The Mad One

by Nefarious

Original COMPLETED Action Adventure Fantasy Psychological Anti-Hero Lead Grimdark LitRPG Magic Male Lead Strategy Strong Lead Supernatural
Warning This fiction contains:
  • Gore
  • Profanity
  • Traumatising content

One day Humanity ruled the World. 

The next day they were gone.

The system is put into play to help Humanity cope with their new, cruel reality. Some will walk their paths, continuously progressing. Others will end their paths, a dead-end. And a few, very few people will fall off their paths, finding nothing but cold water to drown themselves in.

Updated on Modays, Wednesdays, Fridays and Sundays.


 

  • Overall Score
  • Style Score
  • Story Score
  • Character Score
  • Grammar Score
  • Total Views :
  • 655,983
  • Average Views :
  • 4,719
  • Followers :
  • 1,146
  • Favorites :
  • 227
  • Ratings :
  • 266
  • Pages :
  • 852
Advertisement
Remove
Go to Table of Contents
Rate it
Report
Advertisement
Remove
Author
Nefarious

Nefarious

Achievements
1st Anniversary
Great Commenter (IV)
Fledgling Reviewer (I)
Good Review (III)
Word Smith (VI)
Toplist #2000
I Am Flying (VII)
Village Head (V)
Advertisement
Remove
Table of Contents
Chapter Name Release Date
Prologue: Another Planet ago
(1) 1: The Start ago
(1) 2: Dirty Slate ago
(1) 3: Hope ago
(1) 4: Team ago
(1) 5: Lopped Head ago
(1) 6: Final Trial ago
(1) 7: End of Trials ago
(2) 8: Earth? ago
(2) 9: Battle ago
(2) 10: The Camp ago
(2) 11: Forest ago
(2) 12: Dangerous Game ago
(2) 13: Stolen Good ago
(2) 14: Willpower ago
(2) 15: Second Battle ago
(2) 16: Temple ago
(2) 17: Traits ago
(2) 18: A Week ago
(2) 19: Patrol ago
(2) 20: Hard Battle ago
(2) 21: Camp Unrest ago
(2) 22: Suspicions ago
(2) 23: Against the Strongest ago
(2) 24: The Raid Begins ago
(2) 25: Unpleasant Encounter ago
(2) 26: Boss Fight ago
(2) 27: Teleporter ago
(2) 28: Finale ago
(3) 29: Journey ago
(3) 30: Information ago
(3) 31: Yona Village ago
(3) 32: New Classer ago
(3) 33: Suspicions ago
(3) 34: Tunnel ago
(3) 35: Classer ago
(3) 36: Tier-Two ago
(3) 37: Fight to the Death ago
(3) 38: Bad Times ago
(3) 39: Good Times? ago
(3) 40: The Best of Times ago
(3) 41: Chase ago
(3) 42: Sunshine ago
(4) 43: New Friends? ago
(4) 44: A New Life ago
(4) 45: A different type of Instructor ago
(4) 46: Training ago
(4) 47: Another Village ago
Patreon ago
(4) 48: Ice Crystal ago
(5) 49: A New Beginning ago
(5) 50: Opening Channels ago
(5) 51: Class ago
Input needed for Improvement ago
(5) 52: A New Journey ago
Book Suggestions ago
(5) 53: Chatter ago
(5) 54: New Lands ago
(5) 55: Leader ago
Changes to schedule ago
(5) 56: Jaguar ago
(5) 57: Conflict ago
(5) 58: A Rotten Deal ago
(5) 59: A Slow Start ago
(5) 60: Mana Circulation ago
(5) 61: Raid Start ago
(5) 62: Boss Fight ago
(5) 63: The End? ago
(5) 64: Agreement Set? ago
(5) 65: Rewards ago
A Path and An Inn ago
(5) 66: Time to Return ago
(6) 67: You and What Army? ago
(6) 68: Old Friends and New Enemies ago
(66) 69: The Devil's Number ago
(6) 70: Blacksmithing ago
(6) 71: Forging and An Old Friend ago
(6) 72: Discovery ago
(6) 73: Departure ago
(6) 74: Monster. ago
(6) 75: Rashkars ago
(6) 76: Forging Legends ago
(6) 77: A Proposition ago
(6) 78: A Sword of Lightning ago
(6) 79: Twist and Turns ago
(6) 80: All things come to an end ago
(7) 81: A New Beginning ago
(7) 82: A Messy Trio ago
(7) 83: The Test ago
(7) 84: A Natural-born Examinee ago
(7) 85: Tier Four ago
(7) 86: Strange People: both old and new. ago
(7) 87: Happy Easter! ago
(7) 88: Happy Easter Monday! ago
(7) 89: The Ten Strongest ago
(7) 90: New Team, Old Game ago
(7) 91: Nude Horrors ago
(7) 92: No Longer Naked ago
(7) 93: Clothes do Make the Man ago
(7) 94: Brutal ago
(7) 95: Controlled Torture ago
(7) 96: Death ago
(7) 97: Grim Life ago
(7) 98: Undead ago
(7) 99: Havoc ago
(7) 100: Second Death ago
(7) 101: Fantasy ago
(8) 102: Back to Earth ago
(8) 103: Talk the Talk ago
(8) 104: Back in Black ago
(8) 105: Watcher ago
(8) 106: Forges ago
(8) 107: Friends. ago
(8) 108: Loose Ends. ago
(8) 109: Titles are hard to think up. ago
(8) 110: Haven. ago
(8) 111: Pete... ago
(8) 112: Not a Haven. ago
(8) 113: Silvermoon ago
(8) 114: Untitled ago
(8) 115: Geared up ago
(8) 116: The Start of the End ago
(8) 117: A Wolf among Sheep ago
(8) 118: Close. ago
(8) 119: Untitled ago
(8) 120: Return ago
(8) 121: Meeting ago
(8) 122: Fools and Kings ago
(8) 123: Plan ago
(8) 124: Return ago
(8) 125: Hidden ago
(8) 126: Power ago
(8) 127: Confrontation ago
(8) 128: Forceful ago
(8) 129: Twist ago
(8) 130: Parting ago
(8) 131: Build-up ago
(8) 132: Crescendo ago
(8) 133: End ago
Reviews

