World Gate Online
This story has been dropped due to real life problems but will be rewritten in the future. Porbably the first few months of 2017...if I manage to graduate by the end of 2016...
Thank you and sorry for those who have read until now. Will include future story link here when it's made.
Lucas Lauwers, an ordinary college student submits an entry for the lottery to win the very first virtual gaming device and game on a whim and wins! He played the game for the first time without any information beforehand and joins a party. The party then encounters a boss level monster right of the bat and he was left alone by his teammates, he stumbles upon a hole and was able to get away from the boss monster only to be stuck inside the cave! Not being able to set the town as his resurrection point, the cave was set as default since he had rested there. With nowhere to go, what will Lucas do?
Note: This WN was first posted in Japtem. Note that some Author's Notes may vary between the two sites as I sometimes answer a question from a commentor of the previous chapter and it will be awkward to also say it in the other site as no one will probably understand? well, whatever.
Japtem Version: http://japtem.com/fanfic.php?novel=187
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Hello, this review for World Gate Online has been months in the pending.
My first reaction would be: "It's interesting! It has good plot, nice characters, titillating worlds, etc."
My second reaction would be: "Seriously, how much wish-fulfillment would this guy get?"
Let nobody say that I never enjoyed this story. I did. It's just that as more and more chapters you write, the more and more absurd you get, all to the point where all I can do is just quit it as opposed to getting sick at the all the carnal pleasures you seem to be aiming to go for.
But I digress, let us move to the meat of the review. I'll be borrowing The Group's format for this.
The style of the writer is interesting, or at least up to the third time he used it. It's all basic really: Lucas enters a new world, literally or figuratively, he finds a problem to solve, he solves it, and he gains one or several new members for his harem in exchange plus the fame he gets.
This is not original in any means, but it is indeed interesting. In fact, had the writer remained to keeping it inside a 'game' I would've been all more for it, but considering the fact he had quite blatantly pushed it to serious levels by escaping to the 'real' world...
I mean, seriously, your college? Japan? How much do you really want to be your character could you get?
Let me guess, you have dreams of being like him one day don't you? And taking into account your many supporters... so do they. Sad thing to think how much effort you placed into this story just so you can live out your own fantasies and take along several hundred people for the ride.
World Gate Online. The male's version of Twilight.
How embarrassing to think I had failed to see it until it was too late.
The story is flat. There is no web of intrigue, no conspiracy, no aim or goal of any sort.
All enemies eventually fall under Lucas' hands. Legendary weapons and abilities do the same. Skills that supposedly take lifetimes to learn are mastered in a week. If Lucas falls, the supposedly dangerous "Rage Mode" saves the day!
What kind of story are you writing in that Lucas always succeeds? Or that when he fails nothing bad really happens on the long-term?
Where are the consequences of his actions? Why is he always praised even when there are mistakes?
Let me make the Volume 3 as an example. The whole 'murdered-a-murderer-but-nobody-really-cares' point already takes quite a lot of suspension of disbelief, but being summoned to world and fixing it in less than a year?
Have you no idea as to how real politics work outside of civil backstabbing? Have you no thought as to how age-old hatred isn't banished so easily? Heck, even if the Demon Queen is apparently nice, it doesn't change the horrible deeds that was done in her name as far as the common masses know!
Then we go back to the whole 'Real Life But With Real Magic!' part of the story and its a whole new matter of how harems aren't supposed to work...
Get an editor. And a proof-reader. Several of them.
You know how people say William Shakespeare was rejected by multiple people before he got famous? Well, your work on the other hand won't only be rejected in a publisher's office but would also be used as an example for all the mistakes a person could do in writing.
You are a college student! (Don't even deny it at this point, I know you based Lucas on yourself.)
Have you never written an English essay before? Where are your error-finding skills? Do you not double check what you write before you update?
Goddamnit, ellipses aren't even supposed to be used that way!
Where are your speech tags? Why are your tenses incorrect? Do you have any idea as to how many edits people make before they release their books to the public?
