Advertisement
Remove
Settings

A note from kazi223

Rewritten on 11/30/2018

Discord Channel! Check it out! 

A Blighted World and Crushing Hearts by The Juggernaut - Great Reads!

I woke up today. It felt like I had been asleep, yet that can't be right. You dream whenever you sleep. Here there were no dreams, no ill-conceived fantasies or projections of imagination. The universe in its entirety was still, completely black and unmoving. There was nothing.

It's impossible to notice something so apparent until it's gone. You don't notice that lack of mind and feeling. The lack of everything that made you what you are. It's a sudden realization that strikes at your core. You realize that you didn't exist; there was no I- the concept of ‘self’- and complete and utter lack of sense.

You close your eyes once, then open them again, feeling. Noticing what had been hidden from you in plain sight. We are told that we don't appreciate health or family until they are gone, yet it is the same with your sense of self. You don't understand how blessed you are to merely exist until you don't.   

‘Where did I go, and how did I end up here?’ I had asked myself then, baffled at what had happened. But, as quickly as lightning strikes, it-- the realization--struck me, dawning upon my broken soul.

‘Oh God, I… I died! I can’t die!’ Facing the worst of outcomes, my soul had fallen into denial. Unable to comprehend the situation, entirely. But, slowly and assuredly, the denial crept away. Flashes of fragmented memories struck my mind. Things that happened long ago. In… In my lifetime. It showed me who I was and those close to me, though their faces were all blurred, their names forgotten.

‘Mother? Who will take care of my mother?! Pay for her recovery! And what of my son?! What of his future?! They can’t live with my sister and that abusive jerk she calls her husband!’


Then, I had only one wish over all. I wished that this was all a dream. Hoping it was but a figment of my overactive imagination. A lucid dream that I had full control of. But I did not know how wrong I was.

“Wake up Wake up Wake up Wake up!” I called in absolute panic. One thought ran in my mind. I had to get out!

A sudden spike of serenity struck me unexpectedly. My impressionable soul was unable to withstand its influence.

"Calm down, tranquility, peace, serenity," a soft and motherly voice called from within the void. So far away, yet so close. Then again, what was distance when there was no sight? I, feeling the strangeness creep into my soul, could not stop the string of words that seemed to escape my mouth, as though they wished to be free of a cold prison.

“Who is there? What is going on? Please explain! Help me get out of the dark!” Putting all my hope in an unknown entity might not have been the wisest move, but it was the only thing that tied me to reality. To the few memories that were not shattered and were understandable.

“Child, you will have your answers in time, but until then be calm for me,” she said in an aged voice, millennia beyond my greatest comprehension. Oh, it was definitely a She- mature and calming in ways no being had the right to be. Something no person could resist, no matter how trained they may be.

Having no other recourse, I affirmed her request with a hesitant “O...Okay.” For a while, time seemed to still, she wholly silent and I the same. After a time, she deemed me worthy of her alluring voice once again. Having been easy to mold, I felt gratification I never expected when she spoke.

"You died a tragic death. Your body and soul crushed under the strain of a cosmic accident. The last vestiges of your existence were left to wander the Void aimlessly for eternity. Lost and hopeless had I not noticed your delicate glow. Your kindness was your lifeline, Child."  

Her words caused me more confusion as a million questions appeared in my mind. Trying my best, I vocalized the few I thought most important. "Void? Eternity? Soul? What of heaven and hell?" These were questions I felt myself demand rather than ask. They were essential to who I am, or at least who I had been.

I feared her answer. Was everything I had believed in those fragments of memories all lies? Yet, her response to my question caused me more questions. "My existence is not allowed to speak of such things. Everyone has rules they must follow. But I can tell you that the manner of your death caused your soul to be trapped. Making it impossible to move on."

What was she to have such rules? What did she know that I could not learn? How did she know what I knew not of myself? Unable to fathom the meaning of her words, I choose to leave my concerns for a later time and bring up what was most important.

“How did I die?” I questioned, hoping no rules bound her from this answer.

She replied much quicker than before, startling me. “What do you remember?” She almost sounded eager.

As I thought of what happened to me, a spike of pain started to grow, encapsulating my entire existence in its grasp. Thrumming images long past began to pass my mind's eye. Broken memories never meant to be seen again appeared, though without order. One second I stood there smiling at a blurry figure almost half my height, and the next I lay there all alone.

Steadily, enough came together to get a picture of what had happened. I loved something or someone. As we enjoyed our time, evil and blurry things appeared from nowhere and attacked us. I told the one I loved to run, to escape a most horrible fate, while I was determined to stay behind and protect what I had loved. I did enough, accomplishing my final goal.

