RE: Alternate World Online

by plankdemi

Original ONGOING Action Adventure Fantasy Romance Anti-Hero Lead Harem LitRPG Magic Male Lead Non-Human lead Strong Lead Virtual Reality
Warning This fiction contains:
  • Gore
  • Sexual Content

Yun Shi is a postgraduate IT student, after completing university he didn't manage to get a single job. And so he became a NEET. For two years playing only games and living off what little savings he had. When he was at his ropes end the first VRMMO was released its name was AWO. And so Shi said "I will try it, after all, life is just crap"

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  • Pages :
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Author
plankdemi

plankdemi

Achievements
Word Smith (VI)
I Am Ascending (VI)
Good Commenter (II)
Group Leader (III)
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Table of Contents
Chapter Name Release Date
Chapter 1: A NEET! ago
Chapter 2: Starter Event! ago
Chapter 3: Mystery Gift! ago
Chapter 4: First Impression ago
Chapter 5: The Five Counts! ago
Chapter 6: Regret! ago
Chapter 7: Class! ago
Chapter 8: Returning Back To The Village! ago
Chapter 9: What is The Threat? ago
Chapter 10: Fighting The First Enemy! ago
Chapter 11: Gathering The Pelts! ago
Chapter 12: Level 2! ago
Chapter 13: A Weapon! ago
Chapter 14: Questing ago
Chapter 15: Strength Of An Elite Monster ago
Chapter 16: Finding The Missing Brother! ago
Chapter 17: Interracial Couple! ago
Chapter 18: Others: Valeif Part 1 ago
Chapter 19: Others: Valeif Part 2 ago
Chapter 20: Others: Valeif Part 3 ago
Chapter 21: Others: Rick Part 1 ago
Chapter 22: Others: Rick Part 2 ago
Chapter 23: Others: Yue & Ming ago
Chapter 24: Others: Holdrak Part 1 ago
Chapter 25: Others: Holdrak Part 2 ago
Chapter 26: Can I call you by your name? ago
Chapter 27: Returning To The Forest ago
Chapter 28: Five Houses! ago
Chapter 29: A Line Where One Can't Cross! ago
Chapter 30: Completing The First Hidden Quest! ago
Chapter 31: Worse Than A Newbie! ago
Chapter 32: Alpha Werewolf ago
Chapter 33: A Young Girl! ago
Chapter 34: First Familiar! ago
Chapter 35: Angry Fina! ago
Chapter 36: Fina's Skills! ago
Chapter 37: Bringing Fina Before The Queen! ago
Chapter 38: Queen's Order For Execution! ago
Chapter 39: When a door closes a window opens ago
Chapter 40: New Race! ago
Chapter 41: Returning To Human Novice Village! ago
Chapter 42: Dro = Dro ? ago
Chapter 43: Help Window Updated! ago
Chapter 44: Ulterior Motive! ago
Chapter 45: No Mercy For An Enemy! ago
Chapter 46: Meeting Holdrak For The First Time! ago
Chapter 47: Duel! ago
Chapter 48: Killing Boars! ago
Chapter 49: East Forest! ago
Chapter 50: Talent Specialization Once More! ago
Chapter 51: Choosing Talent Specialization! ago
Chapter 52: Leveling Up! ago
Reviews

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KidBuu
  • Overall Score

So to sum things up before I go into detail on what needs to be fixed the novel gives an interesting route for the normal VR game novels but it needs a lot of polishing as well as grammar checks. . . Also lay off the commas there is a right and wrong time to use them along with an appropriate amount used. Way to many commas being used too close together. 

 

Spoilers below: Constructive Criticism

 

 

First off I felt that I was not reading a novel but instead a outline of what you wish to be written. So lets look at a basic outline of your novel.

1.NEET plays VRMMO
2.Chosen class: Vampire(not a class)
3.Meets Vampire Queen
4. Class changes to a progenitor pure blood(also not a class)

This is a pretty basic outline of some of your novel but here is the catch the story pretty much reads like this. There is so little detail in the novel that I am not even sure what most of the characters or places look like. With the Mc serving Vampire Queen you would think that her appearance, let alone or castle, would be describe in greater detail opposed to the rest of the world. However, what we got was distinctions of the outer vs inner castle and that was all. The outline are bones of the story but your missing the meat(detail) that keeps the readers feed long enough to continue reading. . .