Leave a review

TheAgeOfTheYak
  • Overall Score
  • Style Score
  • Story Score
  • Grammar Score
  • Character Score

Good ideas but lacklustre implementation. Readable

 

This is a review that mostly focuses on brutal honesty and trying to help the author. I'm not trying to demolish anyone.
Also, I was only asked to have a look at the first few chapters. I did not rate what came after that.

For me, half a star equals a quality so poor that I can't bear to finish reading a chapter. A story I give five stars (hasn't happened so far) would be something I'd put in print exactly the way I found it. My rating for an average story is, therefore, 2.5. Keep in mind that most scores I hand out are below that.

 

 

 

 

General observations:

 

  • I've read your first four to five chapters in detail. I've finished the rest of the first arc as well, though I have to admit that I've only scanned the last chapter.

     

  • First things first – you are too wordy! Your narrating voice should be as precise and short as possible though you shouldn't confuse that with clinical or barren.
    Example:
    (bad) […] which he said in a way that made it obvious how annoyed he was.
    (better) […], he said, annoyed.
    (best) […], he grumbled, irritated.
    As you can see, it's almost always preferable to fish for the best verb possible. Use adjectives sparingly and try to avoid adverbs as much as possible. They are the enemy!

  • Punctuation marks: You should aim to have variety with your punctuation. As far as I could tell, you almost never make use of semicolons, hyphens (emdash), or brackets. Especially the emdash is a wondrous and mighty tool you should consider employing; it can substitute commas, brackets – even periods. It also serves to loosen up your writing. Don't overdo it though! One dash per sentence is more than enough.

     

  • Italics: Don't overuse them either, especially not in one paragraph. Generally speaking, everything except commas and full stops are like spices – too many ruin the dish. I get that you were trying to highlight how important it was to your character that there was something off with the ground, but we got the picture the first time around.

