The Storm King

by warden1207

Original ONGOING Action Adventure Fantasy Harem Magic Male Lead Secret Identity Strategy Strong Lead Supernatural
Warning This fiction contains:
  • Gore
  • Profanity
  • Sexual Content

Leon and his father, Artorias, are the last remaining scions of a once powerful and illustrious family of lightning mages.  After barely surviving an attack that destroyed their home fifteen years ago, they now live in the dangerous Northern Vales, a desolate wilderness far away from civilization.  But those who want them dead are strong, patient, and relentless, and it is only a matter of time before they find the two they seek...


Posted first on my website,, which will be 4 chapters ahead of anywhere else I post.  Expect new chapters every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday around 10 am CT


I have taken the WriTE Pledge, meaning that I will see this story to completion, no matter how many eons it may take.

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7th Warden of the Divine Graveyard

Village Head (VI)
Great Commenter (V)
Word Count (VII)
I Am Flying (VIII)
Table of Contents
Chapter Name Release Date
1- The Forest of Black and White ago
2 - Magic ago
3 - Inherited Blood ago
4 - Preparations ago
5 - The Hunt I ago
6 - The Hunt II ago
7 - Ritual I ago
8 - Ritual II ago
9 - The Vision ago
10 - Soul Refinement ago
11 - Mana Glyph ago
12 - The Mission ago
13 - The Team ago
14 - Two Journeys ago
15 - Vale Town ago
16 - Guests ago
17 - A Meeting ago
18 - Friction I ago
19 - Friction II ago
20 - The Village ago
21 - Recon ago
22 - The Raid I ago
23 - The Raid II ago
24 - The Guide ago
25 - Going East ago
26 - Identity ago
27 - The Glade ago
28 - Return Journey ago
29 - A Call ago
30 - An Attack ago
31 - The Fight ago
32 - Serana ago
33 - Fifteen Years Ago ago
34 - Artorias' Last Breath ago
35 - Burial ago
36 - Ambition ago
37 - West ago
38 - The Prison In The Mountains I ago
39 - The Prison in the Mountains II ago
40 - The Prison in the Mountains III ago
41 - The Prison in the Mountains IV ago
42 - The Prison in the Mountains V ago
43 - Leaving the Prison ago
44 - Reaching Civilization ago
45 - Charles ago
46 - The Bank ago
47 - Tower Lord ago
48 - The Vault ago
49 - His Name ago
50 - On to the Inn ago
51 - The Estate ago
52 - The Door ago
53 - Flight from the Estate ago
54 - Breathing Exercises ago
55 - The Capital ago
56 - Some Much Needed Training ago
57 - The Enrollment Test Begins ago
58 - Power Test ago
59 - Combat Test I ago
60 - Combat Test II ago
61 - End of Enrollment ago
62 - Chance Encounter ago
63 - Results of the Test ago
64 - Their Fortress ago
65 - Tension in the Dining Hall ago
66 - Rules and Structure ago
67 - Basic Combat I ago
68 - Basic Combat II ago
69 - Start of Classes ago
70 - Additional Instruction ago
71 - Brewing Trouble ago
72 - Her Challenge ago
73 - The Pool ago
74 - A Battered Pride ago
75 - Plans for Retaliation ago
76 - Leon's Comedy Routine ago
77 - Rain ago
78 - Remnant ago
79 - A Subdued Response ago
80 - The Next Week ago
81 - Capital's Tower Lord ago
82 - Search for a Bow ago
83 - The End of Basic Combat ago
84 - Assault on the Snow Lions I ago
85 - Assault on the Snow Lions II ago
86 - Missing Snow Lions ago
87 - Absence ago
88 - Where They Were ago
89 - First-Aid Week ago
90 - Armor, Small Unit Tactics ago
91 - Patrol Training ago
92 - Planning an Attack ago
93 - Banner Raid ago
94 - A King's Demand I ago
95 - A King's Demand II ago
96 - Safety Measures ago
97 - Introspection ago
98 - Acquiring Ingredients I ago
99 - Acquiring Ingredients II ago
100 - Potion Preparations ago
101 - The Following Weeks ago
102 - Ambush ago
103 - The Chase ago
104 - Brotherly Concern ago
105 - An Unexpected Request ago
106 - An End to Denial ago
107 - Return of the Snow Lions ago
108 - Heavy Infantry Training ago
109 - Lions and Tigresses ago
110 - The Arena ago
111 - Burning Pain ago
112 - Severe Burns ago
113 - Demon Fire ago
114 - Monster Classes ago
115 - Final Classes ago
116 - FTX Prep ago
117 - FTX I ago
118 - FTX II ago
119 - FTX III ago
120 - FTX IV ago
121 - FTX V ago
122 - FTX VI ago
123 - FTX VII ago
124 - FTX VIII ago
125 - FTX IX ago
126 - FTX X ago
127 - FTX XI ago
128 - Post-FTX ago
129 - Old Acquaintances ago
130 - Lion Armor ago
131 - Intimacy ago
132 - Decimius ago
133 - Departure ago
134 - The Galley ago
135 - Blood on the Naga ago
136 - Cyrene ago
137 - Fort 127 ago
138 - Samuel ago
139 - Supply Mission ago
140 - Trouble Moving South ago
141 - The Third Watchtower ago
