincarnated as a girl, is perfect in every way and the most beautiful in whole world, her only weakness is that she's too good at everything. Author's idea of subtle foreshadowing is the literary equivalent of delivering a shotgun blast to the face and the few "18+" segments are so crude they feel like a bad porno's screenplay.
Characters have little to no personality, as shown in dialogue I mentioned already. Almost everyone's purpose is to fawn over, agree with, and love unconditionally the protagonist - with a side of spreading thighs on demand.
Hard to speak of originality at all. What was not copypasted from various other work is so generic it would fit into any other tween self-insert fantasy seamlessly. And I mean copypasted literally - to point out the worst phrase "Blood for the Blood God, Skulls for the Skull Throne" is used non-ironically within an important plot line. Straight-up plagiarism.
And to crown this jewel the author is deeply confounded by homophones, confusing your with you're and other similar word pairs. Anything spellcheck doesn't catch, any word autocorrected into nonsense? No touchy.
Really not worth the time. If you want some light reading with a powerful MC, there's better. If you want a complex and interesting world to explore, it's hard to find worse. If you want endearing and interesting characters, booooy, are you at the wrong address. If you want good writing... well, sorry to dash your hopes.
I really enjoyed reading this fiction, except for the cases of blatant plagiarism. I get it, writing requires using tropes and already existing ideas to greater or lesser degrees. Almost every original idea has been already written, and even if they weren't, derivative works aren't a bad thing.
But I take issue with certain cases where the author is taking whole scenes and lines from other works and presenting it as their own. These aren't just allusions or sly references. These are almost word for word stolen from other authors. It's incredibly rude and ends up lowering my experience with this fiction.
The biggest example of this is Neleh's talk in chapter 56 about "Qadesh". This whole bit was stolen from published Author Anthony Ryan's Shadow of the Raven series.
Stealing work is lazy and lowers the quality of what you're trying to put out. It's a disservice to the original author and yourself as a writer.
Guy is reincarnated as a girl.
He was all powerful in his past life, now he isn't.
Except he is, and is constantly showing that the 'reincarnated reset' means nothing. Any semblence of powerlessness is purely for plot sake, except there never is any.
S/he pulls new powers and abilities out of no where with the justification "I had them in my past life."
And let's not get started on the pure hate for men this author has. Not only is every woman a lesbian, but all husbands are cheaters and get tourtured/killed/abandoned.
I stopped reading this once the MC turned into a giant fire god and was confirmed strongest being on the planet or some shit after being reincarnated.
Oh and lets not forget how she's "so beatiful" at 10 years old and throughout her whole life and how everyone loves her.
It's an honest shame because the writing itself isn't garbage, but the story is.
I just managed to get to Chapter 23 and read it. This will sadly be where I'll be dropping it.
One of the things that kept me interested is seeing the crazy woman that was obsessed with the MC in his past live return to the story. It came and went and I was left disappointed. Nothing really interesting happens. They resolve a misunderstanding that sounds pettier then anything and then she leaves. I'd much rather have the woman stay in the story as an actual character and I find her and the MC to be a more interesting pair then anyone else.
The story tended to be a mess, There was never a real set goal for the MC and it seemed more like the MC was just reacting to things happening with rarely ever taking the initiative it seems. Sure there were some scenes where he leads the story like the awakening scene. But he, for the most part, seemed lost in the story.
I also find it a bit sad, I liked the start of the story he was a child and didn't talk. I liked seeing people react to this baby that is much smarter then it should be. Then we get things like him starting to talk constantly. I was more hoping for the MC on the outside to be a character that shows little emotion and doesn't talk.
Other things like barely giving any attention to the sisters. For the longest part of the story, The sisters were barely even characters and we rarely got any mention of them besides "My sister did this"
I feel like the climax of the story has happened at this point. We got the MC awakening her power and the disappointing reunion of the MC and the crazy girl.
I did enjoy it for the most part. But I ended up dropping it at this point cause I can't see me liking it anymore.
So the storyline is quite interesting, the powers and abilities are properly explained and easy to follow. The main character is likeable which isn't always important but it works.
Just something I can't really put my finger on that makes reading this a chore sometimes.
Maybe the its because everyone seems to like the MC and agree with mpst of what she does or says. Maybe is the over explaining that sometimes occurs in the content.
It could be that everyone is a lesbian and anyone that cheats is a male and considered a 'dirtbag'. Most likely though its probably the self-righteousness of the MC.
Anyways as I said its an interesting story line, the world building is pretty awesome too. I'm still on chapter 36 whilst writing this, it might change.
So she did something because "x" or "y" , granted it couldn't have been "a" because then mister supposedly important character that won't have any screen time after this chapter would have thought "b" and the counsecuences would have been catastrophic. Yet nos as bad as if she had done "c", in which case blah blab blah ad infinitum.
Style ruins it all, it makes the narration very difficult to digest. Why not SHOWING us how the characters lived the moment instead?
Also, interactions between MC and big shots felt super artificial, even more when she was a kid and nobody said anything about her talking one on one to prominent people. I mean, nothing aside from the incidental "oh MC you are very intelligent"...
Another big, no, no, is that aside from MC, no other character evolves through the story, not to talk about those supposedly important characters that got forgotten as soon as the chapter ends.
About conflict and tension building, at first you fall for it, thinking "oh, this is great, I want to see how they will get out of this mess" but eventually you realize that whatever is trown at deus ex machina (AKA MC) is gonna get solved in a very anticlimactic jiffy. I mean, I like OP MCs and happy endings, but deus ex machina are a bit too OP.
So what kept me reading then?
Author is very creative and you could feel all that untapped potential in the story, you keep having this feeling that the next chapter will be amazing.
TL;DR: You know this feeling when you are about to sneeze but in the end you don't? well, author manages to keep you just like that through the whole story. So 2/5 overall enjoyment. Hopefully next story will be awesome, as it has many good comments here in RRL.
all the way though great grammar.
however, the story and characters...oof...
one sided opinion of men effecting the entire story...
not going to go into any detail what so ever, to spoil anything.
However, it is obvious that the author spits on men entire way though, and doesnt even let men to be a part of the story apart from being villains, rapists, cheaters and generarly being all the evil in the world...
its sad that a story with such potential got ruined by this, I can see this as being somewhat a distraction with the yuri aspects... but thats it... its just a wasteland story wise, with the characters being bland. disapointment lingered though me as i read on... eventually just skipping though as reading this became a god-damn chore...
if you dont mind everything that i said and you are just looking for a story where the MC mindlessly and senslessly gains power. go for it you can drop it whenever you like anyway...
A bit of complaint:
The ranking, rating, and review system is plain broken. Its some part the fault of bad design, some part the fault of an overenthusiastic community, and some part the consequence of vote manipulation (though I am cautious with that accusation).
I’ve been frustrated with separating the good work from the bad, and I hear some authors are considering moving work off-site.
That’s the context for this review.
This is a story about a soul reincarnated into a new life. Nothing new here.
Where this story shines is in its execution, and it means everything. We know dear Naleh (the MC) is overpowered. What’s great is, the story doesn’t hide behind that. We get none of that Messiah complex, I-can-do-it-all nonsense that has seen so many authors run their work into the ground. Instead we live the life of a complex, unreadable MC that has her quirks, tries her best, but has everything just about in her control. Things happen, she solves them, and there’s a mysterious enemy looming in the dark. Awesome.
The story is built around purpose and characterisation, and remains sophisticated and nuanced. That makes it an extremely enjoyable read.