October 12, 2012
Today is the worst one of this week. I don’t want to get up. Everything around me has no life anymore. Everything is just so stupid. Still, I have to get up so I don’t have to deal with Dad. The daily routine; do a bump in the bathroom, strip down naked and stare at every little fucking imperfection in this disgusting body.
Today’s outfit is a black and gray flannel shirt tucked in my black cut up jeans to be shorts. Black high boots and the darkest make-up I can do. It ends up blending, it’s the perfect mixture between pretty and bad bitch. Lastly, I put on my bead bracelets to cover up the marks on my wrists. I take one more look in the mirror. Bruised knees and a bloody nose, lovely.
I made Emily wait outside for ten minutes just because I can’t fucking stand myself in the mirror. Emily doesn’t care, but Grace sure does as she complains that we’re going to be late now. She’s cute, Grace still has her innocence. I wonder how long that is going to last. The first bell rings as soon as Emily parks. Grace runs ahead to her class while I barely get out of the car. The sky’s gray again.
I drank too much and now my head’s a pain. My hands are cold and I wonder why I even got out of bed at all. I don’t want to be here at all. I want to run away. I want to say sorry. I want to disappear. I’m trapped in my head and wrapped in thorns. I just want to be free.
Here I am trapped in the past; wishing for something that’s gone.
I remember the day I spent with my brother. He took me to the cemetery then we stared down at the town after. We didn’t talk much but it was the most peaceful I’ve been in a while It makes me want to believe my brother is a good person deep down. Yet that’s just another lie I tell to comfort myself. It’s like how I would want to run away to be free from this cage when in reality the cage is something I built by myself. I can never be free from it because it is me.
I’m not even sure if I’m even human anymore. I’m just wasting time in a complex universe walking step by step aimlessly. I don’t have dreams, I don’t have something to look forward too. I don’t even know why I’m even here anymore. Any time I try to find myself all I find is dirt. I look at myself like I’m art but I’m garbage. I laugh in my head and think of something Cody once said in a freestyle of his. I breathe in carcinogens because I’m car-sick again looking at this course through my head. That’s exactly how I feel. I’m just a carcass playing the part of being alive.
Maybe one day I’ll be able to fight this hell.
Yet that’s another lie to make myself feel better.
I’m not long for this world anymore. Elizabeth had the right idea.
Once the breakfast leaves my body that’s when the dry heaves start. That’s what I looked forward too while Lucas took his time to finish up. To me, that pain is much more bearable than the five minutes right before. That pain makes things bearable again. The things I do to keep the only family I have on my side.
Emily has been waiting right outside while the whole thing occurred. I don’t deserve her as a friend. She’s too caring and patient. “You seriously need to stop and just tell Andrew you’re gay.”
“And lose the only brother I have? No.” I tell her as we walk to class together.
“You’re an idiot.”
“I’m not the one going to homecoming with him.”
“Ha, ha, bitch,” Emily immediately laughs for real right after. “It’s just a fling, relax.”
“Oh, I don’t care. How is Cody taking things?”
“He doesn’t like it but at least we’re friends again.”
“So by dating his friend that makes him want to be your friend again? Boys are odd,” I laugh.
Emily joins too. “I know but it’s whatever. Things are finally going back to normal.”
“Are you going?” Emily asks once we’re in class.
“I don’t think so. Lucas really wants me to go. Wants us to be official, whatever that means.”
Emily’s eyes drop a bit. “Sara, you have a nosebleed.”
Somehow I didn’t even notice the wetness above my lip. Emily pulls out some tissue of her bag and hands them to me. “Thanks.”
“Yeah, yeah. I’ll be fine, I just gotta go to the bathroom,” this nosebleed is a big one I know it.
The bell rings a bit before I get in the bathroom. My head leans forward as I watch the pool of blood flow down the sink. I don’t do anything to try to stop it. At most I smear the blood all over my mouth and grin at myself.
Eventually, the nosebleed stops on its own. I’ve been staring down at the sink that time just passes without being able to keep track of it. I just hope Emily told the teacher where I was just so I don’t have to explain myself.
Three girls are standing by the lockers on my way to class. I recognize two of them almost immediately. It’s Megan and her friend Amanda. They were Elizabeth’s best friends before we became friends with her. They fucking hate our guts and especially hate me because I’m fucking Amanda’s brother. They’re picking on some girl who’s hair is covering her face. I recognize that it’s Jana Kramer as I get closer.