142 - Remnants of the Squad ago
143 - Leon and Alix ago
144 - The First Watchtower ago
145 - Retreat to the Fort ago
146 - Rest ago
147 - A Clearer Picture ago
148 - Delaying Action I ago
149 - Delaying Action II ago
150 - Ulfr ago
151 - Jean's Promise ago
152 - The Valemen Charge ago
153 - Battle for the Fort I ago
154 - Battle for the Fort II ago
155 - Battle for the Fort III ago
156 - Battle for the Fort IV ago
157 - Battle for the Fort V ago
158 - Battle for the Fort VI ago
159 - Battle for the Fort VII ago
160 - Battle for the Fort VIII ago
161 - Consul of the North ago
162 - Making Plans ago
163 - Two Years Early ago
164 - Trust ago
165 - Relaxing in the Capital ago
166 - Roland's Investigation ago
167 - Investigations and Enchantments ago
168 - Sanctions ago
169 - Family Dinner ago
170 - Inner Fire ago
171 - Southern Cruise ago
172 - The Bull's Horns ago
173 - Diplomatic Corps I ago
174 - Diplomatic Corps II ago
175 - Anna ago
176 - Meeting the Diplomats ago
177 - Magic Senses ago
178 - Diplomatic Mission ago
179 - The Crater ago
180 - Exploring the Crater ago
181 - Stupid Dumb Idiot ago
182 - The Cradle ago
183 - Anzu ago
184 - The Map ago
185 - An Unexpected Storm ago
186 - Lightning ago
187 - Judgement of the Giants ago
188 - Lapis ago
189 - Power of the Gods ago
190 - Returning to the Horns ago
191 - Meeting the Prince ago
192 - Prince Trajan ago
193 - Leaving the Diplomats ago
194 - Trajan's Knight ago
195 - Roland's Investigation II ago
196 - Gathering in the West ago
197 - Octavius ago
198 - Risking Treason ago
199 - Princess Cristina ago
200 - One Year Later ago
201 - Beginning the Investigation ago
202 - Vampire's Den ago
203 - Fire Demon ago
204 - No Time to Rest ago
205 - Crossing the River ago
206 - The Guild District I ago
207 - The Guild District II ago
208 - The Guild District III ago
209 - The Guild District IV ago
210 - The Guild District V ago
211 - Post-Riot Recovery ago
212 - Friends ago
213 - Owain ago
214 - Xaphan's Request ago
215 - Bluefire's Box ago
216 - Bluefire Guild Founder ago
217 - Silverleaf ago
218 - The Smuggler ago
219 - Actionable Intel ago
220 - Smuggler's Cave I ago
221 - Smuggler's Cave II ago
222 - Decimius' Losses ago
223 - Trajan's Retinue ago
224 - Alix v Henry ago
225 - Preparing for War ago
226 - Florentine Problems ago
227 - Florentia ago
228 - Battle for Florentia I ago
229 - Battle for Florentia II ago
230 - Battle for Florentia III ago
231 - Response I ago
232 - Response II ago
233 - Waking Up ago
234 - New Found Determination ago
235 - Weapons to Fight a Shadow ago
236 - War Council ago
237 - Arthwyn's Nightmare ago
238 - Hunting a Vampire I ago
239 - Hunting a Vampire II ago
240 - Hunting a Vampire III ago
241 - Bleeding Leech ago
242 - Peace Offer ago
243 - A Royal Proposition ago
244 - Infiltration ago
245 - Losing Patience ago
246 - Stalking a Lion ago
247 - Constantine's Stand ago
248 - Trajan's Response ago
249 - Continued Assault I ago
250 - Continued Assault II ago
251 - Continued Assault III ago
252 - Something Stupid ago
253 - Switching Targets ago
254 - Discovery ago
255 - Talfar Blinks First ago
256 - Pursuing the Fleeing Rat ago
257 - Assessing Losses ago
258 - Hunting a Rat ago
259 - Captured ago
260 - Naiad ago
261 - The Bull's Ghost I ago
262 - The Bull's Ghost II ago
263 - Running for the River ago
264 - Punishment and a Pleasant Surprise ago
265 - Killing the Mood ago
266 - Heart-to-Heart ago
267 - Xaphan's Gems ago
268 - Treason ago
269 - The Second Assault Begins ago
270 - Second Assault ago
271 - Strength of the Paladins ago
272 - An Interesting Name ago
273 - August and Trajan ago
274 - Surrender ago
275 - Aftermath of the War ago
276 - Trajan's Price ago
277 - The Queen of Talfar ago
278 - Negotiation ago
279 - Preparing to Leave the Horns ago
280 - Departure from the Horns ago
281 - Calabria ago
282 - August's Offer ago
283 - Under Triumph ago
284 - Triumph ago
285 - Knighting Ceremony ago
286 - An Inevitable Talk ago
287 - Leon's Ring ago
288 - The Third Prince ago
289 - Prince Antonius ago
290 - The Bull's Investigation ago
291 - Other Business ago
292 - Octavius and the Paladins ago
293 - Justin's Arrival ago
294 - Demonic Consultation ago
295 - Official Summons ago
296 - Facing the Court ago
297 - Invitation ago
298 - Spymaster ago

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Recommended - Imaginative if flawed adventure


This is a semi-advanced review that focuses on the technical aspects of writing and the conceptualisation of the story at hand.