The last of my memories was the clearest of them all. I laid down in a puddle of blood as I looked to the sky. Unable to move at all from the lack of blood. Around me were massive buildings that blocked the view from the outside world. In those moments, one thought came to me. Of how I failed to survive and provide for my family.
Advertisement
A note from kazi223

Let me know what you think on the comment section

 


Support "Azeal Neralum "

Fiction
Index
Next
Chapter
About the author

kazi223

Bio:

Achievements
Comments(17)
Log in to comment
Log In

Cyan_Snake @Cyan_Snake ago

"You will be able to redeem yourself"

What a shitty thing for her to say. 'Just giving your life to protect you child is not enough. You failed and I'm gracious enough to give you a chance to redeem yourself.'

AndrewIsntCool @AndrewIsntCool ago

No projections of our imagination.

'Our' should be changed to 'My,' or removed altogether, as it is in the 2nd person perspective.

most terrifying of all you don’t …

Exist… no Soul …

'No Soul' should be removed, as later in the chapter he claims not to know what a soul is. “Void? Eternity? Soul?"

There was no you; no ‘I’.

Again, this slips into 2nd person.

eye’s

Should be eyes. "Eye's" is possessive, and not plural

Feeling again, noticing something essentially … wrong with your very existence! Because you were nothing.

He is not true nothing though, as he is conscious and aware.

Who is going to take care of her, pay her medical bills!!!

Two things: This is a question, (technically two questions: who will take care of her/ who will pay her bills) so it should have a question mark at the end of the sentence. An exclamation mark can be used in conjunction to the question mark for emphasis.

Wa …

The ellipses should be a dash. Ellipses are usually used as pauses or stuttering (s..s.sorry) while dashes can break up a word (Wait! Don't touch th-)

You better not be pulling a prank on me!

If he truly felt that he was alone in the void, I don't think he would think this is a prank.

POV Switch

Instead of just saying "POV Switch" you could do something like this:


In the insert menu, there is a choice for a horizontal line.

He was a small group of particles

Not an error, just a bit of odd word choice. The way they are described sounds a bit technical and not spiritual or magical as a soul should be. (Maybe try "cluster of motes of light, bobbing around aimlessly," or something else)

Yes, mothe…” Turning pink “I mean Yes! Yes!”

"Yes mothe-" Turning pink, the boy shouts "I mean Yes! Yes!"

Clarification for who is talking is needed here because this is in the other person's POV

I will give you two options, one that has more options and the other with none. Do you want to hear them?”

The first 'options' should be 'choices'

Well you first choice is … to lead you to the next plane.

This sentence doesn't quite make sense.

'Well your first choice is for me to lead you to the next plane'

'your first choice is to be led to the next plane'

'your first choice is to go to the next plane.'

^Might fit better

like those fantasy books

This isn't really necessary, as the main character does not know what the new world will be like exactly.

Good let me unlock your system

Good, let me unlock your system

The story perspective seems to change from 1st person to 3rd person limited often.

Several exclamation marks at the same time do not look professional. (NOO!!!!!!) Try adding a modifier to what is said instead. (adverbs like angrily)

Thanks for the Chapter!

Dantevivi @Dantevivi ago

Thanks for the chap! Its pretty decent, but he acts a little immature for someone who has a child imo, and i think you need to either label when you change perspectives or keep it on the mc. It got rather confusing a few times when the perspective shifted with no warning.

jakepwright @jakepwright ago

Interesting start you have. I get that he has lost a lot of himself at this point, so the confusion is understandable. But the question is are you doing all the tense and pov switching on purpose to make it confusing? Otherwise your all over the road, switching tenses, first/second/third person a lot.

Thanks for writing

Sociable Hermit @Sociable Hermit ago

It's pretty obvious that you haven't done much editing on the chapter. There's switches in POV and tense (though this has been said before), some pronouns are wrong and a few sentences look like they're only half finished.

Other than that, it's a nice opening. I thought the ending would be great, with the MC starting out with a set goal of spreading the goddesses religion in his new world, a unique spin on an old formula, but from the last few parts of the chapter, it seems like you didn't decide to go down that route, which is a bit of a shame to me.

Hickups @Hickups ago

Great opening chapter. From earlier comments it seems youhad to put a ton of work and consideration in it and it payed off.

Melcontent @Melcontent ago

With the "Wake up." Line there are no commas or full stops. It is also clear that you compy and pasted it because the Ws are all capitalized.

Melcontent @Melcontent ago

I, feeling the strangeness creep into my soul, could not stop the string of words that seemed to escape my mouth, as though they wished to be free of a cold prison.

I feel as if it could be worded better.

How did she know what I knew not of myself? What does this even mean?

 This reads like a bastardised version of Shakespeare. Very wordy and while it might sound pretty it could confuse the audience.