Doomed Dungeon

by Cass262

Original HIATUS Action LitRPG Magic Male Lead Martial Arts Non-Human lead
Warning This fiction contains:
  • Gore
  • Profanity

The SUMMARY

Bastill is kidnapped and sacrificed. He is turned into a dungeon by his captors and they plan to return in five years time to collect the mature dungen core. He has to start back at level 1, while his captor is over level 60 ranked at S, she will also be bringing back others from her group when the collect the core. Can Bastille build his dungeon into a fortress, amass an army, and level up in time to protect his core?

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Summary of the Summary

Bastill...  Dungeon Core... CAN HE?

(Pending Aproval)

If you think you have a better Summary for the Story, Private Message ME. I will leave your Username at the bottom to give you credit.

Also My Cover Sucks -_-

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Started on {5/15/2018}

Feel free to crtitique the writing. Its in a rough Draft right now. If I get decent enough feedback I may continue on writing it. 

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Cass262

Cass262

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MaxOsnes
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A Dungeon Novel with Great Potential

Review as of Chapter 10.

Style: Amazing. Even with the need for an editor, I kept wanting to read more. The words were sucked into my brain, and there was never a time I felt that flow ever stopped.

Story: Even though it is early, the story has a set goal, and has added a few unique twists to it. I'm thoroughly liking the story, but I am worried about how recent developments will turn out. However, I do have trust that the author will continue to write a good story.

Grammar: The most notable thing is mispelled words in the early chapters. Thankfully these words have the same sounds, so the flow isn't interrupted. The author has gotten better in later chapters.

Character: There hasn't been a lot of time to develop characters yet, but I'm enjoying the main character and there's nothing to detracting from the other characters. Exception: Story Spoilers Ahead. You have been warned.

Spoiler: Spoiler

 Additional Thoughts: 

Spoiler: Spoiler

 

AvidReader9508
  • Overall Score

Everything about it is awesome the characters have good personalitys, the interactions are interesting, and skills and creatures are super cool. please dont drop this wonderful fiction no matter if anyone else gives bad reviews or anything, ive seen too many good authors with awesome stories quit just because one person didnt like it.

sdeligar
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Good start needs editor.

Off to a good start and I'm looking forward to more. However the author needs to spend more time checking his work and possible get the help of an editor to fix some annoying mistakes.

Delectablebooklover8
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LOVE THIS BOOK!!! ^~^ ^~^ ^~^

Ok, so I Did just binge read your story AND I'm already in a good mood from Before I started reading but still!!! I LOVE this book!!! 

Ok, I'm a rambler so I'll try to keep this short.

Good start to your story. Interesting play on the, current, end villain. Not the first but still not bad at all. ^~^ Conscientious MC. Possible growth potential= both interesting and high on the future prospects. Nice play on randomly casual info drops. Please continue ^~^. Interesting concept for a litrpg spin for a dungeon. Please continue. ^~^ Would like to see more of this world. The Growth of this dungeon. How he handles ALL of the fun coming his way until he meets the roaming end boss and beyond lol. Who will he meet. What will he do. Etc. ECT. Ect. ^~^. And please continue to listen to us readers with a grain of salt. I'm not perfect and I don't expect my authors to be either. Whatever you changed because of the feedback you were given Did make a better impact for me as a reader. ^~^ You can't just toss a baby dungeon out into the world/wolves without at Least it's swaddling clothes on!!! YEESH! Lol. But in all seriousness. Congrats! You now have a stalker (read loyal fan) who will read all of your work for this, and Maaaybe, other works in the future. Depending on what you do lol. I tend to be a quiet stalker, when I'm not rambling on, so just know... Your works Will be read and they Will be enjoyed with Complete and Utter disregard for my sleep or any other situational awarenesses. I tend to do this for ALL of my favorite stories ^~^. I'm an addict and I Know it! To books, not drugs... I always have this Insatiable HUNGER for a good book, but they're often so randomly updated that I don't know when I'll get my next fix, when I'll find a new drug (read story) to stalk/follow, or if it will die on me in the future... Please don't stop writing... I Love my addiction and want to keep our well fed lol. Oh, and it's mostly for dungeon books right now so you Really lucked out lol. Ok. I'Il stop rambling now... 