Disclaimer: All my ratings range from 0.1 (poor) to 5.0 (outstanding). As such, a rating of 2.5 might be considered average. Most scores I hand out are slightly below that.


I make all of my remarks with the intention of helping the author develop and improve his story. Harsh as my comments may at times seem, I usually invest a lot of time and effort into writing these reviews – I wouldn't if my intention were to simply bash young authors into submission and shame.


As a closing note, while I've scanned every chapter you've released (including those not on RR), I've only read the first dozen or so in greater detail. Thus, I will only discuss technical intricacies of the first few chapters. Usually, that is of little to no consequence for a review, as most technical issues present in the first few chapters usually persist throughout the story unless pointed out.


Onwards with accustomed brutal honesty.





The Storm King is a tale of fantasy, magic, and intrigue. Far removed from civilisation, miles and miles away from even the most backward kingdom and as distant from the powerful central realms as possible, deep within the hauntingly beautiful if dangerous Forest of Black and White, beleaguered by nothing but despiteous wilderness and sundry magical beasts, Leon and his father Artorias lead a meagre, isolated life.

With death not a distant threat but merely the result of even a moment's inadvertence, Leon's life is a constant routine between lessons, training, and hunting with his taciturn father, a magician beyond his son's horizon.

Life is hard but straightforward – at least until the fated day finally comes that his father deems Leon ready to finally cross the threshold of becoming a second rank mage...



Orthography: 3.55/5 – A pleasant surprise


It has proven to be illuminating to start out with orthography – something a lot of people not only consider a formality but also typically fail at.

First, the happy news: The Storm King is very much readable. Sentences are usually well thought up, the flow of the paragraphs is far above average, and there are no major problems with phrasings. Even the evil spectre of all casual authors, the dreaded punctuation, is handled reasonably well – if slightly worse than all the other aforementioned aspects.


As a side note, I can't tell you how happy I am to read a story on this site that is very consistent with its Oxford Comma. For that alone, you get a bit of freebie goodwill.


Most mistakes I noticed seem to be slips of the pen. To illustrate my point, I'll point out a few of the more glaring ones I spotted within the first two chapters.


  • ' ‘I suppose it doesn’t matter, either way I’m getting a ton of sleep tonight.’ he thought.' [Ch2]

    There's quite a bit wrong with this one. Most obviously, the full stop near the dialogue marker.

    Secondly, the sentence structure fails to fully correlate with the punctuation. It's, naturally, possible to connect two complete sentences by comma; however, as there does seem little reason in this specific case, I'd always take the full stop here. It might be a point of debate for the narrative level, but since this is a monologue, the case seems pretty straightforward.

    Lastly, “either way” is used as an introductory phrase. Those are, commonly, followed up by a comma.

    The complete line should, therefore, probably be something like this:

    'I suppose it doesn't matter. Either way, I'm getting a ton of sleep tonight,' he thought.


  • '[…] lies a number of vales […]' [Ch1]

    '[…] the next step in the adaptation process comes […]' [Ch1]

    '[…] theirs is a chaotic world […]' [Ch1] → tense

    Even descriptions purely on the narrative level shouldn't mess with the time. Also, have a look at the entry under technical writing.


  • On several occasions, you place unnecessary commas between a complete sentence and an ellipsis.

    '[...], and to justify his actions.' [Ch1]

    'This mana would then enter his muscles, and saturate them with magical power.' [Ch1]

    'He held it near his check [!] for a single heartbeat, and released.' If you want to emphasise the 'and released', I'd strongly advise you to use a dash.


  • As mentioned right at the top, you often use commas to separate complete sentences. I'd advise you not to do it, especially in phrases that already make use of commas.

    'Artorias allowed a small smile to appear on his face, his son was correct, the stag wasn’t very far.' [Ch1]

    This example should illustrate my point because you manage to separate three complete sentences by commas. The first one I'd replace with a full stop. The second should, the way I read it, be a semicolon.


  • Lastly and few and far between, there are examples of you missing a comma.

    'Leon had a little trouble, as the stag was quite large and he was only a first-tier mage, but Artorias […]' [Ch1]

    [The stag was large] and [he was a mage] are both complete sentences and would – usually – require a comma. In this specific instance, however, I'd propose you shuffle the sentence a bit to reduce the number of commas. Purely aesthetic, but my own first idea was this:

    'Leon had a little trouble; the stag was quite large, and he was only a [...]'


  • Capitalisation

    There's hardly any problem with this. First chapter, I only noticed one teeny mistake that was clearly an oversight.