     

  • Leather Armour: This is a relatively small issue that practically nobody is aware of, but leather armour wasn't really a popular thing. Why? It's heavy, difficult to repair, inflexible, and offers no advantages over cloth armour. Yes, cloth. A gambeson (google it) has a lot of stopping power. Good quality gambeson can actually stop arrows from most bows at most distances. They are a decent defensive tool against striking and piercing weapons, though cutting works relatively well against it. ALL fighters of medieval Europe wore gambeson or something similar. Romans, too.

    One step above that is mail (what most people refer to as chain mail). Mail isn't particularly heavy, you won't realise you're wearing it (if worn correctly with a belt), and it will protect you adequately against practically everything. You always wear mail over cloth. (Again, Romans wore it, too.)

    Plate armour isn't nearly as heavy as most imagine it to be, and decent plate armour in the style of the late 16th century of Italian or German manufacturers was virtually impossible to penetrate by any means possible. Not without reason, real knights tried to bash in the helmets of their opponents to impede their vision, going in for the kill with daggers to stab between the joints or helmet.

    What most people are further not aware of is that wooden armour can be extremely effective against bladed weapons. Bamboo mail, for example, can literally bounce striking weapons, even blades. Not joking.

    This was just a little excursus on armour.

     

Story related questions/ remarks:

 

  • Why couldn't Stanis bring himself to confront the horned calf? At that point, he should be fairly dedicated to survival, especially seeing as he'd killed a few already. Considering it's clearly showing aggression towards him, I find this slightly unbelievable. He might be wondering how to best go about it all, but that's something different.

    Nobody likes indecisive protagonists.

     

  • Why is one calf the 'partner' of the horned one? It's a member of the same species but you imply another relation. Then again, how would Stanis be able to tell?

     

  • There's still a few billion people left after the third test, right? Don't you think it's unlikely that only one person thought of using a distraction? Given that there's not exactly much around to distract with, using the corpse seems extremely obvious – even as an improvised weapon.
    I think you should edit the part where the voice credits Stanis' effort to reflect that he was merely one of the few who thought about that.

    Also, just a thought: There are millions of people who've lived with war their entire life. Think about the dozens of African civil wars you don't regularly hear about. Those people are bound to be jaded to some extent.

     

  • I don't like the pick of axes as a weapon. If you want to have your protagonist use them, that's totally fine, but you need a real reason for that. Because, contrary to what you say, axes offer virtually no benefit over swords – none!

    They have less reach, less stopping power, the balance is worse, they have no guard, and your attack pattern is severely limited in comparison to a sword.

    Also, if you're of the opinion that fighting with an axe is easy, you're wrong. Since axes are suboptimal weapons, to begin with, it's actually a lot harder to fight with an axe than with a sword. At least if you aim to survive your fight.

    The newbie friendliest weapon you listed was actually the spear. The spear is a supremely simple weapon that's been a favourite of humanity for a reason: it's safe (long reach), has a lot of stopping power (depends on the tip, of course), can slash and pierce, has excellent handling due to leverage, and offers great defence by means of deflection.

    If you want him to handle an axe, how about writing one(!) line that mentions he feels more comfortable because he's handled axes as a tool in the past.

     

  • If a chimpanzee of human height charged a person, no axe strike in the world could make him stop. Inertia is the enemy of all slashing weapons.

    Secondly, all apes – especially gargantuan chimpanzees – are a lot stronger than humans. Grappling with them is a death sentence. Also, read up on chimpanzees. They're the meanest of all the apes. They have wicked teeth, and even the real (smaller) ones can (and will) bite off several fingers at once. Chimpanzees eat meat, you know.

 

Orthography:

 

As a whole, your orthography is decent. You make a few systematic mistakes, and I'll point out the few I took note of.

 

  • Capitalisation

    You make a few mistakes, especially at the beginning, setting some words in upper case (invasion, hell). I rather think they were slips of the pen though.

     

  • Comma placement

    Here you make several systematic errors.