No, let me answer that for you. It's in the dozens.
People make mistakes. That's a hard fact and I'm no exception to that as well. But do you know of that? If the answer is no, you should've noticed that earlier! If the answer is yes, why aren't you fixing them?
Your characters are two dimensional outside of the main character. And Lucas is only an exception because he is quite likely based on how you, the writer, would react if you were in his shoes. I have no surprise about that - such is wish fulfillment, and I have no wish to recite again the flaws of such a standpoint.
And I blame the exponential growth of the cast number in that.
Ideally, a writer with many characters is a good writer because lots and lots of characters mean more and more ways to tell and influence the story. Realistically, on the other hand, says otherwise.
How do you expect to round up any character if you keep adding new ones in?
'Vampire', 'Princess', 'Demon Queen', 'Rich Heiress'.
All of these seem interesting, but in the end they are already well-known stereotypes instead of what they could have been. Outside of that, they're nothing - the moment Lucas entered their life, their life was Lucas.
Let me facepalm on that point for a second...
I'm tired of repeating this, but you really need to get better. Stop adding new characters and focus on what you have.
Let me get this straight - I don't hate you as a writer, nor envy how popular you have gotten. I also do not wish for you to get discouraged by this review; all I wish is for you to get better.
But seriously, you made so many mistakes that I...
I'm tired. I give up. At this point, it's no longer in my hands to care about what you would do with your story - it's been months since I abandoned it already. One could even call me an idiot or a bastard for leaving this kind of review so long after abandoning this story, but right now I'm so apathetic that I won't even care.
It's just that...
I'm the kind of person to hope for the best, even if everything makes me want to tear my hair out.
Your story is flawed, yes, but I can still and would still hope that you could get better.
I may never read this story again, but you still have ongoing readers for you. Ignore me, that's alright, as long as it would mean that you would try to get better after this. Work on your mistakes so you won't lose them like you unknowingly lost me and many other readers. Be the writer that you can truly be.
Keep things interesting for them, alright?
Hey there. Unlike others here i will actually do a review that is based on rather wide standards, where, to be honest, your story falls quite flat. Why do i think so? Well, i am about to explain. Please instead of getting discouraged, or thinking 'he is just writing BS, he is wrong, there is nothing bad in my story', make some use of this review. ;)
Style: Sure pictures are great, but i Really, Really would want to see you actually desribe more. I did read dozen of chapters, but either descriptions were really short, or just weren't there... I am not asking you to overdo it and go to the level of describing for whole pages like some old authors did, but still!
Grammar: I am not native speaker, and i still noticed some mistakes. It's not like they were hard to find, i wasn't even proofreading at the moment, only reading normally. It just feels like you did not bother with proofreading more than once before releasing your chapters. Other than that, it was fine.
Story: Now, the greatest thing that became major dissapointment for me. It's too simple! It's too linear! MC sees, MC decides, MC never is wrong in his assumptions! He blindly believes everything he is told and never seems to be wrong so far (i read up to X'teen'th chapter, then stopped because i was bored)... Sure you created 'plot' from the past, but present events are as simple as construction of a ****, you know? What's more every other character in game seems to be plain stupid, what holds back a lot of nice possibilities, too.
Character: Geez, so much potential here, again. I really enjoyed characters you created, but... You just created them, and then forgot about them. Sure they are part of the story, but only that. We never seem to get to know them well enough to 'be connected' to them as readers. Even though idea of vampire princess is a bit cliche, i still loved it. Only thing... You never paid any proper attention to it...
Overall: 3 stars. Improve! You have potential, as long as you use it.