    '“Thanks.” Said Leon.' [Ch1]

    Comma instead of full stop and 'said' in lower case. Self-explanatory.



Language: 3.55/5 – up to snuff


There isn't too much to point out – which is good!

To make it beyond 4.0, I expect authors to have casual elegance in their phrasings, offhanded humour, cutting precision. To be honest, that kind of level requires incredible amounts of dedication and work. Considering writing is probably not your full-time occupation and you likely can't afford to brood over each sentence for minutes, I wouldn't give it a second thought.

Your language is otherwise good enough to nearly make it up to 3.75/5, but there are a few things I need to point out that take away from your score. Nevertheless, the second pleasant surprise!


  • The speech level of the narrator's voice

    You mostly do a fine job at this, but there are instances where your narrator's voice is a bit too informal and lax.

    'ok' [sorry, can't give you a reference here] is not an accepted spelling in formal contexts. It's either 'okay' or 'OK' – your pick.

    Consequently, 'comfy' [Ch2] isn't acceptable either, at least not for the narrator. It's perfectly okay for your characters, but your narrator really should use 'comfortable' or at least 'cosy' (or 'cozy' in AE).

    'east-west and […] north-south' [Ch1] This also doesn't work. Write it out, please. The use of hyphens to replace 'till' or '' is much too casual.

    'Father-son pair' [Ch1] would be my last example. By now, it should be fairly obvious what I'm alluding to.


  • Word repetitions

    There are, surprisingly to me, a few cases where you bludgeon your reader to death with a few choice words. I'm not sure if that's an oversight or a choice. I'd advise you to have a look at them regardless.

    1. 'Though the blade seemed to be made of good steel, it seemed to be of a quality that any city blacksmith in the southern kingdom could make with little effort. […] But no ordinary blacksmith could make this plain-looking sword. Despite how ordinary […]' [Ch1]

    First of all, these sentences lack...flair. They're extremely dry and the wording is dull and repetitive. Also, this paragraph is plagued by filler words.

    Especially words like 'to seem', 'nearly', or 'like' often take away from your writing.

    Draw your sword (pencil/mouse), and cut them down! Adverbs are the enemy.

    Google 'Filler words' if you're unfamiliar with the problem. There's plenty good advice on the internet.

    2. 'He breathed in, held it for a moment, then breathed out. He breathed in, held it, then exhaled. He breathed calmly and consistently, holding in his breath for several seconds each time. As he breathed, Leon’s heartrate slowed.' [Ch2]

    That's a bit too much breathing, seriously. (Also, 'heart rate' are two words.)


  • Variation in punctuation

    I believe I've made my case already, but the sparing use of emdashes, semicolons, or even brackets can really be a breath (:>) of fresh air. You don't need to overdo it, but refusing to make use of them is...strange – and a missed opportunity.



Technical aspects of writing: 2.95/5 – above average


Before I come to the main gripe I have, I need to point out that your first chapter starts in simple present tense before you arbitrarily switch to (the more commonly used) simple past. There are exactly two very unlikely situations where that is allowed – and only those two.


  1. if your whole story is wrapped in a frame narrative that takes place in the present (apathetic or personal)

  2. if what follows is a flashback to be later revealed as such (and your real story is written in simple present)


Otherwise, I'm afraid, it's simply bad.


Secondly, I want you to have a look at this sentence:

'Without Artorias, Leon would've long been killed by the beasts of the forest.' [Ch1]


In what follows, I'll try to point out why I really dislike this sentence, dislike it enough to dedicate it an entire paragraph.


Firstly, this part of the narration is apathetic (there's no change in 'colour' of the narration due to a person's influence. → See below), the reader comes to the conclusion that your hitherto impersonal narrator is making a judgement call about your characters. That alone is more than just unfortunate because your (impersonal) narrator should be descriptive, not judgemental.

In short, this is the same category of faux pas as writing 'Leon really was a coward.' Even if he was, you shouldn't put those words into your narrator's mouth. Firstly, because readers might feel alienated if you try to dictate them what to think. Secondly, because it reveals a lack of effort.

Second fictional example: 'Artorias is a shady ne'er-do-well.' This is a strong example, but you practically feel that this sentence is off – wrong somehow. That's because the narrator tries to force an opinion on the reader.

This, in essence, is why it's better to show than to tell.

Even if Artorias were shady, it might be better to portrait him drinking, wasting his life away. The reader can come to his own conclusions that way, and you actually paint your world.

If Leon is a coward, you need to write about his nerves, his short breathing, his eyes that dart from left to right.

And, lastly, if Leo really would be killed without Artorias, you need to describe how Leon feels safe with his father, how he trusts his commands, how he sticks close to him. If you want to stress the point, have him relive a short(!) memory of a more drastic learning experience.

If you don't like any of that, at least phrase it impersonally or without making a judgement about your characters by the grace of the narrator. Like so:

  1. (apathetic) The Forest of Black and White was dangerous. The creatures lurking within could tear up the body of a boy twice Leon's size.