Side rant: Vampire is not a class. A Vampire is a race. A true blood vampire is not a class but a level of the vampire's blood purity(purer blood equals stronger vampire moves). Finally, a progenitor is a court rank and actually you got this right with it being a title so one out of three. An example of a vampire class that you could have with the focus on fighting: Vampire Knight/Blood Knight. 

Another side rant: Fix the way the mc gets this all. The npcs all refuse him so the GM gives him a lottery thats supposed to give him a class but instead gives a race? Yea right if such a situation did occur the GM would have either reset his selection status, told him to start a new character/try again, or given him the most basic warrior class that had the least amount of requirements. You want to stay with the plot that makes him a vampire? Then make it make sense. Give the mc a basic class in the beginning and have him go do some random quest that ends up being a hidden quest. I'll even give you an outline for it.

1. Mc is forced to pick Mercenary class(considered one of the worst warrior classes)
2. He accepts a quest to guide some "hunters" to a nearby tomb.
3. Finds hidden coffin inside tomb that holds slumbering Vampire Queen.
4. MC enchanted by her beauty steps in way of hunters trying to kill her.
5. "hunters" are Vampire hunters who then attacked Mc.
6. MC bleeds on Vampire Queen which wakes her up 
7. Vampire Queen kills all hunters and offer's mc the Kiss of enternal night as a reward.
8. Mc becomes a vampire and follows Queen back to Vampire village to start new game experience there. 

Does that order of events make more sense then some random lottery from making every npc trainer hate him? I think so. . . Oh and just so you know that is a very basic outline of a "princess" save scene just with a vampire girl. Most popular version of this scene will be known from the Skyrim dlc. If you want to look at some well written vampire society/buildings I would suggest for you to go watch some videos of it if not play it.

 

Best of luck.  

Ihateeverything
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This is a dissapointment. I don’t know what I expected, but I was sorely disappointed. You can read it,  but there’s next to no kommas. The author uses minimal descriptive words. The characters aren’t really fleshed out, so throughout most of the story, you don’t understand why the characters do what they do. 

My opinion is: the story needs a rewrite, where the author fleshes the story out and fixes his/hers grammatical mistakes.

Geoffre
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I quit reading when I realized it was definitely an antihero story.  This means my review isn't based on reading the whole story. Which means I don't know if the author improved as he progressed. This is a good reason to always state what kind of character your main protagonist is going to be. That way you can avoid these situations. Ok that being said let me review what I read. The main problem I found was that the system didn't make sense. One example is the character who is the highest level player is able to auction off unwanted items for high amounts of gold that he himself doesn't have. How are these lower level players earning so much more gold than him especially, since there's no crafting system. This alongside the fact the character interaction and story writing are kind of bland is the reason of my review. Like I said to be fair I only read to a certain point. Don't be discouraged just improve yourself as you write. Your fans will appreciate it.

PlasmaticPi
  • Overall Score

Literally the first chapter is a nearly complete ripoff of the scenario of Sword Art Online when they find out they are trapped in the game. And the writing of it was literal trash, it just sounded like someone saying what they were doing like "I'm walking to this place, I'm waiting around, I'm being an idiot". Didn't even bother reading past the first chapter cause of how bad it was.

Tel
  • Overall Score

good, not great, but good

Hard not to compare to SAO when a VRMMO story raises the death game flag front and center.

The narration itself however is much to simple for that to be a fair comparison. The MC origin story McGuffing is epic facepalm laugh outloud edging towards perfectly unique.

Most of the rest of the story leading out from that however is a single PoV stream of conciousness pub stomp. Absurd power leveling quests just falling into place while an entire expansion pack of content is burned like it is going out of style.

By chapter 43 it feels like a second draft is called for, maybe even a third draft after the author reads some of the more polished vrmmo's that are kicking around.

Overall good, but not great.

The story aches of untapped promise, but has moments of sheer genius.

Jknott
  • Overall Score

No back ground provided. The story is bland. The MC blandly states things.

Hydra swarm
  • Overall Score

when is the next upload going to be its been a while ?

Tinkjinx
  • Overall Score

 From what I read on another site, this is not a true novel due to the fact that the mc blatantly follows a straight path (linear progression), has very low iq (basically a robotic a.i that follows simple commands), and can't think for himself (follows what others say). Which means there's basically no interactions only a just do this, and do that, with a majority of npc's somehow hating him for no reason.

This novel is more like a low end rpg with bad stuff in it than a true vrmmorpg.

I'm guessing this is more of a practice story than a real story.