Just want to start out with giving you props on the overall idea of the story. I have to admit I was hooked by the potential of it all for quite a while and still am, but I wanted to draw your attention to some literary faults that you might could work on. [Current Progress: loading...V3 White Knight]
First, your characterization style is kind of shallow. I was okay with the main character until he didn't change after his first, shall we say, large fight. Everything was new, shiny, and took some getting used to, but after a while, I expected his attitude to adapt a little bit more. Especially once he goes sorta darkside in previously mentioned fight. Instead, I felt like he stagnated and somehow devolved into a typical anime harem hero who's a lucky idiot. No forethought. No planning. No wanting to have anything to do with responsibility. His line of reasoning hurts me as a person and leaves me desperately pleading that he mans up. Your pov switching, action, and plot development balance was top notch though, so take heart, dear writer. Though I agree with koutacchi above in that you should line up POV switches in different scenes, not the same one. It fees redundant to read over the same thing 2-3 times only slightly tweaked.
The art was a bit distracting. Paint me like one of your fre...er, stories, please. I'd rather imagine through your writing in my head, but that's just my opinion. Like all of this is in fact.
Now for your plot progression, it went well at first. After that it seems like it went "stream of consciousness style". I exaggerate of course, I think you're about halfway there. As someone above mentioned: MC sees, MC does, then uhh.. MC gets outrageously lucky. Pretty much the plot right there. Oh, and MC being an idiot with his stats. The pain...150ish points...perhaps you wanted us to agonize over that fuck up of his, you sick person. Anyways, give us depth if you can, but it's your plot. I felt a little potential of the overarching plot, lurking in the background, but I'm slightly worried that it's only minutely revealed itself after 3 volumes.
Overall, I chose to give you 3 stars because there's a lot of room for growth. So, happy writing friend! Looking forward to the rest and everything after!
I've read up to Vol 3 and am starting to get disinterested. There's no sense of character balance when a character shoots up 120 levels in less than a few weeks, is able to learn every single skill from every single class in the game and gets rewarded with frankly OP stat points, gear or items that make every other character look like a joke. I thought it was going to be interesting from the synopsis but it quickly became unbelievable to read when a lvl1 char even with slightly extra stats is able to beat level 31 mobs, than beat level 60 mobs, a lvl 120 elite and then a controlled lvl 300 boss mob (even though he didn't have to beat him, he still didn't get one shot from the dragon). Even if your luck is high, there is no way a lvl 120 guy is going to survive an emcounter like that. The rewards from all those encounters in the initial dungeon are ridiculously OP. The initial part of the story should be titled: Slightly difficult OP ascension with the later story being called: Everything is EZ Mode, no struggle necessary.
Was really looking forward to a story that had a char going through realistic challenges to become truly strong. The way this guy did it is just too unbelievable and to me just too cheap. A lvl 1 with maybe 10 extra lvls worth of added stats beating a lvl 30+ mob with a beginner weapon? Let's be real, not gonna happen.
(Review of Volume 1+ 2)
It is an interesting read with a lot of potential, but filled with issues.
The story and concepts are very well done and have a lot of potential, but the execution is very lacking. Some moments and scenes are quite engaging, but the majority of it just seems very stale to read. Furthermore, the interludes from other POVs rehash a bit too much of the same scene, making it a bit boring to read. The characters have potential, but don't interact very naturally. This, coupled with the way the main character acts in some scenes makes me cringe sometimes. Some of the actions he takes are very badly thought out, like showing the cell-phone, exposing himself to be the 'white haired adventurer' in real life when he could have taken a few seconds to duck away and transform, and other such moments. There is also a lot more telling than showing.
Additionally, he gains levels and skills waaaaay too quickly. He grinded three skills to max level in about a week, got ridiculous stats from exercising for two hours (this could be explained by the training room bug, but he obtains stats just a quickly in other scenes as well during the game).
The grammar is actually better than alot of the stories written on the site, but your use of tenses is constant and terrible. You switch from present to past tense every other sentence. The pacing could be improved upon as well, with more line breaks or something to denote a change in scene.
TLDR: An interesting read, but could just be so much better with a rewrite.