Jana was their friend as well right up until Ellie’s death. She became a recluse and doesn’t talk to anyone anymore. I don’t see why they would pick on her.
Out of all the things I don’t want to do, this is one where I do. “Don’t you guys have something better to do?”
It stops them right on their tracks. “Yeah whatever, Sara. This doesn’t concern you.” Megan says.
“Class is almost over, what are you doing here?”
“Fine, but I’m going to the office and telling them you’re ditching again. Aren’t you on probation, Amanda?”
“Bitch,” Amanda mutters under her breath and walks away.
Megan lets go of Jana Kramer, “You know if it wasn’t for your stupid brother you would get your ass beat too.”
Megan scoffs and walks away.
Jana gets herself upright and looks at me for a second. She’s a mess. She used to be so cute, I even had a crush on her. She isn’t the same person anymore. I don’t look away because I expect her to thank me or something but she just walks away. I can’t even get a 'thanks'.
Emily wants to go out for lunch today but like everything else today, I don’t want to do anything. I go outside the school and sit by a ramp on the side of the school where the football field is at. I just stare at nothing.
I just want to cry and I can’t even manage that.
Is this really how I’m going to spend my last days alive? I thought I would get one last hoorah. I thought I would try to be the light in everyone’s lives so they can remember me with positive eyes. I thought I was going to be cheery and happy. Instead, I’m withering under the sun, being slowly dried up until there is nothing less.
A pair of legs stand in front of me and I look up to see it’s Jana. She looks down at me and doesn’t say anything. “Here to say thanks?”
“Thanks,” she says and walks away.
That enough is to bring me back to reality. The jocks are playing a game of touch football in the field. There’s a bunch of girls watching them. The stoners are under the bleachers just hanging out. I doubt they would be stupid enough to smoke there.
Somehow I feel like I belong.
A bell rings. I don’t know to which class. It doesn’t matter. As I walk late to class I catch Megan again picking on someone else. This time she has Gracie pushed against a wall. Something inside me makes me act and I run over to her and push Megan off Gracie.
“What is your problem?!”
“You’re really fucking with my flow today, Sara, you whore. Just leave this.”
“Gracie are you alright?” I ask and she nods holding her throat. “What did Grace ever do to you?!”
“Leave, Sara. Now,” she sounds pissed.
I just don’t get why the teachers in this stupid school don’t believe us when we tell them Megan and Amanda are just bullies to Grace. Telling a teacher won’t fix anything. I have to step in. “You need to leave Grace alone.”
“You need to mind your own business!”
“She’s my friend, this is my business, bitch.”
I don’t see the fist but I feel it in my temple. It hurts and it pisses me off. They taught us in biology about the flight or fight response everyone gets. I always thought of myself as a runner, but my body decides to fight. I hit Megan back in the cheek and it staggers her. I hit her again in the shoulder then push her down to the ground.
“Hey!” I hear a strong male voice from afar. It’s a teacher.
They don’t believe me that I was only defending Grace even with Grace as a witness. They don’t even believe her that Megan was hitting her. Of fucking course, Megan is the school’s golden girl. Now they’re calling my father.
After waiting an hour they tell me that I’m being suspended for three days and I have to go home immediately. Mr. Scrotum tells me that I’ll have to walk home as my dad’s not coming. Good, I don’t even want him to come to get me. He’ll probably crash on the ride home.
Word travels fast and Emily texts me soon after. I’m pissed off, tired and hungry to even respond. I don’t want to go home but there isn’t anywhere else to go. Every place that’s even remotely fun is too far for me to walk too. I don’t have a choice.
Dad is still passed out on the couch. He’s like this more often than not. He drowns in the alcohol. It sounds appealing right now. I lie down on my unkempt bed and close my eyes.
I like to dream I’m in a place far from here where no one knows me. It’s a place where I can reinvent myself and don’t have to worry about anything else but myself. I’m happy here, content that the negative thoughts aren’t there anymore. I’m alive here and things have color.
I know that can’t ever happen so I just wake up.
