Oblivion Online

by Mighty Moushie

Original ONGOING Action Adventure Fantasy LitRPG Male Lead Virtual Reality
Warning This fiction contains:
  • Gore
  • Profanity

Thanks for permission to use the cover by WanderingInPixels over on Deviant Art.

 

Marty had a fairly easy life as a cook for Arctic Storm Entertainment headquarters when he gets an offer from the company to try out a new playstyle for their biggest VRMMORPG, Oblivion Online.  Follow him as he makes his way through the game as one of the monster races trying to survive against the forces of light.  

 

Author's note: I will update every Monday and Friday for sure, with the possibilities of bonus chapters through the week if I get extra writing done.  I also did a disservice to several of my characters early on.  I'm slowly working through a re-write, but it will be a while as I want to make sure I get it right this time around.

  • Overall Score
  • Style Score
  • Story Score
  • Character Score
  • Grammar Score
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Author
Mighty Moushie

Mighty Moushie

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Table of Contents
Chapter Name Release Date
Chapter 1 ago
Chapter 2 ago
Chapter 3 ago
Chapter 4 ago
Chapter 5 ago
Chapter 6 ago
Chapter 7 ago
Chapter 8 ago
Chapter 9 ago
Chapter 10 ago
Chapter 11 ago
Chapter 12 ago
Chapter 13 ago
Chapter 14 ago
Chapter 15 ago
Chapter 16 ago
Chapter 17 ago
Chapter 18 ago
Chapter 19 ago
Chapter 20 ago
Chapter 21 ago
Chapter 22 ago
Chapter 23 ago
Chapter 24 ago
Chapter 25 ago
Chapter 26 ago
Chapter 27 ago
Chapter 28 ago
Chapter 29 ago
Chapter 30 ago
Chapter 31 ago
Chapter 32 ago
Chapter 33 ago
Chapter 34 ago
Chapter 35 ago
Chapter 36 ago
Chapter 37 ago
Chapter 38 ago
Chapter 39 ago
Chapter 40 ago
Chapter 41 ago
Not a chapter, some news ago
Chapter 42 ago
Chapter 43 ago
Chapter 44 ago
Chapter 45 ago
Chapter 46 ago
Chapter 47 ago
Chapter 48 ago
Chapter 49 ago
Chapter 50 ago
Chapter 51 ago
Chapter 52 ago
Chapter 53 ago
Chapter 54 ago
Chapter 55 ago
Chapter 56 ago
Chapter 57 ago
Chapter 58 ago
Chapter 59 ago
Book 1 epilogue ago
Not a chapter, my working notes ago
Book 2 Prologue ago
Book 2 Chapter 1 ago
Book 2 Chapter 2 ago
Book 2 Chapter 3 ago
Book 2 Chapter 4 ago
Book 2 Chapter 5 ago
Book 2 Chapter 6 ago
Book 2 Chapter 7 ago
Book 2 Chapter 7.1 ago
Book 2 Chapter 8 ago
Book 2 Chapter 9 ago
Book 2 Chapter 10 ago
Book 2 Chapter 11 ago
Book 2 Chapter 12 ago
Book 2 Chapter 13 ago
Book 2 Chapter 14 ago
Book 2 Chapter 15 ago
Book 2 Chapter 16 ago
Book 2 Chapter 17 ago
Book 2 Chapter 17.1 (rewrite) ago
Book 2 Chapter 17 final version ago
Book 2 Chapter 18 ago
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Book 2 Chapter 48 ago
Book 2 Chapter 49 ago
Book 2 Epilogue ago
Not a chapter, just a summary of some things ago
Book 3 Prologue ago
Not a chapter, ideas ago
Book 3 Chapter 1 ago
Book 3 Chapter 2 ago
Book 3 Chapter 3 ago
Book 3 Chapter 4 ago
Book 3 Chapter 5 ago
Book 3 Chapter 6 ago
Book 3 Chapter 7 ago
Book 3 Chapter 8 ago
Book 3 Chapter 9 ago
Book 3 Chapter 10 ago
Book 3 Chapter 11 ago
Not a chapter, Dungeon trap discussion ago
Book 3 Chapter 12 ago
Book 3 Chapter 13 ago
Book 3 Chapter 14 ago
Book 3 Chapter 15 ago
Book 3 Chapter 16 ago
Book 3 Chapter 17 ago
Book 3 Chapter 18 ago
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Book 3 Chapter 26 ago
Book 3 Chapter 27 ago
Book 3 Chapter 28 ago
Book 3 Chapter 29 ago
Book 3 Chapter 30 ago
Book 3 Chapter 31 ago
Reviews

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HJekyll
  • Overall Score

Good premise, Good Story, Bad Protag.

