Lone: The Wanderer [Rewrite]
- Sexual Content
- Traumatising content
Nine-to-five. The daily grind. Life. Painful years of school. Working as a slave for some undeserving corporate big-wig. The monotonous life of unemployment. We all experience this in one way or another, and we can all conclude one thing: it's dull.
Such a fact rings true even for the fabled Lone Immortus, a powerful nine-tailed Golden Foxkin. However, what would you do if your monotony was suddenly ground to a halt and you were thrown out of your comfort zone along with a young girl forgotten by time?
Perhaps you might have done things differently, been more organised, immediately died, gained control of the world in a matter of days, but this is Lone's tale, not yours.
Watching two insecure people struggle to survive and find their place in an unfamiliar land just might be enjoyable to witness. Who knows? One thing's for certain: it won't be an easy path for them to tread, and what could possibly be more entertaining than watching people endure hardships and grow?
I know of at least eight gods that would answer with, 'Absolutely nothing.'
I wonder, after seeing this journey from start to finish, how would you answer?
[Goal of 1 chapter per week, the only exceptions being announced breaks or emergencies]
The cover art is courtesy of the very kind and talented ssddx.
This novel is a participant in The Writer's Pledge
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Congratulation For The Rebirth.
I tried to read the old version of the story before but i could not and drop it after a few chapters, but this rewrite is a solid novel that deserves to be red. the only thing i want to say is about your schedule, you should flip it and write the main story once a week until you catch the rewrite with it, because I think the only one reading the main story are the people who got stuck with it from the beginning, I do not think any new readers can read the old version a specially after reading the rewrite.
After I finished reading the rewrite of the novel, I thought to complete reading the novel from the old version but man ohh man, it is very bad. I could not even read one chapter, I felt the same feeling I felt when I read it for the first time, it does not deserve even to be rated. So I understand your feeling when you said “I refuse to keep the old versions up” because I feel the same way. You have developed your writing by a colossal margin from story, style and characters. Over all I will not be reading the old version I feel embarrassed reading a novel like that. I have confidence to say that you earned a place up there (writers’ heaven).
I haven't read the previous version but I'm loving the story. I keep wanting to continue the it with the old version and I can barely stop myself.
I'm certainly coming back for more.
I really can't read the original after reading this, a more mature and fresh take on a good history. So much more dep for the MC relations. Lone please give more love for this rewriting, here you can show how much more mature autor you are now
Year long ramblings, so skip to the bottom if you want my verdict.
SPOILERS!, mind you
I've read both the original AND the rewrite... And what can I say? The original... kind of... needs... to... well not die, but (it really needs to die) I feel like people ARE right when they say that this should become your main focus. I actually fret reading this, because a lot of the times rewrites turn out to be weird, if the author fixiates themselves on their mistakes too much... But seeing how it was you, I finally picked up the rewrite AND... Damn. Despite some logical flaws which might not strictly be any depending on what kind of gamer he was (In this he seems more like a Momonga).
The whole routine of "You get to choose some unique and potentially fucken overpowered skills YOURSELF" leads to a lot of problems.
Me saying that he seems like Momonga (AOG from Overlord) doesn't fit well... He was more of an Rper... Anyways... Mr. Mccullen being one of the servers best players might be... a little hard to believe, but given your personal experience I am willing to let that slide. Not every MMO out there has overpopulated servers and not every server has Omegawhales and powergamers galore.
Now mind you that all of this isn't a big problem. Only slightly unnerving as I personally only ever fought against such low powercap servers in cross server events and... perfect powerfantasy, but it gets boring REALLY quickly. Where was I going with this?
His whole character is believable and written quite well (emphasis on the quite) now, but his base just seems so... ew. Looking at it from an authors perspective, having some Deus Ex Machinae, even if it is explained as "Choose your own unique skills", is rather handy and to be honest, very much understandable. I believe it is fun for both the author as well as the reader to find possible applications for them. And an easy way to fill plotholes may seem cheap, but honestly... No one likes to see the author struggle. And some easy fixes can be better than unfixed plotholes out of frustration.
