The Demon Prince: Magic World

by Khanvict

Original HIATUS Action Adventure Fantasy Romance Harem Martial Arts School Life Slice of Life Supernatural
Khan La is misunderstood and feared by his peers and the general population because of his family background.

He is the successor to his clan and one of the greatest prodigy to walk on the face of the planet who strive to become the strongest to protect the ones he cherished.

Khan is summoned with his classmate to a new world filled with magic called Avatha where the humans are in a civil war while under the threat of the demon army invasion nearing.
  • Overall Score
  • Style Score
  • Story Score
  • Grammar Score
  • Character Score
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Khanvict

Khanvict

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Lonesome
  • Overall Score

I just couldn’t stop reading, it captivated my limited imagination; I could see the battle scene flash in my mind. The quality of this Prologue was just amazing, nothing else can describe it. This is a fan fiction that has enormous potential and a story that I will keep close tabs on.

 

Toodle doo

Mwhahaha, Liking my own review; how devious.

Sriper
  • Overall Score

I try to review after at least 5 chapters, but I also would like to say that besides being a nice read, people shouldn't start making pressure in the writer. By how Ch0 was written, I could guess it needed more than a day maybe to write, so let him write at his own pace and inspiration instead of our needs asking a daily chapter ;D

***I will surely change this review and score in the future, keep it up!

AEtherlord
  • Overall Score

Using all the same old story elements, as they should be used

At first, I was a bit worried about the fact that this story's basic ideas are commonly used (and abused) by most of the stories on his site. I mean, you can go down the list; MC hotness, special ability, badaspery...Check,check,check. Busty childhood friend wanting her benefits package ...check, etc.

 

But just as hops malt and water are the basis of a plethora of different kinds of beer, so too are these elements used to create satisfying brews of stories. 

So pour yourself a mug full of awesome by giving this one a try, its refreshing!

TriageX
  • Overall Score

 The FF started of really well, the story seems interesting and i like how the main character, though described as kind, is still willing to kill. I want some latter ch's to have some  dialogue  but other than that it was good. I saw in the description of the FF that the main character will be labeled as a demon, you should actually have him become one later in the story, thad be awesome. Goes back to original world as a Demon Boss. LOL

Dagan
  • Overall Score
  • Style Score
  • Story Score
  • Grammar Score
  • Character Score

Desperately needs work.

*Review up to Chapter 5: Slap.

-Potential Spoilers-

 

Style:

I believe the mode of narration in this story is a major flaw.  3rd person narration can work for some, but it ultimately creates a distance between us and your character.  Your narrator also jumps around a lot.  For instance, the story starts in the present tense, but quickly switches to the past tense.  The story then stays mostly in the past tense, with random lines of present tense strewn about.  There is even a line of future tense in the prologue, which is probably a mistake.  Your narrator also shifts who it is following with no warning.  For the most part it follows the MC, but changes to the childhood friend  and even to unnamed enemies for a few lines at a time.

Another problem is your organization. I understand that quick, easy reads are popular, but a large portion of your "paragraphs" are two sentences. The problem is compounded by the fact that you don't organize your paragraphs by any perceivable measure. The paragraph breaks seem arbitrary, as if just to avoid a wall of text. If you need an example look at the first few paragraphs of the prologue. Later on the problem is mitigated a bit by the nature of dialogues.

 

Story:

The story has commonly used elements, which isn't a bad thing.  The problem is that using more of them doesn't necessarily make a better story.  Just to list some that can be found in plenty of stories here; MC inherited some special trait, has unique abilities, has amazing accomplishments at a young age, has a position of power at a young age, is super attractive, busty childhood friend love interest, harem, summoned to another world to be heroes, etc.  Eventually it all becomes trite. 

 

Grammar:

You demonstrate basic use of commas and apostrophes, which I appreciate after some of the stories I've here on RoyalRoad.  However, there are several run-on sentences that need some form of punctuation.  At the same time, there are a couple fragments that are highly noticeable, such as: [... because he was the heir to the clan, but once he became leader.]   You may need to review punctuation rules regarding possession, as within one chapter you use [Khans/Khan's/Khans' and Yunas/Yuna's/Yunas' ] interchangeably.  Occasionally you don't capitalize names, but I only saw this with Khan specifically.  You also make a lot of mistakes with plurals, such as breast instead of breasts or classmate instead of classmates.  Lastly, there are up to several missing words every chapter.  Generally the word can be figured out, but it breaks the flow of reading.

 

Character:

Characters do not have much depth at the moment, but this could change in the future so I gave it a middle-ground score.

 

Overall:

There are plenty of other points to make, but I'm  too lazy to write a long review.  If you're serious about your story I'd highly recommend a proofreader and putting more planning/time into your writing.  As it stands it's looking like a sub-par story.

 

Weed
  • Overall Score

This ff has already the marks of greatness in it if the author continues this way it will be on the top 5 in weeks,hope he will do daily releases and that he releases more that one chapter a day already whit just this one i want to read more about this story 

Kethazer
  • Overall Score

 I've been following the story since day 1, and every chapter keeps getting better and better.

I'm gonna keep reading and supporting. 

Keep it up, your doing good work.

Forbidden conqueror bestfriend
  • Overall Score
  • Style Score
  • Story Score
  • Grammar Score
  • Character Score

This review up to chapter 2. subjected to change as more chapters come out

 

I love the story so far. This story is definitely a step up from your last two stories. You've improved at a good rate and I hope it doesn't stop. Please keep this story going I would love to see how the MC will mess up the Fat prince and pretty blonde boy.

 

 This has to be my second favorite story so far! 

Sorry my first is forbidden conqueror!! :D

KnightofArtemis
  • Overall Score

The prologue was nicely sized and filled with the beginnings of a great story, and the length of the prologue was perfect. I didn't feel  I was being bombarded with too much information  all at once of the setting and it had a great fluid flow throughout. Hopefully with more chapters to come we'll see this continue and evolve into a great story,  and with that a real review and score based on how both the author and story  continue to develop together.

 

~Knight

 

 

moop
  • Overall Score

cant wait to see what happens and see if she stays with him.