The Good: The premise is solid, the plot is interesting and makes sense, it's funny without trying too hard.

The Bad: The protagonist. Let's map it out:

-Everyone loves him, except his direct competitors, who grudgingly respect him

-He doesn't seem to have any actual character traits

-He lurches back and forth between brilliance and stupidity, from making (simple) traps that "no one has ever seen before" (rocks fall, everyone dies) to trying to stop a charging monster with a tripwire.

-He's smarter than the grandmaster alchemists, who don't understand the most basic of chemical principles, apparently

Overall, falls more into the traditional "Power Fantasy" litrpg than the more recent underdog stuff.

Aihnman
  • Overall Score
  • Style Score
  • Story Score
  • Grammar Score
  • Character Score

Style: Writing style is mostly fine, until it's time for dialogue. The dialogue feel like someone put together a montage of an actual conversation, giving the conclusions with none of the details or emotions. There's actually very little dialogue, which is by itself a product of the poor story, but does help to support the style score.

Grammar: Can't say anything about it's grammar, which means I never noticed any issues. If I don't notice, I can't complain.

Story: What story? "Bland character splattering noobs" is the best I can come up with. With broken mechanics. Oh, god, the mechanics. The author clearly has no undersanding of MMOs. There's so much wrong with the "game" mechanics I don't know where to begin. Am I honestly expected to believe nobody has ever thought to use pocket sand, and it's okay for it to be comparaable with an ability others can't use until level 35? A level 0 trash mob is allowed to make an undetectable trap that can literally splatter an entire party? Basic rocks can, with no crafting abilities, can be made in to grenades capable of wiping entire parites?

And the dungeon thing? Hooooooly shit the dungeon thing. The entire fucking idea that new monster players should be trapped for a week as glorified canon fodder, not allowed to explore, progress, or grow? That monsters need to be weaker than light races. NPCs need to be weaker than players, yes, because players are expected to win. But now the monsters are players. The monster players need to have fun, too (without cheating or abusing exploits, like the protagonist does).

The way races and classes are picked, and expected to be stuck with forever works only when all the options are available at the start. Not only are they not, making them unlock based on actions and having various raritys and power levels is such horrible game design I can't fathom how the idea manged to make it in to a chapter. I imagine people will be getting intimately familiar with all the low level aspects of the game as they remake character after character, trying to get one they're happy with.

Character: There's no main character. I mean, there's a... "person" we follow. But he has no character. There's not a single emotion to be felt anywhere from, no development. He's simply a vessel through which he explore just how broken this "game" can be. Between the other monster players and the GM, it seemed like there might have been hope for salvation. That salvation never came.

Aline2251
  • Overall Score

So far this is a great start to your story and I'm looking forward to reading more of it

xxaavv
  • Overall Score

The story is alright, but it feels too game-like (I know it's a game but still...) The dark races act no different than humans. The dialogue feels really stiff and artificial. The main character has a rather idiotic name. All in all I couldn't feel immersed into this story, and ultimately thats all that really matters to me.

kaizo
  • Overall Score
  • Style Score
  • Story Score
  • Grammar Score
  • Character Score

Great story, great author, some issues.

So, having read through the story in two days, I feel confident in saying that this is an absorbing and entertaining adventure. However there are several issues with the story, especially at the beginning. However, the author has addressed most of them in book two, and had promised a rewrite at some point. Now, on to the nitty gritty.

Style:

The story is written in first person past tense for the most part, with side chapters from other perspectives every so often. I really like this, because very few stories on this site take advantage of multiple viewpoints, and I've always loved a cast of characters, all doing their own thing. Some of the side chapters are in third person, and some are not. Personally I think it's better to be consistent. The prose is not particularly flowery, but it's sufficient. The story is also funny on occasion, not exactly a comedy, but still funny. Overall, 4.5 stars.

Story:

I do like this story, a lot, but there are some early issues, and recently I've had some quibbles, but nothing egregious. There premise is that our hero is being recruited as a beta tester for the new monster races in your stereotypical LitRPG MMO. Nuff' said. He starts the story with +100 to all stats plot armor, but that goes away after a while, and the author has talked about a rewrite of the beginning. The armor never entirely goes away, but does get quite literally nerfed. That said our hero is definitely OP, in that he blows through supposedly correctly tiered dungeons alone, which might not be an issue for him, as he is beta testing, but the developers of the game definitely need to get to work on meeting his whole race. I wouldn't even mention that, but the developers are characters that we see fairly regularly after a while. Besides that, the story is well structured, and fairly believable. Though parts of it would make more sense in a story of the "hero transported to another world" genre, as a game like the one portrayed would lose fans rapidly. But whatever, it's entertaining.