    The difference between this and your sentence is that neither Leon's fate nor definite strength is anticipated.

  2. (impersonal) Anyone would have agreed that it would have been madness for a boy Leon's age to wander the forest alone.

  3. (personal) Leon didn't hold to such follies as misplaced pride; he knew the forest and the beasts within would kill him if not for his father.



The following part of the review is rather technical in nature. For those uninterested in literature studies, feel free to skip it entirely!


I don't want to go beyond the scope of this little review, but there is one issue with your story that – frankly – irritates me a bit. I might have to point out that, by occupation, I tend to look for and notice other things in writing than most people would. As such, these tend to be rather technical problems 95% of your readers might either a) not notice or b) not care about.

I'll point them out anyway because, from a standpoint of literary criticism, they are structural deficits.


By now, you might be confused as to what I'm even talking about. I am, in too many words, babbling about perspective and narrative styles.


Most people writing in third person know of 'omniscient' and 'limited', believing that to be the extent of all things possible. That statement is so drastically wrong that I'd need at least five pages to illustrate the many possible ways to categorise 'perspective' in writing. But, for the sake of simplicity, let's stick to what most people are familiar with and carefully expand upon that.


  • 'Omniscient' is understood to be exactly what the word implies: a narrator who knows everything. Usually, that manifests itself in the disclosure of multiple characters' thoughts.

  • 'Limited', by contrast, expresses the understanding that the narrator will only 'dive' into one character, usually following him around.


In truth, perspective in narratology isn't a dualistic thing at all. Rather, it's a set of attributes. One such attribute is 'spatial perspective', another might be called 'focal point' or 'personal perspective' – you might also hear stuff like 'modus' and (importantly) 'tone'.


Thing is, I can write a story that sticks to one character's perspective without revealing anything more than what is apparent to an invisible third person, completely disregarding the person the narration follows. I can write an omniscient narrator who still sticks only to one character's thoughts. I can write a story that only appears to feature an omniscient narrator who, in truth, is another character in the story and who knows these things because he's telling the story. I could also, theoretically, write a very confusing story that only reveals character A's thoughts while following (in the sense of describing the events around) character B. I could write a story where character B describes everything character A experiences.

I can write a story that follows a bunch of people without revealing anything more than what is apparent from a neutral standpoint.

...and those are only the easy examples that defy the apparent dualism.


BUT, and this is the important part, in casual literature aimed at a broad audience, you want to pick one style of narration and stick with it – to the bitter end. You might, at times, bend the rules. Often, you find that happening with (what the uninitiated call) 'limited' because it can prove to be extremely tedious or difficult to explore the past or background of your story with that style.

I usually like taking Harry Potter as an example, because everyone has either read the novels or watched the films. Rowling makes use of a rather strict 'third person limited'-style. However, her storytelling reaches its limits when she tries, for example, to explore Tom Riddle's past. How could it be possible for Harry to first-hand experience his nemesis' sob-story? Realistically, it isn't, but – conveniently – she invents the Pensieve (and the diary) which are pretty much plot devices to overcome the boundaries of the perspective she is stuck with. Otherwise, Dumbledore would have at least twenty pages of monologue each book.


Now, why does she go to such lengths? Because it is extremely bad form (not to mention irritating) if there is no continuity in the narration, and that includes perspective.


And now, we finally come back to your story.

From the start, the reader gets the vague (but justified) sense that Leon will end up being the protagonist. You're not engaging in any shenanigans.

Your style of narrating the story, on the other hand, is extremely muddy.



Let's have a closer look at some of your early sentences:


'By virtue of his strength, Artorias had no trouble finding the stag […]' [Ch1]


This bit of writing is impersonal (we cannot truly identify the person influencing this sentence) but reveals more information than a neutral bystander could feasibly know (Artorias' true strength). As such, let's call it apathetic/omniscient for now. But the sentence continues.


'[…] but this was a learning opportunity for his son.' [ibid.]


Yikes! What happened here?! Suddenly there's talk of 'his son'. Suddenly, the sentence gives off the impression of free indirect speech, which would be a very personal style of narration. 'His son' and 'learning opportunity' clearly indicate (personal/mental) perspective, namely Artorias'. At this point, the narration could either be limited (on Artorias) or omniscient (with switching mental and spatial perspectives).

Let's look further ahead.


'Leon needed to learn how to kill.' [ibid.]


The word needed is important; it does two things: it practically disproves a neutral, omniscient narrator (because that one wouldn't make judgement calls about the characters), and it is evidence that Artorias' (personal and mental) perspective is seeping into the narration. It's important to note that the phrase quoted is not in quotation marks that would indicate direct thoughts of a character.

As such, this is either a personal style of narration or another example of free indirect speech.

Thus, at this point, we have to come to the conclusion that you're – unwittingly – writing third-person limited focused on Artorias.

But that simply can't be true because, disregarding what happens in the story, your spatial perspective is almost exclusively limited to Leon. That's especially evident during the short altercation between Artorias and the Ice Wraith(s?) during the first chapter; the narration stays with the son – not the father.


