A note from Anonymous Buttfart

Sorry for the delay!

I died once, already!

A death so miserable that no man ever should go through!

I thought I would save a girl and be a hero!

I died from a wound in anal, that caused severe Haemorrhage and I bled to death on water tap in girls toilet.

Then somehow God came and told me that he had bigger plans for me! That I was a chosen Hero that would save the world.

Now, Again I’m dying, slowly, slowly as the land suck me in.

Even the land hates me now?

I feel like a napkin that young boys use and throw after fapping!
Did I get resurrected to die again?

As I wept down the road while laid on the scorching sun.
I tilted my head a little so that one of my ears was buried completely while other out at the open.

“Humans sure are losing it. Sunbathing in middle of nowhere!”

I lifted my head in anger.
“You really think this is a time to joke...uh?”

It wasn’t my staff’s voice.

“A raccoon?”, I shrieked.

There was a raccoon up close my face!

“Oh damn! This human is still conscious!”, squealed the Raccoon as he created some distance.

He trudged in the bushes to hide, itself.

“What’s the matter, boy? I am trying to contact Lord Yahweh! So please don’t disturb me!”, scolded my magical staff.

“But a talking Racoon! He talks!”, I exclaimed.
I know I was being a jerk but yeah this surprising!

“Huh? Did the heat get to your brains? Stop your fantasy talk! Let me meditate!”, replied the staff.

Of course, I would fantasy talk like chuunibyou, in a fantasy world!
Do you expect Pillow talk?

The raccoon was very alert but did not flee completely. He viewed us from the near bushes.
“This human seems mentally ill. I could rob his food from this retarded human!”, mumbled the raccoon.

He started to approach me gently.

“Hey, you Raccoon! I got no food on me. So back off!”, I exclaimed.

The Raccoon continued to approach and then started to sniff around, carefully.

“Hey get your filthy paws out of me! And who do you think you are calling retarded! You puny Raccoon.”, I roared in displeasure.
I was already labeled as a perv in my world! Now, even this world animals are pissing me off!

The raccoon retracted two steps away.
“Holy shit! Can this guy read my mind? Was it coincidence?”, said the Raccoon.

“Hey, this no coincidence! So get the fuck away from me! Or I shall drag you along to pits of hell! Shoo…”, I tried to shoo away the Raccoon before he does anything funny.

“KYAA! A human that talks!”, startled the Raccoon and fled little further away and hid in the bushes.
Shouldn't I be the one to be surprised?

“HEY! Where’s your apology!”, I asked angrily.

“You can really understand what I say?”, asked the Raccoon that hid amidst the bushes.

“Of course, Every Word.”, I replied.

“For, really real?”, the raccoon asked.

“Yes! For, really real! I can!”, I answered.

“Than tell me what I will say now”

“Alright! Hit me up with your best”, I replied.

“Humans are an Asshole! Humans are an Asshole! Humans are an Asshole! Humans are an Asshole! Humans are an Asshole! Humans are an Asshole! …..”,

“Stop insulting humans otherwise I would really drag you down!”

“Oh, you really can understand what I could say! Marvelous!”, exclaimed the Raccoon.

“Thank goodness! Wait a second… This past few minutes we were really having a conversation! Didn’t we? Stop wasting my time, and help me out! Raccoon!”, I scowled.
I have really done it! Now my left eye has almost sunk beneath the mud dirt.
No soul seemed to pass by who would give me a helping hand!

“Boy? You could understand the Raccoon?”, asked the staff curiously.

“Of course! Are you deaf or what? Don’t tell me past this all time you were asleep in name of meditating, were you?”, I asked sternly.

“Of course not! I wasn’t able to contact Lord Yahweh. The dimension above is still distorted above our head because of the teleportation. It would take more time to settle down then only I would be able to make a clear contact with the Lord.”, said the staff.

“You really are useless!”, I replied.

“But you also have the power to communicate with animals. That’s the reason you could understand that Raccoon.”

“Oh weren’t you saying I was mad before? Anyway, this is another pointless power! Damn!” I muttered as the earth start to suck me in.

“So anyway Mr. could I have something to eat before you die?”, asked the Raccoon as his sticks out his tongue out in hunger, and started to advance again.

“You pest! I would rather be buried alive rather than be eaten by a raccoon!”, I screamed.

“I am no Raccoon! I am a raccoon dog! Why you human can’t distinguish that simple! They are very ugly and dumb, don't lump me with their species!”, replied back the Raccoon.

“Yeah like I give a fuck!”

“Calm down! Boy! And listen close!”, interrupted the magical staff.

“What’s your deal?”, I asked.

“I shall now tell you, how to turn back to normal! So listen closely!”, said the staff.

“So did you contact Lord Yahweh?”, I asked.

“No, I knew already that! I just wanted to reconsider Lord Yahweh’s decision so I was trying to contact beforehand. But I guess I should help you out, first.”, replied the staff.

“WHY YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

A note from Anonymous Buttfart

Next chapter would be posted earlier than before!

Sorry for waiting!

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About the author

Anonymous Buttfart

  • The day I start earning through writing, I will finally find humans dumb enough than me :3

Bio: I didn't fart.

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