Grammar:

Oh boy, here we go, but first allow me to say that I'm writing this on my phone, with Google's sweeping keyboard, so my review will probably have issues as well. Now, on with the review.

While the grammar in this story is leagues above most stories on this site, there are some very consistent issues. For example, I'm confident in saying that every single chapter of this sorry has at least one, and I think usually quite a few, instances of tenses being mixed up. Even miss sentence. There are some points at which I was unsure if the story was still being written in past tense, and had to go back to check. This happens everywhere, but I'd very consistent worse during action scenes. One particular quiet I can pinpoint off of the top of my head is that frequently a character will think something along the lines of, "Let's see what will happen next." This, and other instances, are unfortunately not a job for find and replace, and require rewriting, and unfortunately for the author phrases like this are very common.

This story also needs a proof reader, as the usually perceptive eyes of the RRL community seem to have failed the author. I personally noticed a typo or three in most every chapter. Now you might say that I should stop being a hypocrite and mention them myself, but I read on my phone, and wiring is time consuming, I've spent nearly an hour just writing this much of the review so far. But these problems attend actually deal breakers, as these issues aren't going to be noticed by most people on this site, at least judging by the standard of grammar set by most authors on it. *Sick burn*

Characters:

The characters are generally likable, though a bit two dimensional at first. The author has made a concerted effort to improve that area in the second book though, and by and large has succeeded. They mostly have unique and interesting goals, and some of the NPC's even act a bit like charicatures of real people, which is fitting, I suppose since we've seen proof that they are not yet sentient AI's, as the company making the game which is not evil, just bad at making games imho, h meaning humble, not honest, I will fight you on this, has deleted, and created them at will.

I would write more, but my thumb is getting cramped, it's two in the morning, and I have to get up at seven today.i also just realized my scores don't quite average out right, and I haven't read through my review at all, but I'm a bit tired, so author, if you're reading this, if this doesn't make sense or sounds unfair, tell me, somehow, I guess... I didn't think this sentence through, run ons are fun...

Cheers!

Par0xysm
  • Overall Score

Could've been great, but is flawed.

So after reading this story up till book 2 chapter 10 (and most of chp 11), i think i'm capable of writing a review, well as capable as any would be.

The story is written with love and imagination, and i have to give 1 star for effort, but the story is too filled with errors and holes for me to get any enjoyment from it anymore. There's so many brainfarts in the storyline that i have a hard time not making this review too excessively negative. *:WARNING: This review contains spoilers*

TL:DR: This is a huge review, and if you don't like reading this much, then i'm surprised you're even reading stories here on RRL.

First of all, the early chapters were really interesting, i liked the dungeon tutorial, and enjoyed seeing what new traps angus would make. But....

Side Characters and npcs:

Then came the side characters... *sigh* None of the characters in the story besides angus has held any interest for me. The 3 'friends' we keep hearing about in the cafe scenes are uninteresting, and imo completely unneeded. None of those 'scenes' has captured me at all, and i honestly don't see any reason for them having so much 'screen time' in the story. They're all lacking any exciting qualities, and their personalities come off as flat, and uninspired. I've found myself skipping almost all their backstories/cafe scenes (i've skimmed a little, but quickly lost any interest i had).

Khaliss is another character i simply don't like or understand; in the beginning he was a complete scrub npc that basically didn't have any skills or personality to relate to. And now he's suddenly mr. miyagi with spear skills, shadow manipulation, and knows everything and anything the mc needs to learn to be 'better'. He is never satisfied with anything the mc does, because he's the ultimate grandmaster-sensei-know-it-all. The same goes for almost any other 'teacher' npc.

Only the smith actually interests me, and the alchemy guildmaster; since they are the only ones with an realistic personality and could've had an exciting backstory to learn about. (if it wasn't for them being npc's in a game....)

 

Huge world building problems/plot holes: I'm aware that this story is all happening in an artificially constructed virtual reality world, and the fact that i know this, completely removes any tension the author tries to bring to the story. Simply knowing that no matter how grueling, death defying, traumatic and incredible/fantastical anything we read about is, the fact that none of it has ANY profound consequences in any way, simply removes any excitement i personally would've had for any developments that happen.

A thing that makes no sense to me at all: The mc can completely obliterate, decapitate, maim, liquify and use other types of extreme violence on sapient beings (artificial or not, if it's virtual reality it's supposed to be exactly like reality). WITHOUT having even the slightest bit of remorse, or adverse effect on his mental health?

