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A note from Anonymous Buttfart

Sorry that I uploaded the prologue so late.

I have reached the port, Elderham.

A lively bustling town, and one of the top provider of sea monsters. They make an exquisite delicacy. Well, a perfect place, where the seafood is cheaper and I am so hungry after this long traveling.

“Hey, it would be better that you avoid attraction.”, said Polpo, my staff.

“Well, this city is very busy and populated as well. So I don’t need to wear that crappy hood over the face. By the way that would attract way more attention!”, I exclaimed.

“I don’t get it. What did lord Yahweh see in you? I am the most venerable weapon who has accompanied almost all the former prophet. But you! You are the worst one.”, thundered Polpo.

“Hey now! Drop the Tsundere act will you? Talking staff would attract more attention! We are about to reach the streets.”

“Damn you insolent Brat!”

Hence Polpo returned to an ordinary non-talking staff.

He sounds like a nagging granny, but he is just concerned for my well being. Although, it’s fun to tease him around.

Finally we entered the port town, Elderham and we are on the streets.
The Streets smells like fishes and there is a saltiness in the air. Well, I have dressed like a commoner to mix in with the crowd.

I am wearing a red Shirt with my buttons fly open; shorts with a pair of slippers; and a straw hat. It’s summertime and these are trending fashion. I am a little skinny, but I have an appetite like a horse. I don’t know why I don’t get any fatter.

Well, I have to drop in the Elderham’s cathedral and to meet with the high priest. Being a messenger of God is such a drag!

*Grumble*
My stomach has other plans tho. That old geezer can wait until I relish these town’s food.

I started to stroll around the streets. They were populated. Loads of merchant caravans have crowded the street. Everyone seems very busy.

I stopped an old man, who seemed a very nice guy. Most of the people seemed to not be disturbed.

“Excuse me! Can you tell me a tavern nearby? I am a fellow traveler”, I asked.

“Huh? Isn’t it little early for a drink, son? You better return home to your mama.”, replied the grandpa.

“Well, I am really hungry! So please can you give direction to a nearby tavern or diner place?”, I replied with courtesy.

“Well listen carefully son…”, replied the grandpa, and he signaled me to lower my head by his hand.

I enclosed my ear near his mouth.
It would be a problem if I miss any direction.

He brought his mouth, further closer to my ear. Even his mustache started to tickle my ears but I still endured it.

“Listen, son, outside food is not hygienic. You must eat homemade food, so go back, son.”

Wait, what?

I grabbed the geezer by his collar,

“Listen you old senile! I came from far of land that I can’t even return home back. I came here, just to fix this world in chaos! I traveled almost a 150 km listening to the teachings of another old hag (Polpo). Now I have reached my destination, just to travel another 100 kilometers. So before I work, I want to have a decent food. And now again you are starting to tell me what I should do? GIVE ME A BREAK!! Just hurry up and tell me where I could eat or else I will eat you, instead.”

This old geezer sure knows how to piss me! I really hate nagging old people.

I headed to the tavern after receiving the directions from that old man after my threat.

Suddenly in a frail voice,
“Oi, is that a way to behave to an elderly people?”,squealed Polpo, the staff.

“Now, now don’t start another lecture about manners!”, I replied meekly.

“You don’t even have a demeanor of a common priest and yet you are the prophet! I shall be getting sick soon.”, said Polpo with a sigh.

“Hurry up and die, already. Your nags have eaten half of my lifetime, you know?”

“Hey kid, watch out. There are people staring us. Be on your guard”. said Polpo in a serious tone and kept quiet.

Now after mentioning, some people are gazing us suspiciously. I don’t wanna blow my cover.

Well, I am a wanted person after all. I have a bounty of 90 gold rocks i.e. approx 90,000 gold pebbles.

I entered the tavern which also is densely populated. There were many travelers, mostly mercenary soldiers. I have a bad feeling, but I entered anyway.

I walked towards the bar counter and took a seat.

The atmosphere got a little quieter. The mercenary soldiers started to mumble with each other while staring at me. My back was turned towards them but I still could feel their stares.

More people entered the tavern, who were armed. Probably, they followed me from the streets.

I should have heed Polpo’s advice but it’s too late, now.

“Excuse me! Can I have the Meat stew with diced pork cutlet, an extra large size, along with a drink, pretty please?”, I ordered to the beautiful female bartender.

“Sure.”, she replied.

“Hey, beautiful. Are you going out with someone?”, I asked her.

“Huh? I am very sorry but I am married and have a son as well.”

“Wow? But you look so young?”

“Oh, stop flattering me, it’s embarrassing.”

And so I had a normal conversation just to avoid those gaze. Even the one following me took a table and sat, doing nothing but gaze.

I shall eat my fill than leave the town as soon as possible.
It’s better to avoid any commotion.

“Ah, Here you go sir. Enjoy”, said the bartender and served me.