*starts randomly checking pg for new updates*

gndddd
  • Overall Score

vale a pena  acompanhar w   seguir

quero  mais   capitulos

Tekknos
  • Overall Score

Miner Spoiler!! (only makes sence if you have read it or have read dungeon storys)

only thing i dont get though is why he didnt get the earth heart and not the angel heart? he was a sculptor.

HamsterDesTodes
  • Overall Score

Review as of chp 6-good premise marred by errors

I love dungeon core stories. I truly do.
This one got a good premise and the start of the tale is promising. Long chapters to boot, what's not to like?

I tell you what: the grammar. The author desperately needs an editor, or at least a beta reader or two. The first 4 chapters weren't especially good, then came chapter 5 and I became hopeful, only to have said hopes crushed in chapter 6.
I'm not talking about a few mistakes. It's dozens of them, and I'm not even counting the punctuation (I never figured English punctuation out myself).
It's not mere typos, a spellchecker was clearly used. But missed words, superfluous words, wrong words and whatnot all slipped through. There are even continuity errors and I'm only 6 chapters in! Also don't even get me started on the math. Numbers are definitely not the authors best friend. Yet he always tells us hard numbers, instead of leaving things vague and less error-prone. whhyyyy?

Maybe I'm more susceptible because English isn't my first language and I have to translate everything in my head, but it's pretty terrible if you can't read more than a couple of sentences without stumbling over something.

If you don't mind the constant errors (does it get better later on?) you'll find an interesting take on the dungeon core genre.
I'll probably return and read on after I've given my poor brain the chance to cool down.
Hopefully, some beta reader can be found.

Endless Paving
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A story with interesting world mechanics

Sixteen chapter in with a week or so between irregular chapters(plus or minus, that’s a guesstimate)

Another dungeon story, of the blood sacrificed former human variety. There isn’t a stupid scatter brained tutorial pixie, so yay for that. So far there has been some creativity in the style with the mechanics of the abilities and resources affecting different things in different ways that aren’t as obvious as a no-brainer. There is dramatic conflict, as well as some amusing humour (especially that mana-overload scene). There are some goods twists in the strange things that can happen.

The story is the good old evil bad guy thing with the added dynamic of a corrupted protagonist fallen to evil(with a twist), and the brave adventurers seeking treasure and glory(we’ll have to wait for deeper character development).

The grammer is on the typo quality side but completely readable; there are just some ‘too’s instead of ‘to’s, some minors doing mining, and some unfortunate apostrophes. Fully ignorable, but any small flaw can become an annoyance.

The characters have personality but could do with more depth. Complex motivations(meaning behaviours that diverge from their core personality depending on circumstance) are yet to be fully explored. So far each character  has been given obvious personal type and pretty much stuck to that single facet of themselves for all behaviour instead of revealing even the occasional contradictory action when given the chance. Grumpy guy is grumpy no matter what happens type of deal. They do all have motivations and interesting interests so they aren’t really cookie cutter cliches to a degree that I’d dislike them. The story has just been plot focused is all.

Overall a good evening’s read so far and I’m waiting for more. :p

Ral
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The author of this story can't make up his own mind. Things are set up at the start then few chapters later it would be changed to something entirely different. This mercurial nature of the story makes it very unsatisfying.

Style:

I give the author this, the story is well told. It is really easy to be engaged and be drawn into the story. The jokes hit. The emotions are there. It is all well told.

However, there are times when the pacing becomes really shitty. The most egregious is that chapter where nothing happens and almost 80% is devoted to statistics. I know these statistics are ubiquitous and important to a story like this, but you can't have a chapter of just that.