He just goes to a 'cafe' and eats cake, plays with children and jokes around with his 'friends' after slaughtering and doing things that would leave basically anyone who isn't a complete psychopath/serial killer, mentally scared for life? The things he's done so far, would leave even the most battle hardened real life soldier mentally unstable for the rest of their life. And it literally breaks all conventions of realism or suspension of disbelief.

Also i get that he has skills that give him the ability to do stuff in game, but the way it's happening/written makes it seem like he's a veteran of thousands of wars and skirmishes. Almost like a true blue ultra marine from warhammer 40k. And now he's suddenly getting 'training' out of nowhere to improve his skills, which wasn't a necessity for most of the story untill now?

Also if all these skills get imprinted into his mind, and body, wouldn't that mean that basically any physical feat he learns/trains or masters in the 'game' would transfer over to his human body upon being disconnected from the capsule? or does his memory, muscle memory or otherwise get deleted ? 

And all this poison training is another thing which makes absolutely no sense, and hasn't been explained properly AT ALL. How is he able to 'see' inside himself, and 'zoom' in on specific cells/membranes, and see how they work and all that? Even going so far as being able to mount a 'defense' (?) against an invading poison, as if he can control his own antibodies/white blood cells with the power of his mind? Yeah he uses his mana for it, but that makes even less sense, since that kind of fine manipulation would be impossible without a grossly expanded mental faculty/improvement to his basic mental capacities. Even if he can manipulate mana, how the H**l can he split his focus onto millions, upon billions of cells/bacteria? It's utter nonsense. It's almost like the story has gone over to xian xia with inner ki vision/spiritual sight or did i miss something?

Even the virtual reality capsule he uses to experience these things, seems incredibly unrealistically though of. This level of science would be impossible in the author's own frame of world building, since the mc worked in basically a modern day kitchen with no incredible sci-fi machines or anything you would expect from this type of setting.

What is the point of the story?:

I have still not found out what the point of the story is, it's about a person who does fantasy stuff in an virtual reality mmorpg. And then? There is no end goal, no point(s) of no return, no big mission to complete, no larger than life dream to be fufilled, no nothing. It's basically like playing an rpg without any point to anything that happens, you just play for the sake of playing, without having a goal.

I'm sorry this came off as such a negative review, but i honestly hope the author can use my critisism in a positive way to improve his writing. Some huge twists to progress the world/story as we know it (Something on the scale of the matrix). And i could see this story going places. But as it is now, none of what happens matters much.

 

Dave
  • Overall Score

Be a player of monsters, begin in the Dungeon zone and level up. Some downsides to playing, but adaptive players can work this to their advantage. Excellent book, really liking how you evolve once you reach a set level and how you can become a variant.

NetLord
  • Overall Score

 The grammar is fine, without anything spectacular or no real offenses

The story premise while not that realistic is still fine and works

The style is ok

But after a few chapters its stupid, the mc runs up against comically retarded people after awhile, all from being able to throw op grenades, simple physics trap instagibbing high level players, people looking into easy ambush points and having autistic fixation with stopping a trap. Along with this we get some weird mix of the mc never being seen in stealth, with clunky stone weapons which also break entire parties on what seems to be a miniboss at best where he either has a party walk down a tunnel with "spooky" words on a wall and then throws blue rocks at them until they die or Bing bang whole party dies to a hammer on a stick.

Then later he turns into perfect alchemy god of the kobolds while also being shit at fighting near his level with op as fuck gear for his level.

And the mc is boring for the whole time.

 

 

 

magpie
  • Overall Score

Can It Keep Being This Funny?

Chapters 1-11: Playing a Beta Test Kobold and using cunning and guile is good. Running into all of the classic  player types from the reluctant girlfriend to the whinging brat power-levelled with his (competent) older brother's discards. The story maintains a "Funny" emotional tone and had me laughing out loud.

Now, can the Story progress into a Novel or will it stay as a great short story? 

Aesoir
  • Overall Score

Pros:

1) grammar/plot/concept should have this story on 1st active page not 4th

2) writer actually played mmorpg's, that's right, broken exploits get nerf'd, overly effective tactics get patched etc. It's actually nice to see.

Cons:

1) some issues are oddly not addressed (nearly 300 pages in), like is it a hardcore game with realistic pain thresholds?

2) if so what about other more insidious issues when dealing with the ability to torture (or otherwise harm people against their will), how did the the developers address it (since it's an established game)

3) for a system back ground as complex as the games to allow for functioning npc's, the fact that the npcs hadn't come up with their own scientific method is just odd. If accomplished crafters didnt want to waste time on low level goods, thats understandable. However all scientific method is, is systematic trial and error really.  In other words don't sell the NPC's short, it cheapens the MC's accomplishments.