    1. Comma after/before yes and no. ('Yes I can understand you.' → 'Yes, I can [...])

    2. Commas around titles, addresses etc. ('Hello friends' → 'Hello, friends'

    3. Comma after phrases of introduction. ('Once again Luca won' → 'Once again, Luca won.' Markers you should watch out for include but are not limited to 'Once again,' 'Yesterday,' or even phrases like 'And just as I finished my bottle of Dr Pepper,'

     

  • Miscellaneous

    1. Spoke is a bad dialogue marker.

    Generally, I advise you to use 'say' and 'ask' as much as possible. They are usually invisible to the reader, meaning you just read over them. If you want to highlight something, use stronger verbs like 'growl', 'snap', 'spit', 'hiss', 'whine' etc.

2. Sentence structure

'I can understand you as well, my name is […]'.

That's two sentences. Use a full stop here.

3. Dialogue over one paragraph

If your character's speech goes over one paragraph, it's common convention to begin each paragraph with a quotation mark, but to close them only once – namely when the speech is finished.

 

Language:

 

  • The (invisible) narrator's voice should have a certain standard. Don't use phrases like 'to the t' when making use of him. Even things like 'ready for bed' are bordering too casual. The narrator needs to be clear and crisp. Everyday language doesn't belong there. Make your characters speak like that instead.

     

  • Don't dramatise every bit of the narrative. Again, you're too wordy. If everything is epic, nothing's epic instead. If Stanis even wakes up to the 'raging stampede of his heart' or some such thing, how will you ever achieve some kind effect when you really need it? The tension is too high!

     

  • Don't break the perspective. 'So what was he standing on?' is a direct question. As such, it requires a subject and addressee. Generally, don't try to personalise your narrator, and I'd also heavily advise against addressing your readers. Don't do it!

    Instead, have your character think it or rephrase it.

    Either: 'he was wondering what he was standing on' or 'it would have been anyone's guess what he was standing on' (The last one might be too casual; you need to figure it out yourself.)

     

  • At some point, you wrote 'the tension went down'. Wonky! Use abated instead.

     

  • I don't like your status explanations. They're too wordy and not formal enough. 'Average for your species is currently' is such a mouth full. Break it down to the least amount needed like 'Intelligence – logical processing power'. The wording of your description of wisdom also strikes me as...vague.

     

  • 'Quite a normal worry' = 'A normal worry'. Sharpen your words! They need to cut sharply, not bludgeon me to death.

     

  • 'Wooden shelves filled with weapons formed out of nothing'. Unfortunate sentence structure. Could mean both [wooden shelves filled with weapons] formed out of nothing // [wooden shelves] [filled with weapons formed out of nothing]

     

  • '[…] although I'll have to disagree, it was more of […]' Two full sentences loosely connected by meaning; you won't find a better opportunity to make use of the marvellous semicolon.

     

  • The entire paragraph beginning with 'I had a daughter, a lovely thing' is a mess. You switch tenses – erratically. Make it simple instead! As part of the direct speech, have Jayesh use simple past tense. Only use past perfect where necessary. Also, as a tip, as past perfect can appear overcomplicated, when retelling a story it's usually enough to only lead with two or three verbs making use of past perfect and then switch to simple past. Especially helpful with flashbacks.

     

 

Concept:

 

  • Your prologue needs to be the best chapter you write. Currently, that's not the case. It needs something to grip the reader, to force him to continue reading – and not just near the end. It needs to leave the reader feeling angry, sad, awed – anything. But he should be firmly invested at that point.

     

  • As such, I feel like your prologue could use more 'oomph' or polishing. Prologues should introduce characters and raise questions. Things the reader doesn't know keep him interested.

     

  • Also, the presentation of your prologue is of paramount importance. As such, I'd advise you to rewrite it completely. You need to shoot for something – anything: eerie, strange, creepy, dramatic, hot, cool.

    If you manage to get that feeling, introduce a few characters and red herrings and plot points, AND manage to wrap it all up elegantly with an ease that leaves your reader stunned, you know you've done it right.

    You could, and this is just an example, wrap your entire prologue in a frame narrative. You could, for example, introduce Stanis' city by describing peaceful town life, a few kids messing with a few pigeons that dare come too close. They take to the skies, and the reader gets a short description from the air, maybe hinting at the alien life forms above. Then, after the talk of the aliens and the looming doomsday, have the pigeons land on the same spot you earlier describe and victoriously pick at a few breadcrumbs where those mentioned youths stood earlier. This is just a lazy example, mind you, but it's a bit more elegant nevertheless.