Other reviews have shown my opinion already, except this one thing. The MC is way too strong. The game is way too easy for him. He could kill monsters leagues above him, he has patience at times which does not fit his personality, he earns way too much exp for killing monsters(he earns levels upon levels for killing the bats in volume 1), everyone else in the world are way too stupid compared to him, (you saying he is the only one who knew the exploit in the tutorial?) It’s boring to read a story when the MC gets everything handed to him on a silver platter.
Also, some information seem to contradict. Like the pure blooded vampires, supposedly being 15,000 years old and are able to cast epic spells, but still unable to defeat a crypt owl, when all it took was a few days ingame for the MC to be able to beat them the fuck up. Look, I mean, MC could defeat a monster 30 lvls over him, but his two friend could not even defeat a monster 2 lvls over them, say WHAT!? Then suddenly, a crudely made plan with many flaws give them the ability to deal 100000 dps (jk, but close, they dealt 60% damage in two slashes and a few rocks)
Okay, I’m going to start by saying that this is a great story. If I was just giving a normal review I would give it 5 stars. But since I like it so much, I decided to do an actual constructive review…
Your style of writing is generally very easy to follow, and you avoid breaking immersion by making your transitions to other POV as simple as possible. Some of the text from alternate POVs felt redundant though, and slowed the pace of the story down since it required reading what happened two or more times from the beginning. Sitting through the buildup again after experiencing the climax once makes it feel a little hollow. This can be fixed by interspersing the alternate POV as the story moves along, rather than as one big chunk that first comes after the main climax.
There are actually several of you POV changes changes that could probably be related without having to make a switch at all. Simply say that this is what that character is thinking at the time. The main need for a POV change is when something happens or is being considered somewhere the MC is not present, at it should be done at the time it happens, not as a do-over that has been added to something we already read.
There is also a little bit of an issue with how your characters personalities are built up, with characters accepting things a little too quickly. Not to say it’s bad as it is, but you might want to spend a little more time exploring the inner turmoil of the different characters and have it span more than just a paragraph or two. Especially during the school burning, there were a lot of thoughts swirling around that could have added to express the total chaos that was happening.
The story is great. The plot line keeps things moving in interesting directions that avoids the trap most VR stories fall into that it’s all about the eternal grind (whether in real life or the virtual world). You have an overarching story, multiple sub-plots and characters that become more meaningful as the story progresses, not because you like to recycle, not just because the MC knows them somehow, but because they actually matter to the story, and you’re good about giving the proper screen time to each based on their importance. You’re also good at letting the story go where the characters take it rather than being too fixed on how you want the story to go (like with the dragon… even if that part should maybe have been reigned in a bit, it did advance many other parts of the story). A good balance is needed here, so try to think of how a progression you write will affect the story down the line so that you can rewrite it if necessary before it becomes too late.
There is one thing I have to mention though. The king contract being made 100000 years ago make 0 sense. 10000 is still marginally believable when you started with that, but the number of generations they would have gone through is already uncountable. The oldest text we can find today isn’t more than 4500 years old. Even the dead sea scrolls only barely survived from somewhere around 2300 years ago. And that’s the written word. When it comes to government, they get overthrown all the time. For me to believe the timeline, 2000 years would be about the limit for believability on my part, and I would feel much more comfortable with 1000 years which gives plenty of time for hundreds of generations and everything that happened in between.
Nothing really to complain about here. I’m not writing this review after going over every chapter, so if I noticed any grammar issues, I don’t remember them.
Here’s were there are unfortunately some problems that I could not overlook. The way you have portrayed characters and their reactions in several situations makes me wonder what world the charter is starting in. Everyone is way too casual about certain things, and far too excited about others. For example, the mother does an about-face in minutes flat just because of circumstance when she finds out her son can do magic and decides to kill a guy, bad though he is. It’s fine that part of it is because of Freya (OK most), but that probably wouldn’t have been the end of things. She would have gone home with a head full of things she couldn’t figure out, like how her son suddenly became a super-strong mage, game things were happening in real life, she just met an actual vampire, and several kids in the school her son goes to have been killed by a crazy guy who set fire to everything. It would have been nice to read even a little of what was going through her mind when everything went down, and in the days and weeks to follow. Along with the worldwide reactions, this might have taken a chapter or two even before the summoning and time freeze.