In short, you make use of a personalised, omniscient, spatially bound perspective that changes its tone based on the most prominent character of the scene.

It's a structural nightmare.

Now, as I said before, most people won't find this very disturbing or even take notice. But, in addition to annoying people such as me, you'll find a more practical negative side to that problem; your readers will be less invested in your main character.


The easiest solution would be to delete all personalised comments within the narrative and go for third-person omniscient.

The, for your story, probably best solution would be to read over all the scenes and try to stick to a narrative style that focuses on Leon.



Technical realisation (concept): 2.25/5 – Uninspired and predictable


I don't want to discuss this in detail. If you have questions, I'll be glad to answer them per message. To make my point, I'll only look at the concept of the first chapter, which acts as a kind of prologue.


A common mistake I see, especially on this site, is that the first chapter isn't nearly polished enough. Frankly, the first chapter needs to completely sweep me off my feet, leaving me nonplussed, angry, tenderly moved, shocked, spooked – anything!

The first chapter, more than introducing characters or describing your setting, needs emotional engagement commonly referred to as 'a hook'. And not just at the end, mind you. There are two very important parts the first chapter of every book should excel at. The very first paragraph, and the last line. Both of those need to leave strong impressions.


Your first chapter, on the other hand, reads like an exposition to your world. If that kind of narration would draw in readers, the Silmarillion and the Old Testament would be perpetual bestsellers.

They aren't.


Your entire first chapter makes a good job of giving us a glimpse of how both characters' lives are. We don't learn too much about them personally, but we get some clues about the world they live in. That's not bad. What your entire first chapter completely lacks, however, is some kind of story hook.

I'm not exaggerating when I say that your first chapter is just a description of a typical life of your characters. That might be – forgive my cynicism – enough for a reality show, but it's not good enough, not nearly good enough for a novel.


From a narrative standpoint, it – frankly – serves no purpose whatsoever. The only reason you'd go into such detail would be if their everyday life was about to undergo some dramatic shift. Even then you'd need something to forebode their dire fate.


The Storm King, however, doesn't really have any kind of tension heights until the ritual – and that's chapters in. This is the same kind of problem most reincarnation novels fall prey to: the pacing is off. Slow pacing is only acceptable if you have an underlying tone of threat.

Have you read the Lord of the Rings? Even though the first hundred pages are extremely (!) slow-paced, literally only featuring character- and world building, there's still the looming threat, the vague sense that something's off.

And that bit needs to stand at the front. If the first three sentences fail to deliver a hook, no publisher would ever accept the novel, no matter how good it is.


I usually give the following advice: Every scene you write, you need to ask yourself: 'Does this scene further my characters, my world, and my plot?'

If it doesn't, there's a very high chance something's wrong with it.


The plot of your first chapter – brutally exaggerated – is this: 'Father and son walk into the forest to hunt, the father easily drives away a few monsters – no worry – and they return. Fin.'


Let me repeat: You handle the world building beautifully, the character building decently, the plot building...badly. It's like your painting a beautiful but empty scenery; I love the colours, but there's nothing to catch my interest, nothing to look at.


Story: 2.95/5 – badly paced drama in beautiful colours


This is one of the easiest points I've ever had to grade.

Your world building is extremely good (around 3.9/5) if somewhat heavy on stereotypes. That's not necessarily a big deal though. I adore what you did with the Forest of Black and White, for example.

On the other hand, I didn't particularly like what happened after the ritual. I don't want to include spoilers, but – from a story building perspective – that sort of thing might possibly drive you into a corner. I've seen it happen dozens of times. On the other hand, it might instil a sense of urgency and clear opponents. It comes down to how you handle it, in the end.

The real problem, however, is the pacing. It feels like you, as an author, needed twenty chapters to finally start rousing from a state of drowsiness.

I've said what needs to be said, but – again – building a world is not enough for a good fantasy story.


As a minor issue, I think you mentioned Artorias wields a longsword? There were a few scenes that left the impression that he uses it with one hand only. Might have been me flying over the script, but – in case I'm right – you need to change either the scenes or your description of the sword; longswords were always two-handed weapons.


Characters: x/5 – score withheld


I can't, in good conscience, rate this as I can't guarantee that I didn't misread some parts (again, I practically flew over some later parts of the story).

My general impression is that you neither fail nor stick out. Not messing up is good, but I feel like you're a bit too cautious. I don't have any problem with Artorias; his taciturn nature and slight, justified paranoia are well done.

Leon, by contrast, feels a bit...empty. He's the son, he's learning, and he's the protagonist. Those were the only really important impressions that lasted. He's not...quirky enough, not fleshed out – he lacks contrast. That might, in part, be because (like his father) he's on the quiet side, but you also missed a lot of opportunities. The scenes with the other squires, for example, come to mind. The only thing those did for him were establishing him as, understandably, slightly socially awkward.

I don't know if I can love that kind of protagonist.


Verdict: 3.05/5 – enjoyable if flawed, imaginative adventure


This gets a 'cautiously recommended' from me.

