The Greensdale Project

The Greensdale Project

by Mopps

Warning This fiction contains:
  • Profanity

Bone-breaking training, blood-curdling workouts, and no time for the ladies. This was the hell Chase endured for the last few years after his little brother Andre died tragically. Training, that was his life to compensate for his averageness. But when reality hits him like a truck he finally understands that no matter what he will not be powerful enough to equate to the Heroes that guard us.

Taking the first step in applying to the Greensdale Project in Arizona to become a Super, but as he learns that superpowers don't make the Super he has to use his wit, strength, and will to push through outside forces and inside ones to enter and graduate from the Greensdale Academy for Supers in Arizona.

If he survives that is.

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Mopps

Mopps

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drakan_glasses BE NICE! Fair critique is fair, but be respectful & follow the review rules. There will be no mercy.
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l nimbus
Overall
Style
Story
Grammar
Character

A good story weighed down by it's grammar.

So, the Greensdale project. Yes, it has it's flaws. Yes, the author could do an editing, scratch that, a strafing run through. Yes, it's not for everybody. But it's still a good, solid story. 

 

If you don't mind bad grammar, it's got a lot of good qualities. 

 

What i say here, i do not say in malice, but to hopefully help you improve on your art. 

 

Style: 

Now, this could use some work. While the overal structure of the story is good, i've noticed that sometimes, you make it a little too flamboyant. Not in overall themes, but with the wording. 

For instance, words like "walking", "Striding" and "Pacing" are far better fitted for ordinary, everyday descriptions than "Strutting". 

This is just some freindly adivice, and, in the end, it's your story. 

The Style gets the job done, but at times, can be a little frustrating. 

 

Story:

Now, this is TGP's strongest aspect. it's Plot. It, like some others, focuses on the charcater going from Zero to Hero, at least in my interpretation. But the matter in which it is handled is actually better than many others. 

 

Things actually make sense here, with the government regulating but not oppressing and training people with potential. No spoilers, but it's been good os far. 

 

Grammar:

The Greensdale Project's weakest link is actually it's Grammaar. I won't lie, it made the otherwse good story difficult to read. Like i said above, swapped out words throw off sentance structure and the feeling in a scene, and wanky commas and run-on sentances only add to this effect. 

My suggestion? Run the story through free, online services like JSspell or Grammarly before putting up the chapters. it helps. I know because i use them, in addition to a proofreader. 

 

Characters:

Another good point in TGP's case is the solid cast. The MC's emotions and motivations feel REAL, not like many others here on RRL who do things like "Get bored and decide to conquer the universe." The side characters, while good, could use a bit of work, but that just might be the standards i've set for myself. 

The caharcter progression feels natural given the setting, and all in all, it's good. not GREAT, but still good. 

 

Conclusion:

The Greensdale project is a solid read, one hampered by bad grammar. Preserve a little, though, as the author is actively going through and cleaning up earlier chapters. 

With a little patience, this could become a really good read on RRL. 

Cheers, L. 

 

God_is_Good
Overall
Style
Story
Grammar
Character

This story could change the world

This story really does get better the more you go on.  The writing is surprisingly good quality, with well-written details and a really, really well set up setting.  Best of all is the main character.  I was pleasantly surprised to find that he made sense.  His life, his desires, his ambitions, and his flaws- they all fell into place perfectly.  I know some people said that they didn't think his motivation was enough, and although I see their point, I actually disagree. I think a tragic incident such as the one mentioned would make me want to do anything to make sure that it didn't happen again, and if that required being a super, while for crying out loud, I sure would be willing to go through any number of torture to protect my brother.  I love both of my brothers enough to die for them, and I think it's really amazing how you set up that Chase does too.

Chase, as a character, is someone that I could root for forever.  The moment he pranced on to the stage and said he wanted to be a super, I knew he was different.  And as his backstory fell perfectly into place, I didn't once pity him.  Instead, I felt great admiration as he stepped up to face his fears and do what he believed was right.  Chase at his core has a deep desire to be a hero, to be admired, and he can be kind of proud.  But he's flawed as well, as we see when he gets into a big fight with someone at the Academy.  He says, "Maybe the monster was me all along."  

The story as well is really gripping, each chapter making my heart beat faster and faster and making me cry multiple times.  It's the story of one boy's fight to be something more, regardless of obvious consequences and both emotional and extreme physical pain.  It's really exciting, really gripping, and really touching as well.  It hit me in a very personal way.  If the rest of the story is anything as good as the first chapters, than this story could very well change the world.

Movenpick
Overall
Style
Story
Grammar
Character

The Greensdale Project - An Unpolished Gem

I've always loved stories about super powers and the fight between equally endowed forces of justice and evil, no matter how cliche the storyline may seem to be. Thus, I feel that "The Greensdale Project" actually has a pretty interesting storyline about how a boy is willing to go through all costs to become a Super, people with special powers.

In terms of action scenes and description of the processes that participants of the Greensdale Project had to undergo, I think the author has done a decent job in bringing his story to life, aiding us in visualising the scenes as clearly as possible.

Okay, now onto the areas for improvement. First and foremost, as many readers have pointed out, grammar. Grammar can be really appalling at times, especially if I read every word carefully. To the author, I suggest reviewing the chapters you've posted once in a while, to double-check on any grammatical and perspective (1st person POV vs 3rd person) mistakes. Using Microsoft Word can help a little sometimes.

