This Game We Call Life

I deeply wanted to like this story.

Regrettably, the writing is so poor in quality that I had to stop reading after seven chapters.

Each chapter is clearly not planned out ahead of time. The chapters seem to end at random, here's a snippit from Chapter 5

"Both Joe and Philip gape at ghost for a minute.
"Philip and Johanna you just cause mayhem." jack
*laughs* Johanna
"Un-understood" Philip
"Getting wet feet now, bro?" Joe
"No I’m just a little nervous" Philip
"Brother?" jack
"Yeah Joe and I are brothers" Philip
End chapter 7"

This....this is abysmal. The structuring of this conversation in itself is terrifying. The lack of detail or any surrounding description leaves the interaction bland and confusing. This type of issue is symptomatic of my core issues with this story.

This story would greatly benefit from having an editor. Proofreading, at the very least, would be a good idea to fix things like placing commas appropriately and not misspelling chapter titles (I'm looking at you 'In pursiut of bacon').

With regard to grammar, words are frequently misspelled or the wrong word is used. For example, the prologue uses the word 'brake' where it should read "break" instead.

There is so little meat on the bones of this story that I really can't comment on the story in any meaningful way. The best I can do is say that character reactions are so inappropriate (or absent) that suspending disbelief is impossible.

In closing, this reads as though it were someone's first attempt at seriously writing and they have no one instructing them on how to write. Although the words are there (usually), the usual cadence to a story and other meaningful aspects of narrative are absent.

Final statement:

I truly believe that both the author and the story can be redeemed, but I am convinced it would take an overhaul complete with instruction from someone willing to mentor the author. In its present state I can't recommend this to anyone.


Update as of May 31st 2017:

This author did improve and has continued to produce updates for two years. I suspect that if they went and redid the early chapters, that this could be a great story.

Kudos to the author for having that kind of staying power.

I have updated my score accordingly.

Its a fun fast paced story.  Only, it's too fast paced and seems to leave the author behind.  There are little to no descriptions of why he gains the abilities he does, and little to no descriptions of the abilities themselves.  Some chapters are almost pure boxes of new skills.   The boxes are poorly created in some chapters.  It feels as though the author never checked their own work.  Like they were in such a rush to finish that they hit submit as soon as the last letter was typed.  Some proofing and slower pacing would really improve this story.

Although I might have enjoyed the story otherwise, the constant grammatical issues totally ruin the experience for me. Spacing needs some work as well, with the chapter either consisting of a wall of text or a wall of windows. 

This fiction could be so much better with a bit of cleaning up.

There are quite a few mistakes in grammar that could have been fixed with spelling check in MS Word.

The plot moves at a pretty fast pace; I feel like I’m reading a summary instead of a story. As a result the characters don’t feel fleshed out, they’re more like emotionless NPCs reading off a script.

While I understand the need to move the plot along, rushing the story without building the world and the characters properly just ruins the whole reading experience. I do hope that future chapters will see some improvement.

So,another day when I had nothing better to do but read. I was browsing this site and saw this story. Tags looked good. Also it was a transportation/rpg type story with romance. Looked awesome. Started reading and was good till chapter 10ish when it all just......changed. Went from a high schooler farming mobs to a god killer OP womanizer in 1 chapter. Oh mer gurd breh. Also, I saw no romance what so ever. All I saw was a guy who slept with every girl that he could find. Me being myself was loyal,and stayed till chapter 30 thinking that it will change,but it didn't. It got worse and worse. The author is just tossing random things in his chapters,perhaps he thinks that by dropping in as many random and unnecessary things in his story as he can will keep people interested. It won't. People want feels,humor,a sense of direction and purpose. This story has none. It's like the author copied and pasted each sentence from a different story,different book. I wanted to like this story. I wanted to have a good read and give this a good review. Guess we don't always get what we want. 

To the author- Please don't think that I'm just picking on you, I'm not. You have a lot of potential so don't quit writing. Don't make the mistake of thinking that a story is good if it has ero content. Keep up the good work. 

I do think u should use something like beginner, intermediate, expert and master for the skill rank.. 

Also for the name of skills, u could use something with a sense of rpg not fully in (LOL)  term... 

Lastly for the skill arrangement in the status box... it's better to put it like this =

Cooking (Beginner LV 1)(50%)

Back Stab (Intermediate LV 2) (48%)

Btw thanks for the amazing FanFic... 

Keep it up.  ????????????

-0.25 For grammatical errors

-0.75 for lots of errors related to incorrect use of tables.

Still, only requires a bit of cleaning up.

love it so far but would like some more side story and would like more detail on the sex scene in the shower lol 

It could be better :/   There are sometimes to many tables and the story is getting boring.....   And i think the Characters are to simple minded....  The Start of the story was good but after that the story became boring, since there were no real goals besides surviving and even that seemed simple he easily killed Monsters became strong and Mills leader with assasinate.....

I am very  interested in stories that include an Apocalypse in a game like settings.My only problem with this story is that your writing is too mechanical.Please try to put some emotions into the writing and all the very best.