     

  • I'd also strongly advise you to introduce some part of your story during the prologue: a rival, another person, a memory – anything! Without some kind of anchor, your story is fluttering capriciously in the wind.

    That bit at the beginning of the fourth chapter, not too sure where it was, was okay, but you need something earlier, and possibly something stronger. You don't need to drown us in information, but give us something!

 

 

Style:

 

  • As a rule, don't take your readers for a fool – ever! 'A smaller version of a cow – so a calf!' or 'Four of them, three if you included Stanis.' When I read something like this, I get angry. If anything, you should pretend(!) your audience is really smart. That way, you'll be able to impress them.

    That doesn't mean you should get lost in technicalities. That's not smart; that's boring. But lose these phrases – fast.

  • […] ticks seemed to be the biggest challenge to his morality […]

    You're watering down the effect of your writing. More often than not, less is more. Read over both following sentences.

    1. The ticking seemed to be the biggest challenge to his morality.

    2. The ticking challenged his morality.

    Not only is the second version a lot more engaging and direct, gripping the reader, it's also less circumstantial. Less is more.

     

  • '[…] clean strike, well bloody, but […] The intention is good, very good; irony or humour, in general, are very desirable in your writing, even on a narrative level. However, there are a few problems with this attempt.

    Firstly, it's incorrect. Filler words like 'well' are interjections. As such, they dictate a preceding and following comma.

    Secondly, the phrasing is too personal for the narrator's voice. 'Well' and such things belong into the mouths of characters.

    Instead, try to write it impersonally. Maybe like this: 'A clean strike, at least as long as one didn't mind the fountain of blood.'

    As you can see, the humour is still intact, yet we got rid of that unprofessional touch.

     

  • 'Transforming him into his slaughterhouse.' So he's becoming a building? I think you mean butcher.

     

  • 'Recollected his mind' Doesn't that mean he remembered his intellect? I think you mean 'to collect oneself'

     

  • Your fighting scenes are too wordy. In general, if you aim for effect, use strong words, few adjectives, and even fewer adverbs. That also makes your scenes sound gritty, crisp and brutal.

    If you want your scene to end in an iconic fashion, maybe something like this:

    With a grimace, Stanis yanked his axe free. 'Adrenaline can help with the pain,' he thought, 'but an axe buried in your skull is a lot harder to ignore.'

     

  • 'They should have begun talking' Says who? Not the narrator, I hope, because you're still trying to write an impersonal narrator.

    It's either:

    1. 'Stanis would have expected them to talk.' (personal)

    2. 'One might have expected greetings to be exchanged.' (impersonal)

    3. 'Despite the tension, silence reigned supreme.' (apathetic)

     

  • The paragraph following Jayesh's attempt to calm the kids down. To be honest, it's really bad. Try to neither analyse your characters too much nor to put words in your reader's mouth. That paragraph does both.

    Instead of writing how Luca 'feels threatened' (by the way, you change perspective here – another cardinal sin), attempt to describe him. His behaviour and reactions should make it apparent to the reader how he's feeling.

     

  • 'Well that and his narcissism, he didn't nearly have […]'

    Hopefully, that'll be the last sentence I'll examine so closely.

    Problematic are the filler words (well, that, nearly), the judging nature of the narrator's voice, and the punctuation. Even the use of the word 'animal' in the latter part of that sentence isn't without problems; those things you had the humans test their will against weren't really animals, were they? Or – vice versa – you would have to refer to humans as animals for the rest of the story, as you gave those cows quite a lot of awareness. The chimpanzee too seemed fully capable of conversing with the aliens.

     

  • Teaching and instructing isn't the same. (Saying that Jayesh has been teaching them seems a little over the top at that point.)

     

  • Refrain from switching local or mental perspectives. Stanis has clearly been introduced as your main character. Yet you briefly switch perspective all the same. You even switch to Luca's perspective just before he's done in. Instead, try to describe what happens from Stanis' perspective. You could've done it differently from the start, but narrating style is something you chose at the start of the story; you can't change it after the fact.