Apart from grammar, there are some clever attempts to use wordplay to garner our attention. However, I've noted that there are some possible mistakes in some of them.

Spoiler: Spoiler

 The most significant issue in my opinion with this story is the backstory behind the main protagonist's desire to become a Super, which I've explained under my comment in the relevant chapter. Just to sum up, a really good reason to desire super powers is when super powers are perceived as the only way to achieve the main protagonist's dream/objective. It is therefore of paramount importance to shape this dream/objective accordingly such that it truly explains the need for super powers. As of now, the backstory given does not really give me such an impression.

Nonetheless, as mentioned in my title, I think this story has a lot of potential and room to grow, so please carry on writing and keep up the good work!

 

theyank
Overall
Style
Story
Grammar
Character

As requested, this review is of the first chapter only (the rewrite). Reviewing this to traditional novel standards, the prose and grammar really drags this down to about a 2.5-3, but because this is RRL and I understand most people are not that great at grammar, I'm going to overlook that aspect. If I only take into account the story and characters, I think it's deserving of a 4.
Style: 4/5
Had no issues with the style. A lot of it is crippled by the grammar, but that can easily be fixed. The author has much room for improvement in terms of prose, but it does its job just fine at the moment.
Grammar: 2/5
As mentioned by many other users, the grammar leaves a lot to be desired. The tense is inconsistent (switches between past and present) and there are a lot of places where commas should be added. The flow of the writing can be improved overall by adding commas where they are required and breaking parts up into smaller sentences.
Story: 4.5/5
From what was revealed so far, the story has drawn my interest. I'm interested in finding out more about Chase's adventures, about the Supers, about the masked man in general. It's not anything ground-breaking, but I think the author has done a good job hooking in the audience with their first chapter.
Character: 4/5
Chase has a decent back-story that explains his motivations, and I look forward to seeing how he will grow and develop as a character.
Conclusion:
With some improvement to the prose and grammar, this could become a really good story. As it is now, the poor grammar is a bit distracting and really the only thing holding this back. However, this can be easily fixed. If the author continues to work on improving, I expect to see great things from them in future.

Talonos
Overall
Style
Story
Grammar
Character

Good prose burdened by structure & grammar issues

(Reviewed at 20k words: Up to the end of chapter 11)

The central conceit of Greensdale project is that there exists a government facility in which children are tortured to elicit their latent superpowers. It's an interesting concept that one could build a good narrative around, and this fiction gives it a decent shot.

The main problem with the plot is that this horrifying premise is mixed with a slice-of-life school drama involving flirting with girls and fighting against bullies. Characters go from being tortured to their breaking point in dark rooms to eating lunch in a high-school like cafeteria sharing gossip with little evidence of emotional trauma. It's enough to give a reader mental whiplash; the whole thing seems incongruous and feels unrealistic. Fixing this sort of issue would require a major plot restructuring, and not the surface level edit others are suggestting. For instance, if the school drama and brutal torture narratives were seperated, it would make for believable and exciting reading. Perhaps the characters could learn about superpowers with the threat of impending torture on the horizon, or they could be trying to reintegrate into an academic setting after having been completely broken emotionally, dealing with flashbacks and such.

Despite structural flaws, the prose is solid. Descriptions are just right; neither sparse nor overembellished. Verb tense is consistent. Point of view is solid, without characters knowing or observing things they couldn't. There is no head hopping. The author has solid foundational skills to build from.

The characters have room to develop: while not flat, they have yet to showcase their full personalities. The main character is a delightful subversion of the typical power fantasy. Superpowers are gained from "breaking" under the torture, but the main character is so remarkably stoic that he doesn't break, preventing him from gaining superpowers. Thus, the character fails to become awesome because he's just too awesome, which is a great way of providing a self-insert power fantasy without making the character overpowered. This seems healthy for the genre, and will doubtlessly lead to interesting character development.

The worldbuilding is hit and miss. Some aspects are wonderful; the "classification" of different superpowers into quantifiable categories hints at a deep, Sanderson-style hard-magic system; I hope the author does not disappoint us! On the other hand, the thought of parents dropping their children off to be brutally tortured as though it were some sort of summer camp makes it difficult to suspend disbelief.

Finally, and this is truly sad, but the fiction suffers from many small grammatical errors. Spelling is better, but the author sometimes struggles with homophones. That, combined with comma splices, can make the fiction difficult to read sometimes; I had to reread some sections several times before I understood what the author was trying to say.

All in all, the author shows real promise. This might not end up being his "breakout fiction" due to the structural issues, but there's enough here to reveal a talented author finding his footing in a challenging medium. A surface level grammatical pass could easily bump this to four stars. (Let me know if this happens so I can update this review.)

I'll be rooting for him as he continues to write and improve.

Iluvbloodandcookies
Overall
Style
Story
Grammar
Character

I actually like where the story is heading! I'm Only on the first few chapters but the story is drawing me in. I will def. Continue to read. I'm not worried about grammer because mine is probably not any better. 

(๑˃̵ᴗ˂̵)و  Keep up the work, Don't let haters get you down.

alittlereinvention
Overall
Style
Story
Grammar
Character

-I like your writing style it doesn’t sound so proper it’s relaxed and it makes it easier to get immersed

-The overall plot is great it has a lot of potential in terms of development the idea is pretty original too

-grammer needs some work

-I like what you have done with the characters I like their conflicting personalities and how you make them real

-great use of puns