The pacing becomes even more crappy as the story becomes even more of a mess (I'll talk about that later). There will be POVs of characters that doesn't add much to the story. There would be too much detail and attention to things that doesn't matter. Moments would be drawn out for no reason. It just becomes more and more uncontrolled.

The author can tell a good story well, but even he can't handle a story that is slowly breaking apart.

Story:

I really feel disappointed with the author is doing with his story. He just doesn't know how to follow through!

At the beginning, all was well. The set-up, the characters, the setting... everything is done so well. What comes next is a different matter.

The author just doesn't know what to do with the materials that he have. The author is so fickle. He keeps changing everything. One chapter it was like this, few chapters later it is not.

My biggest gripe would be how he fouled up the time bomb plot device. This device essentially just adds a time limit to the protagonist to do what he have to do. It is so popular because this device adds a sense of urgency and tension to the story. This device is actually spelled out in the summary of the story.

A few chapters later... What did the author do? He messed it up so badly! First, he forgotten about it. Like, the time limit doesn't seem to be there. Other conflicts are introduced but they are never connected to how they could help or hinder in succeeding in reaching the deadline.

And the worst of it, the author actually downright ignored and break it. He let the big boss, to return and attack before the given time. The time limit becomes pointless.

How could you mess up this badly?

And it is not just that. It is the biggest misstep, but the author do this with almost everything. He just doesn't carry through with any of the plot-lines. The statues, the 'fracture', the adventurers, etc. The author either forget about them or just mess them up.

Which I feel is really too bad. The plot lines the author setup are incredibly good. The problem is, the author just doesn't know what to to with them.

Grammar:

I give the author this, the editing is okay. I have low expectations when it comes to webnovels when it comes to grammar and the author writing is just fine. There are problems here and there like misspellings and the like, but not too much to too distracting.

Still, another pass at editing is in order.

Character:

This is another aspect where the author is so incredibly fickle. The way he treat his characters is like how he treat his plot line, he just do whatever the heck he wanted. He has no idea what to do with them.

The first character to fall into the authors fickleness is the protagonist himself, Bastil. It was fine at first... then... poof! Fractured! Well, it was surprising... it doesn't turn out to be good. What the author essentially did was to flatten Bastil's character, making him uninteresting, and, the author doesn't seem to know what to do about it. There are many commenters who would tell the author what to do, but he doesn't want their ideas. On the other hand, the author doesn' have any ideas himself. And now we are stuck with a protagonist that very few cared about.

And this happens to other characters, almost one by one. The authro would have great setup for them, and give them great personalities... just great. awesome characters. Then on a whim the author would do something that completely changes these characters and essentially make them lame. The latest victim seems to be the foxes.

It is like, the author know that the readers loved these characters so he think he has to do something radical. So, he does something radical and changes the characters completely... Why? We love these characters! Why would you turn them into something completely different? Why would you ruin the qualities that makes us love them?

I think he believe it is "character development" that everyone keep praising about, but, again, the author has no idea what to do. His idea of character development is having his character suffer then have them develop personal issues. Just... lame. It is childish at best (they feel like they are throwing tantrums), pathetic at worst (his characters has weak personalities).

The only saving grace are the characters that doesn't receive these "character developments." They are really fun, entertaining and lovable.

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Overall, this story ends up highly unsatisfying in certain ways. The author keeps setting up expectations only to ruin it. If the author for once just stick to what he has started and carry through, the story would have been solid and fulfilling. Instead, the story is just a project of fickleness where everything keeps changing on a whim.

Still, stuff that isn't afflicted by the author's mercurial whims are damn great. Hope they stay that way.

j03man
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Amateur author & it shows

Style is higly repetitive.  Objects, people, and ideas are not described creatively.

Story has decent world building and an interesting plot that doesn't grow stale though could become unmanageable.

Grammar is good enough that the story still comes through but as the chapters progress the proofreading seems to get worse and worse.

Characters are above average in their conception but garbled in their execution due to a limited writing style.