The special stew consisting of the sea monster meat with pork cutlet blend, with flavoring spices atop. Long I have missed this aroma, of cooking! All I ate during my travel was mushroom and cooked weed. Sometimes rats or goblins, they taste like shit! But Polpo said they were good for health. The cooking recipe from Polpo is totally gross.

I started chowing down on my food.

Then when suddenly, a huge muscled brawn stood up from his table. He is bald and had a beard. He wore a light armor and his abs could be seen, what a show-off. He had huge Axe behind his back, which was mildly chipped. Guess, he battle’s regularly with that giant Axe.

He walked towards me and took a seat beside me, on the counter while continued to stare.

I tried to ignore his gaze and focused on munching down my food.

“Hey, you brat!! Are you the heavyweight champion with 90,000 gold pebbles bounty on your head?”, he asked sternly with an evil grin on his face.

Suddenly, the room became quiet. A number of heads turned their ears, waiting to hear my reply.

I looked him on his face, while my cheeks were still stuffed.

“SShhorri wrung purson!” (Sorry, wrong person) and continued to eat.

His mood suddenly changed. He got pissed because I ignored him.

He lowered his head towards my bowl and spat inside it.

I halted and looked him with my cold, lifeless eyes.

He just spat on my dish? He is trying to pick a fight with me!
But I should avoid any commotion! I shall turn a blind eye.

I gulped down my food stuffed in my mouth and pushed away from the bowl. His spit was still floating on my meat piece, GROSS!

“Excuse me? Can I have another one? And please add the tab for this dish on this Mr. Baldie, beside me, will you?”, I asked politely to the bartender with a gallant smile.

Muscular dude’s eyebrow twitched, and he reached his pocket and removed a pamphlet.
“You sure got a lot of nerve, don’t you? Heavyweight champ of Lokyce.”, said the brawn with even a wider grin than before.

He displayed the pamphlet with my face and the bounty amount inscribed on it. So they even started to circulate my wanted posters. Even the bounty has increased!
People inside the tavern got up from their seats and everyone equipped weapons. They looked me like hungry hyenas, whose about to pounce on a poor frail rabbit (me).

I wiped my mouth clean with the edge of my shirt. I turned towards the bartender. She looks worried for me.

I smiled, at her,
“Damn, I wanted to eat even more…”, before I could continue, the muscle dude picked me by the neck. My feet couldn’t even reach the ground.

“You little twerp, have a lot of nerve. To ignore, the great bounty hunter Grizzley. I can’t believe you are the heavyweight champ, your just a puny peasant. Who cares! Your face matches, just fine! So should I carry you to the bounty office or your head would suffice the needs as well.” said, baldy. Arrogantly.

I reached my hand towards his head, slowly.

“What are you trying to do, twerp?”, asked baldy.

I reached his head and gently patted his bald head.
“Cool down, baldy. Here I shall pat your head, gently. How’s that?”,and continued patting his head.

“How dare you mock me? Now you are SO DEAD!”, said baldy, angrily.

With the other free hand, he reached out for his Axe behind his back.

“Bad move baldy! How about 100kg!!”
The weight of my hand on his head changed approx 100 kilograms. He falls right on his face that almost half of his head submerged on the ground.

He fainted on sight and I stood back up after reverting my hand normally. Gently brush off the dust caught on my shirt.

“Was that a bit overboard? Damn look my paw marks on the baldie hilarious right?”, I said jokingly, but the crowd was not amused at all.

Suddenly, a soldier,”Get him!”

Two soldiers came forward dashing, both armed with a sword.

I quickly lifted my leg backward as if I was kicking a football. With full might released it while about to kick the unconscious baldie, but before the impact, I quickly changed the weight of my leg around 500 kilograms.

The baldie went flying towards the soldiers like a ninja blade and knocked both the soldiers out. He went through the wall and created a massive hole.

All the soldiers got scared and did not attempt to do anything further. Everybody stayed on their toes.

“Sorry for the commotion, missy. Here!”, and I handed a bartender a golden cross,”Give this to the cathedral, and they shall pay for that wall. Thank you for the dinner.”

Took my staff and left the tavern.

I made sure to tore off the poster before leaving, it’s not going to be any help tho.

I feel a lot better after teaching that baldie, a lesson- don’t judge people by looks.
Hope he won’t just pick a fight with people, just because they look meek.

Well, I didn’t eat my fill but was enough for today. I shall buy little more rations for my travel.

I stood on the coast of the sea while viewing the beautiful sea.
There were a lot of fishing boats, ships, crabs, dolphins, even a dead body? Oh, that’s Mr. Baldie from before. I guess he will be alright.

And so started off on my adventure as a prophet.

“Hey, you still need to meet up at the Cathedral!”, said Polpo.

“Oh yeah, I was heading there.”, I replied.

Adventure after sharing my presence as the prophet in the cathedral of Elderham.
What a drag!

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Anonymous Buttfart

  • The day I start earning through writing, I will finally find humans dumb enough than me :3

Bio: I didn't fart.

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