In plain text, that means the story still has several flaws (narrative, pacing, characterisation), but it's also generally enjoyable.

All in all, I commend your effort. It's very apparent that you're taking this project rather seriously, and that much is appreciated. It also has to be pointed out that an established number of chapters per week is a very good thing. Personally, I feel like I could immerse myself better if the chapters were a bit longer, even at the cost of fewer per week, but that might – I guess – come down to preference.


As a last notice, since the pacing problems were a big part in the score (and the pacing substantially improved since the beginning of the story), it's quite likely that the score might automatically rise as the plot unfolds and the early weaknesses become less of an issue in the grand scheme of things.


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A Westernized Cultivation Fantasy Story

This story is basically a westernized version of a Chinese cultivation story. Cultivators are instead called mages, but they’re basically super powered humans that fight with martial weapons. Instead of Chi or Heavenly Energy, they increase their longevity and refine their body and souls with mana. They even have “soul realms” and “soul palaces” that are just basically the equivalent of a cultivator’s “natal palace” combined with a spatial storage function, and with a less nonsensical name. The aesthetic seems fairly western though, with knights, paladins, vampires, werewolves, nymphs, gorgons and such.

MC seems to be a pretty stock mary sue – not all that much in the way of personality, but not really unlikeable either. He’s a scion of a fallen noble house, possessed of a long lost, mysterious, legendary beast bloodline, raised by his father in an unforgiving wilderness -- pretty standard cultivation fantasy fare.

There is A LOT of exposition at the beginning. Until about 14 chapters in it is all exposition and set up. Hell, the real inciting incident -- the uncle ben, origin story moment -- doesn't happen until chapter around 32 to 34. Grammar and sentence structure seems fairly strong, but you can tell that the author is heavily influenced by translated Chinese web novels because you’ll occasionally see awkward or unconventional turns of phrase that are endemic to that sort of literature such as “improving by leaps and bounds” and “you can now be counted among the ranks of second-tier mages.” (you know, as opposed to “you are now a second-tier mage”) Thankfully, I have yet to see “ ... is like the difference between heaven and earth”, or “... like leaping over the dragon’s gate”, but it is still early on in the series. Nonetheless, the writing is generally solid, and the author has a decent level of mastery over the English language.

The plot so far is interesting but not masterpiece level. There are a number of fictions I’d recommend reading before reading this one. That said, if you’ve read those fictions up to the most recent chapter, or they aren’t your thing, this fiction is definitely well worth your time.


Competitive options, in no particular order (i.e. ongoing fictions that I feel are as good, or better than this one, and that people who enjoy this one will likely also enjoy):

Everybody Loves Large Chests

The Daily Grind

Dante’s Immortality

A Gentleman’s Curse

Brimstone Fantasy

Savage Divinity

Paradigm Shift – New Beginnings



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Seems good but I am afraid.

 For context, I just read the 160 Free available chapters so here is my review.

Spoiler Ahead!

Your story is basically a "westernized" Xianxa story, but you also added a mix of Nordic lore with everything happening in the North.

Let's talk about the good part of The Storm King, like any Xianxa you wanted to make us feel a sense of scale, gigantic plane, with a myriad of kingdom, and millions of planes in an infinite? universe. You also introduced us to the gold old' back sitting Grampa with Xaphan the 80 thousand + years old Demon Lord, but here why this is a good part, you didn't wait 550 chapters like any generic Xianxa to explain us why he was imprisonned here since you gave us the previous Storm king "mini-arc" and also told us what were his objectives even if there were quite basic: wanting to restore his power, going back home.
Another good element of your story, but not completely inspired from Xianxa novel: The kinght Academy, The way you described make me remember about Hogwarts from "Harry Potter" the different branch of the academy alternating between lessons and competing for the best graduation position at the end of the year.
Now for Leon, I am still waiting to make a conclusive opinion, he seems really candid which can be explain since he almost lived all his life in a forest with his father, and you have Xaphan to tell him when he is making a mistake or being manipulated, BUT he need to mature, and cannot be like all other "Genius" MC from any other Xianxa where they get baited by the same trap,(or betrayed) all during the 2000 chapters of their story.

For the Bad part of your story, well like I said before, you are writing a a "westernized" Xianxa and you made all the same "mistakes" than any other Xianxa autor.

The arrogant young master: Gaius and Tiberias are Nobe but that doesn't give them right to feel superior, yes, I know a lot of noble acted like that in real life, but Noble mean "Noblesse oblige" which means they are here to Rule the people, it is their Duty, so instead of making them huge dickhead why not writing them as good rival or just better enemy?
Another flaw for them is why do they hate the MC? For women, they take Elise and Valeria as given, yet you just showed us how the Mc mother Serana and the daughter of the Storm King are Fuckin strong, so in a universe where women are as strong as man, why two little pathetic Young master, sorry noble would take them for objects? (Noting than for Gaius, you just made him better, keeping his calm and trying to think more before acting and willing giving up courting Valeria till he gets stronger).

Since we talk about women, let's talk about the potential MC lover and by the way, this just my opinion here.