     

  • 'Humans had reached the apex'-paragraph. Entirely unnecessary. What do you wish to convey? That they finally talk? Write that! Your reader knows what a human is – presumably.

     

  • You describe too many people as chubby. Try to expand your vocabulary for descriptions. Tubby, rotund, portly – those would all work, as an example.

     

  • 'the star of the show' Just: NO! Don't highlight your character like that. It's extremely cheap, bad taste, and irritates the reader. You shouldn't dictate your readers which characters they're supposed to like. It doesn't work like that.

 

Characters:

 

  • The aliens at the beginning.

    If they're aliens, make them alien! Give them weird speech patterns, have them make strange sounds, use alien words – whatever. Just because they're similar doesn't mean they are allowed to be basically human.

     

  • 'the darkness within him' (two calves scene). Melodramatic. Unless he's literally a secret sociopath, I'd delete that asap.

     

  • Why is Stanis feeling such hate (you wrote about hate blossoming, I think)? That's not how humans typically react. In a situation of stress, the only thing on their mind is usually fear and determination in varying degrees. Hate, anger, and such things come later. It's not necessary for your survival.

     

  • Jayesh's story is a bit stereotypical, but the real problem I have is another. Why does he share this extremely personal backstory with a random stranger he met three minutes ago? Doesn't fit his controlled and cool demeanour.

     

  • Your characters are, more often than not, very judgemental. Strangely, at other times they're lacking this trait when I expected it to shine through the most!

    For someone who's led a very peaceful life, as you wrote, Stanis sure seems totally fine with some stranger beating another stranger to death with his fists. I'm not convinced. He isn't even shocked!

     

  • 'That showed Jayesh to gloat in front of him […]'

    Wow, way to make me hate your character.

 

 

Closing thoughts: I think the story has potential, but you need to sharpen your phrasings – a lot. Also, try to think about plot and story during every scene you write. The story is all about character progression, background stories, world progression etc. The plot, on the other hand, encompasses action, dialogue, interaction, and most of the machinations you, the author, decide to throw at your characters.

Every scene you write needs to have a justification for both elements. Is it necessary to further my character? Is it necessary to further the story I need to tell?

If you can't easily answer both with a yes, something's wrong.

 

That is also why your story appears to be so random at the beginning. We know basically nothing about Stanis – we aren't invested in him. And yet, you expect your reader to sit on the edge of his seat and follow his personal nightmare.

I don't mean you should write three chapters of background and add them before the start. But the story literally starts with the Armageddon, and then you pick a random character and offer him to us as your protagonist. And it reads like that, too.

At least weave Stanis into your prologue, adding a dash of premonition to give us a hint that something's coming.

 

All in all, I'd say your writing is formally slightly above average (2.9/5), stylistically a touch worse (2/5).

Your characters are contrasting enough to come alive (that's good), but they can be a bit annoying with the way you write them.

Your story and plot need a lot of work (probably ranging between 1.5 and 1.7/5), mostly because there's literally nothing here except Judgement Day and survival.

 

It's far from bad though. With a bit of work, you can definitely make it above 3/5, which would put it within reach of the best stories on this site. Even the absolute killers here are about 4.2-4.5/5s in my opinion. Keep that in mind.

 

 

Cheers,

~

 

DrSupbro
  • Overall Score
  • Style Score
  • Story Score
  • Grammar Score
  • Character Score

This is Getting Annoying (Updated 4/15/18)

 

This story is really starting to annoy me and a lot of others from what I am reading. Our MC is still the weak pussy in the story despite the fact he should be able to kick everyone's ass by now. 

It is getting aggrevating that the author cannot decide if they want Stanis to be the strongest or not. He straight up destroyed the competition when the top 1000 had their bout, yet he still got his ass handed to him by Jen. Honestly fuck her. 

Now, you could say since Stanis didn't directly fight her in that competition there is still grounds for a loss, but you'd be wrong to think that. Especially with the way he ended up losing the battle in Chapter 94 alongside everything that was going for him.

I've put up with this story because it was intersting and it seemed like Stanis would eventually leave everyone in the dust and move on to greater battles and goals, but that doesn't seem to be the case. 