But my personal problem with them is that mister Elite gamer chad over here doesn't know how games work. If I am remembering correctly, "God" explicitely tells him to win this game for him?
And even if he wasn't debriefed like that...
Mister gamer chad should at least be smort enuff to know that his unique abilities will lead to him snowballing out of control. For that, he doesn't even need perspective. Or rather: he has perspective right from the start. His partner gets skills like immortality...
Him having Creation magic. From the moment on where he found out that he could potentionally recreate nuclear warheads or ABC weapons in general, in combination with Descartes "I eat therefore I level", he should've gone with the basics (storage+Immunity to nonmagical weapons+ Immunity(or resistance) to magical weapons+Resistance to magic as such and... Anything really. My first though was an instakill ability, so yeah.)
But if that would've happened, we'd have a whole nother story on our hands.
Now. I've complained quite a bit now... About one VERY specific point... But it just REALLY irks me. (And yes. I do enjoy playing Monks with wings and Mystics)
But apart from that?
This rewrite is a TREAT. After chewing on a lot of the aspects for a few days I have to tone my own opinion down a little though. I actually believe that this fiction needs a little... More oomph. Can't really explain it, but it lacks... something. Tension? Kinda, but not every fiction needs that. Decisions like goving someone enough gold... feels... really shitty. Creation magic is a beast. No doubt. And the decision to let the MC become a minigod can be well executed... BUT! butbutbutbutbutt<3: One has to smartly counteract that. And decisions like: "Rubies are easily created while eyes K.O. our MC".......... Nani tf? I mean. Yes. Eyes seem a lot more complex, as they consist out of 9 million parts and Hell would I hate to be a god, if I had to manually construct neurons in order to build a nervous system. Gems might not seem very complicated, but just making them requires a LOT of pressure, diamonds needing a literal fton. In addition to that, to make them as pure as these kingdom buying coins need to be, that'd probably a lot more work too... AND. What I really CAN'T under no circumstances, whatsoever, No, never believe, is that coins, that can buy you LITERAL KINGDOMS, have no magical signature whatsoever. If any thousand year old smith exists, which they presumably do, holy hell does the economy get crashed every ten years or so. There is no way, crafting such currency should be possible. There should be OODLES and OOOOODLEEEEES of rune arrays (and noodles) or whatever guarding and marking every single one of those coins. Eh. Enough rambling.
Now it may be only me, but I've picked up on maybe two spelling mistakes and three potentially weird phrases, but then again, I'm only on Royalroad between 0 and 5 am AND english isn't even my third language... So I believe myself to be in no position to critizise that.
The story? Love it! Actually keeps me on my toes. Can't say that about a lot of fictions these days. Be they from Royalroad or other websites/books.
Swearing? A little too few cursewords or rather... too nice ones in my opinion. Might also just be me. I strongly believe that one of my ancestors must have been king of sailors.
Gore? Eh. Some... I guess. Cutting off some arms is quite... normal, all things considered. If your life was ever in immediate danger you come to understand how erratic ones thinking can become.
Traumatising content? No Isekai without slavery! We have some pedos...
Oh yeah. Ageism, speciesism and so forth...
Eh... I'm desense(i?)tized but hey, new readers probably aren't.
Did I miss something? Probably. I'm tired af rn.
This fiction contains a lot of cliches. Was that what you wanted to hear me say?
If you don't like cliches, you probably don't like genres... Damn I start rambling...
ROMANCE! Yes! Very important!
It IS called hentai, after all. And yes, it is art.
Anyways. This rewrite has some of the best (Cutest? realistic? Dunno tbh) erotic scenes I've seen. Then again: I've seen probably 3 good erotic scenes in ALL MY LIFE!
I'm sorry but I do get rather passionate about them. They can utterly destroy ANY fiction. Just like the fight scenes in the old star trek series... Ugh.
Anyways. Romance is handled rather well, even if it is a little arid for my taste. Romance and Sex scenes can indeed be handled both realistically AND steamy.