Elise, she makes no sense. She just refused any potential male candidate coming from her mother's choice and ran away to her Uncle for 2 years, yet when the MC arrives aha PLOT! Love at first sight, then you try to explain that she liked him because of his identity as fallen noble and his gold card. She comes from the strongest company of the entire PLANE she doesn't need to marry or love him for his status...
In a way I see the same problem coming for Valeria, she doesn't need to fall in love with him, you can kinda try to do the same as "Romeo and Juliet" and do the impossible love, but it will be hard to make it feel real for the reader, and a lot a xianxa author just does the : "Ah, my clan killed your and you killed mine so we are equal so now let's make a lot of babies" sometimes Chinese author are really strange (Hum hum GARBAGE) please don't do that.

To end here, I think that if you respect the Xianxa code (good and bad) your story is a bit predictable. Get revenge for his family, learn the "truth", go to the Higher plane, meet the other side of the family, get completely disgraced by them for being from a lower bloodline/Plane, still save them from the real enemy, then try to accomplish the Storm King Legacy, fight the strongest beings, and finally be the strongest being in the universe, END. (And get a lot useless Waifus during the trip because he takes another one stronger each time).

For now I rate you story 3.5 stars because I like it, but I hope you break the Xianxa code you tried to replicate and surprise us, and if you don't it will not make your storyy bad, it will just make your story a generic Xianxa story with a touch of western style, but if I can read any generic Xianxa story, will I not read story like "Coilling Dragon" or "I Shall Seal The Heaven" instead of your?

Good luck and I hope for the best!

The Irregular
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Great story with phenominal pacing.

The story starts off nice and slow taking its time to build the world its centered around while keeping the user invested in the story. The characters have personality and have been magnificently fleshed out. To my surprise however the character that I would consider the MC has only had a moderate amount of screentime. Something that I feel will be amended in coming chapters based on the latest chapter I have read #29.

The other person who has made a rating was rather harsh if fair with his ratings, however the ratings given are not fair (imo) for royalroad standards as this story is easily above the norm.

Grammer mistakes are rare and I would have to actively be searching for them to have it bother me.

Summary : Great story, splendid pacing. Believable and likeable characters. Slow and smooth, just the way I like it!



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Relative to all fiction this is probably a 2-3 star story.

Relative to most webnovels I read online this is a good 4 star story.

Relative to just royalroad fictions this is a clear 5 star story.

The words I would use to describe this would be "good, solid" and the like. While I wouldn't say this does a lot amazing, unique, or original, it does combine numerous different story elements and ideas to make a vast original world that I'm eager to explore.

Consistant quality and schedule of release as always are big bonuses.

If you enjoy fantasy worlds, magic, kings nobles knights, and a slow burning weak to strong story you should read The Storm King.

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A great story that made me keep clicking on the next chapter button regardless of real life events. It has a solid base and worldbuilding that gives a good foundation for the story, but not so inflexible that the author is trapped. A ton of foreshadowing goes on, but I didn't feel overwhelmed, just excited for where the story will go. I would recommend The Storm King to anyone. 

*updated 20 chapters later at 41 chapters on Royal Road. 

Okay, this is awesome, and I don't use the word lightly. This is only my second time supporting an author on patreon here, and it is worth every dollar. The writing is well done, if maybe a bit simplistic at times, but when you are reading and drawn in to the tale, that doesn't matter. A word of advice, if you havn't read The Storm King yet: READ THE DAMN BOOK, you won't regret it.

*Updated at 129 chapters on RR

Some authors have trouble pivoting away from their initial story arc, but I am confident in saying that so far, The Storm King has had a smooth and natural progression, and has kept up a high level of quality.

*Updated at chapter 258 on Royal Road

Been a Patreon supported since the early days, and I have never once regretted it. I mentioned foreshadowing early on, and it does not disappoint. Top 10 ongoing novel here in my opinion. 

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Well-Paced Western Xianxia

The Storm King is a western style xianxia story whose greatest strength its its pacing.

There have consistently been 3 decent-length scheduled chapters a week for as long as I have reading the story, and a given chapter always moves the plot forward, keeping the story a good pace and making it very satisfying to follow.

The writing style is good, with significant improvement over time, especially with regard to dialogue and fight scenes. The story is well-written, well edited, and clearly planned out, and successes feel earned, though the overarching plot has been slightly predictable. The main characters are well-established and consistent.

To readers concerned about the harem tag, 2000+ pages in, the MC has only been in an signle monogamous relationship, so if a harem is being planned, it is definitely going to be well handled and not rushed.

The most important thing to me is that the the author has and continues to improve. Earlier in the story, I would have given the story a 3 for characters, a 4 for style, and a 3.5 for story, but the author has clearly taken feedback into account and made efforts to grow as a writer, and I really appreciate that.

I would strongly recommend this story.

(Review as of Chapter 260)

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death to the 0.5 sect

 just annoyed a good story is getting 0.5 star bombed.

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The story is well written and enganging and I can't wait for the next chapter

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 I'm really enyoying this story thus far. Keep it up friend.