Now, don't get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with some struggle. But this doesn't excuse the stale inconsistent implementation of ideas throughout the plot. It keeps going back and forth throughout the entire story: he is strong one chapter, then gets his ass handed to him, only to train and train and train then get his ass handed to him. Rinse and repeat. Other stories do similar things to bring new challenges to the MC, but this story just beats the MC down until he can't move for a month, then has everyone pass him, makes him train to catch up, only to beat him down again to the brink of death. 

This story could have been a lot better if it was just handled correctly. A smooth ride towards its direction with intense battles and struggles all over the place to make things interesting without power necessarily being handed to him. Not a one sided slaughter with Stanis being the recipient. 

Me, as well as a lot of others are sick of Stanis constantly being this weak. Once he lost that fight with Jen I straight up lost respect for this story. There was no reason for him to lose. He had the best mana circuit, he had the best equipment, he was the best in terms of stats, and yet he got his ass handed to him just like that. 

God's Hydra
  • Overall Score
  • Style Score
  • Story Score
  • Grammar Score
  • Character Score

The Mad One: How Endings ruin Stories

Before I begin, let me say that until the end, I liked this story. Grammar was good, the story made sense, I understood the characters. But now that its over, I can say that I wouldn't recommend this story to anyone.

Spoilers about the ending here on out. The TL;dr is author made the characters stupid, to rush a shitty ending.

Now, the ending is garbage. The author tries to hide it with a new writing style, which doesn't flow well, but nothing makes sense. Stanis begins acting like an actual moron. His "archenemy" also stops thinking intelligently, and makes some grade A bad decisions, thinking its a good idea. I thought the whole "Stanis is undead" thing would have mattered more, affected how he fought, but it didn't. I would have thought that Jen being his "maker" would have mattered beyond him hating her, but it didn't. They both just kept doing the same fight until Stanis "wins", and kills her. This entire time, Stanis is acting like some unbearable asshole, until his parting with the Jaguars. Then back to being an idiot. Jen is acting like Queen of the castle when she knows Stanis is coming for her. She even kills the group that said they wanted to help her kill Stanis because she "didn't see their worth". The village wants to suddenly kill Stanis, because "people are dumb and greedy, and fear what they don't understand." They decide that attempting to kill the man who is stronger than all of them put together, is a good idea. They don't even try to win over their populace, just the leaders. The Jaguars made a good decision and got out of there before it started. The only decent part of the whole end is Stanis saying goodbye to Serb. It actually felt touching, because you knew that they knew that they would probably never see each other again. The Stanis goes to fight Jen the same way, again, kill her, then get killed by Pete, who suddenly became really good at planning incredibly short term. The Pete we met in the story would never have killed Stanis like that, he knew it would be signing his own death warrant when the real threat comes to town. Pete is not, nor ever has he been, that stupid. He would ride the Stanis train for as long as possible, then jump off at the safest point and run like hell. Instead, he kills Stanis at the most dangerous point, knowing he would die soon anyway. Pete also magically became good at potion making, out of nowhere.

I really liked this story, and this ending just ruined it. Noone made a single smart decision, and if that's the point, the author made his characters too smart for this ending to be believable. He said he rushed the ending, and you can feel it in how the writing is crap, the fights are crap, and how you get this feeling in your gut telling you that this is a downward spiral into a really shitty ending. The author made good points about how he made too many subplots, and that he couldn't come up with a way to make the fights in a way that he found interesting. And he was right about flaws. But instead of an ambiguous ending like some authors, or owning that he doesn't like how it turned out and dropping it like others, he pumps out a shitty ending, as his way of staving off criticism. 

To end my long, emotion-fueled rant, I'm going to end it with that this story honestly deserved better. I'm just really disappointed. 

 

hsteinvall
  • Overall Score
  • Style Score
  • Story Score
  • Grammar Score
  • Character Score

Starts interesting, turns bad around chapter 50

I begun reading this after havinging finished Gosthound and The new World. At first I was hooked, thinking I have found a third take on the same idea. But this realy isnt of the same calibre. Around chapter 50 or so I just started to feel that everything about this story was sort of juvenile. And then the author began writing out sounds, like "ROAARRR" and that really killed it for me. I dont know guys, I guess read this if you are bored. I know I have better stuff to do.