You have to make reactions realistic as well. For example, if someone in another country heard there had been a mage somewhere throwing fireballs around, their first reaction would not be ‘That sounds legit’. They would either be curious and look for more information to see what was going on, or dismiss it as the media hyping up a crazy guy with a flamethrower, and that’s all if the media ran the story at all. People would also not go, ‘oh, hey, so you can become your game character in real life, that’s cool, but we’re mostly still hurt you didn’t tell us you were playing’. I would think the game character switch in real life would be the more pressing issue there, and also a quite credible reason for not telling anyone he was playing.
Of course, this all assumes a world much like our own, which is how you’ve built it up so far. If people are far more accepting of things like this happening, please write why that is; what else has happened in the world that makes students turning into magi not an earth-shattering event that would make everyone question their own existence.
On the good side, you have made your characters very likable. I will enjoy reading about them for as long as you keep writing this great story.
It starts out great with interesting idea of merging two genre.
However I find the more I read, the more I find my enthusiasm to follow this ff waning.
There’s time when the light-humour the author put killed the mood or the MC’s attempt to appear…different is rather off.
What irked me is how the author skip a crucial battle and sum it up as recount/retelling
I really do hope the author will have more patience to write out the detail and craft the story that immerse the reader.
The growth rate of the MC need to be monitored, he is growing so fast and is getting more and more OP.
I wish for this ff to gte better as it has a lot of potential.
Interesting idea, bad writing and plot. It doesn't make me want to wonder what will happen next, and everything, be it the growth of the storyline and the characters themselves, seems to be moved along at the whims of the author rather than feeling natural as a part of the story.
Won't say anymore since author apparently flags negative comments in his story
I started reading this on Japtem and at first I really loved the story but if I had read these reviews first I would have never started reading it. I have read up to volume six and am actually surprised I managed to stick with it so long. I have always hated harems and this one is one of the worst. I can't even remember which girl is which and why I should care anymore.
I don't mind a little wish fulfillment but this just becomes ridiculous and gets worse and worse as the story goes along. Really the only part that I couldn't stop reading and that had me on the edge of my seat, was the part where he was in Pern. The story had interesting characters a sensible plotline. It didn't feel rushed or forced. He was op without being in your face. It gave me that feeling of Awe that I like. It gave me goosbumps. I just can't say enough about that section of the story. It was just what I wanted the rest of the story to be. Now there isn't even any mention of that world or when it will become one of the worlds they can go to. Maybe it was so good cause the characters where already built up by someone else. But you weaved Lucus in so well. I wanted the story to be like that the whole way through instead of the mess it is now.
I can't even remember what is going on anymore. It's hard to keep track cause too much happens and there are so many characters that I just can't focus on them anymore. You don't even seem to listen when people are asking you to quit introducing new characters and concentrate on building the ones you have. For a harem that is actually decent give a read to Mushoku Tensei(might be mispelled, sorry). It is one of the few harems I can actually stand. The girls, there are only three by the way, all have distinct personalities and looks and it is easy to know who is who. It shows clearly how and why they fell in love with the MC, it wasn't just because he was the MC.
I hate quitting when I have stuck with it for so long but I just can't follow it anymore and it has become tedious and boring. I hope that one day you will either completely overhaul this or just write a new story. You need to take the time to write out each character and deeply know their strengths and weaknesses and share that as they interact in the story. Don't just throw everything at the MC. People want to see the MC struggle a little. It is so much more satisfying when a MC triumphs over many struggles and misfortunes before finally emerging as a hero. Instead of writing only what you wish would happen to you, write what you would want to read. Read your story as if you were a stranger and look at it objectively.
I think you have a lot of potential as a writer so try to narrow your focus and really think about how to make your story a living breathing world instead of just wish fullfillment.