I should really come to an end.
Lone has improved this fiction to something I care about. Only two other fictions on this site have made me care about them and one of them ended three months ago.
My verdict: Read this. If you like Isekai (Miss me with that SAO shite) you will probably enjoy this rewrite. But be warned: If you want to read the original at some point, don't touch this until you've done so. The moment you read the rewrite, you have a 95% chance of not being able to to advance into the original.
Lone has advanced as an author. And I like this story. Very much so.
KILL THE ORIGINAL ALREADY AND GIVE US ONE TO TWO CHAPTERS OF REWRITE ALREADY, AAAAAARRRRRGGGGHHH! (Hey, I'm a pirate)
The rewrite is much better than the original. I tried reading the original and found that the MC was way too much of an asshole to appreciate the book. In this, however, he is actually reasonably compassionate and doesn't act either bipolar or like a sociopath. He actually considers other peoples opinions and even sometimes takes them.
It's a second draft and you can feel it the story pulls you along with characters that feel they are growing a style all its own decent if not perfect grammar and a story that flows. My only criticism is the female characters age etc feels creepy particularly the initial reaction from the mc.
I dont have a lot of experience on this site, and I tend to like almost everything I read, but I got to say this is one of the best. I haven't read the original, but I am really into the rewrite. I noticed on a recent chapter that you said you were feeling unsure about the rewrite. I just want to say I really hope you continue with it. The interaction between the characters is better than most of the other stories I've read, and I feel like the relationship building is done pretty well. The pace seems to be moving forward at a good pace. Every chapter has a development with either character growth or story. While there really isn't a plot at the point I'm at, I am sure one will present itself later with how long the original is. The combat, while clunky at times, is enjoyable to read and it doesn't stick out as something bad or retract from the story. I noticed a comment about how you struggle writing those scenes, and I feel the need to say that it is some of the better writing out fof the few books I have read. I really enjoy the story and I am hoping you continue with the rewrite. Almost all the other books I enjoyed got canceled, so I am really hoping, and I am sure I'm not alone, that you finish rewriting this outstanding story.
Thank you so much for rewriting this! When I began reading the original version of this it hurt so muh trying to get through it. All I could think was, "This story has such a great idea!" but I wasn't able to keep reading. The conversations were too awkward and quick that it just made it painful .
Now to the compliments, this rewrite is MUCH BETTER! I admire how much you have obviously grown after writing the previous one, and cannot wait to continue reading the rest of this.
Here's my explanation on the loss of a couple half stars...
There are still a few grammar issues, but not nearly as much as in the original. Yet another thing to show the authors growth. Lastly, for the Characters, the conversations are still a little too formal, which kind of breaks the illusion that you create about the world in your mind, but once again it is far far better than the original.
I look forward to seeing the rest!
This is a much better written story of its previous version. The characters are nicely fleshed out and seems much more real than its 1st edition. The world is more decently explored and interactions between characters feel more natural. All in all, the comparison between this story and its previous version is like comparing heaven to earth. But beware! Only read this if you have enough patience and endurance to not be aggravated by the large no. Of people who walk over the mc. I'm giving this a 3 star because the author has messed up his story tags. This is not how an anti hero behaves, you've read the previous one? Thats what an anti hero is. No matter how bad the mc is compared to this one, he was a true anti-hero. The thing is, I was searching for a decent story with an anti hero mc and started reading this. And boy, was I dissapointed with the mc. Lone in this story never felt anti heroic. Of course, it's not a bad thing and many people love his new character changes but you have to admit that it is very miss-leading to tag it as 'anti-hero'. Remove that tag and I'd give it a 4 or even 4.5 anytime cause this story deserves it.
I just read this today and I can't bring myself to read the original when there's so many stuff that are just adding on/missing from the rewrite. Ughhhhh..as much as I want to know more about the story, I can't read the original now! Why must you do this? ;w;
Is there a way for me to continue to the Original without missing the stories from the rewrite?