I clean my bed, do my homework and then check the internet real quick. I check up on everything that’s been happening through Emily. Apparently, Cody confronted Megan for picking on Grace today. My brother almost got caught smoking weed in the parking lot after school and now he’s with Emily at her house with Cody and Grace. I could join them but there wouldn’t be a point as I won’t have fun. I never have fun anymore.
I stand in front of the mirror, staring at my slim, naked and pierced body. I feel every rising Goosebump as I touch the soft “Searching for Some Beautiful” text tattoos on my upper right breast.
“You’re such a mess, Sara,” I say to myself as my nose starts to bleed. “And your nose is bloody.”
Again, I observe and touch each little bruise and cut. I look at myself straight in the eyes. My hair is all over the place, my mascara is running and blood is now falling into my mouth. The blackness spread all over my face as I rub my face with my hand.
“Sara!” My father screams out for me.
Every single part of me sinks into the dark abyss that I call home. I get dressed and step out to the bathroom to greet my father. “Yes?”
“Why the fuck were you in a fight today?!” My father stands drunkenly in the kitchen as he makes a sandwich.
“I was protecting my frie-”
“I don’t care! What the fuck did I tell you about staying out of trouble you bitch!”
Fuck. I hate these parts the most. I’m so scared. Where’s Andrew?
He comes up to me and before I know it I’m on the ground again. I don’t even feel the fist he just threw at me. “How many fucking times do I have to do this for you to fucking learn!”
Again. He hits me again.
I can’t leave. Where would I go? Emily’s dad would only let me spend the night over so many times. No one else would take me. I don’t want to leave the city and live with some other fucked-up family. I don’t have a choice. I don’t… all I have to do is to suck it up.
I go limp and there’s a moment of nothing.
“You look so much like your mother.”
I can’t think. What’s happening? Why is he on top of me. What’s going on? What’s going on? Why is my shirt open?
You’re such a piece of shit for letting him do this. I mean, he’s fucking raping you! What the fuck is wrong with you? All you have to do is tell someone and you could end all this madness. You make me fucking sick, Sara. No wonder daddy isn’t daddy anymore. Mom’s suicide is pretty much all your fault. You made Andrew into a piece of shit. That’s your fault too, should have been there when he needed you. I bet you don’t remember last summer when you took and Lucas’ dick in the ass. But oh no, you just had to enjoy eating out all the pussy in the four-ways and orgies. Compared to that, this isn’t all that bad, huh? I wonder if Emily would stay your best friend, even a friend at all if she knew all of this. I bet you want to eat her pussy too, huh bitch? What about Grace’s young jailbait pussy? I bet you want a taste of that, you whore. It wouldn’t be too hard either, after all, she’s just a stupid freshman who could be easily manipulated. I bet Andrew gets to her before you do. Nah, I hope he does just to watch you suffer. Oh? You like it when Daddy spanks you don’t you? Yeah, you do you fucking slut. You are nothing but a worthless piece of a motherfucking faggot cunt shit. Oh yeah, it’s getting rougher, isn’t it?! Fuck yeah; take it like the bitch that you are, SARA! TAKE IT, TAKE IT, TAKE IT! YOU KNOW YOU LOVE THAT MOTHERFUCKING DISGUSTING COCK! Oh, it hurts, doesn’t it? By the time you’ll be finished with school your pussy will be fucking loose. NOBODY WOULD WANT YOU! And all you can do is cry and cry and cry. It’s all because you’re nothing but a weak fucking girl. Why haven’t you killed yourself yet? Elizabeth and Mom did. It’s really not that hard. The guy fucking you right now keeps his gun under the bed. DO IT FAGGOT! But you’re too scared. That’s why you snort Yay and pass out. That’s why you drink heavily just like your stupid shit of a rapist father. All you do is hide. You’re weak. Your existence in this fucking universe is fucking meaningless. Remember when you found Mom crying and her hands bleeding and you did nothing! Yeah, I bet you fucking regret that stupid night. Hmm, he finished. What a fucking disappointment. Clean your whore dirty body up and cry yourself to sleep you faggot.
I hug my pillow as I scream into it. The tears have made it unbearable to even touch but I don’t care. I don’t care if someone barges in my room and sees me lying in my bed naked without any covers.
And I cry.
And I cry.
And I cry.
And I cry.
And I cry.
And I cry.
And I cry.
I need to die. Elizabeth made it seem all so easy.