Dytonn
  • Overall Score
  • Style Score
  • Story Score
  • Grammar Score
  • Character Score

Im gonna start off by saying ive just binged the whole thing up to chapter 44 and i gotta say i really like it. 

The only thing that really niggles me about this story is how hes not even trying to specialize in something.

Not to say he should be min-maxing but at least focus on either spells or swords. Nobody can be perfect at both and eventually hes gonna run into someone or something thats gonna shit on his build unless hes got unbelieveable plot armour. 

grammer and spelling can be improved also. Its not so bad that its un-readable but sometimes the sentences just dont flow or there is missing words that the reader is left guessing. 

riles656
  • Overall Score
  • Style Score
  • Story Score
  • Grammar Score
  • Character Score

SPOILERS!!! MOST LIKELY!!!! SPOILERS!!! OR NAH!!! SPOILERS!!! NO IDEA!!!

The story it self is not original. The author does, however, do a well enough job of making it somewhat entertaining. If you have some time to burn, then read this story. Just..... don’t expect to be amazed. 

Style— like I said, been done before. It’s well written, but not amazing. It’s got a plot, but no real reason for it. It’s just so....ordinary?

Grammar— jebus christ, you author, must not have English as your first language. Your grammar is one of the best structure I have seen on this site. And yes, I’m kidding about English being your second language. I’m making fun of all those writers who have horrid grammar and blame it on English not being their native language. Like every single one. Even if their user names are bob or Ryan Finley. How hard is it to post the story into grammarly before posting? Well done author. 

Story—yeh, same as style. Just average. If you can get past the plot holes, it’s ok. Biggest plot hole, how did more than half of humanity die from the first trial? 3.5(ish) billion people decided to not kill the calf? Yeh, cause that’s humanity. We care for others more than ourselves. We get a choice of killing this weird calf thing or dying and we choose to spare the cow. Everyone please applaud humanity. 

Character— why did character get a low score? Well, if you didn’t put the characters names every few paragraphs, they would all be forgotten. They are all so shallow. Even the mc, who is supposed to be the star of the show, is very forgettable. Half of the time when you bring up a character I have to go back to find out who they are. And for a story that’s supposed to be focused on one character, you sure do go on a few side trips. 

Overall, story is ok. Just not amazing or bad. It’s “meh”. It’s gets very tiring of seeing your little author notes telling people that you have 25 extra chapters on your patreon for people to buy. Kinda makes me want to tell people how to read your content without giving you any money. Oh well. Also, to all the scrubs who wrote a review and were all like “ 5 star, so amazing, I read  a lot of the story” and they say that they only read like 6 chapters. Wut? Really? That’s considered a lot? Oh well. Sorry for the rant. Story shows promise. Wish the chapters had more content. Yes, not longer chapters, just more content. Cause at the moment, most of the chapters are just fluff. Keep trucking on author. And good luck. 

Hyperion915
  • Overall Score

The writing is pretty good, though I've noticed a few Grammer mistakes, but the story is a complete drag. The trials make no sense (why exactly do they have to kill the cows or die? Seems redundant when you could just let them live or die in the world with magical beasts anyways), the characters are either complete scum or preachy as fuck about their reasons for hating the previously mentioned scum, the entire concept is retarded since the angels or whatever killed half the population they were sponsoring and ensured the rest would hate them (i.e. when they got powerful, wouldnt they want revenge against those angel-like things?), the pace is slow as fuck with nothing of actual interest that would get me invested in the story (to be clear, the pace would be fine if you wrote something that caught my interest, but the tone of the story does not allow such a thing unfortunately), and most of all Stanis is like cancer given edgy teenager form. I don't understand what exactly you thought was so good about the character but his questionable as fuck morals and attitude towards other people are fucking repulsive, and that's despite him being a "good" person. I get the character development thing but his attitude is so annoying that i have a hard time getting invested at all. Neither is jayesh particularly impressive btw, your portrayal of him and the backstory were so abrupt and on the nose that I was immediately turned off. It also showed me clearly what tone you're trying to go for, and I have absolutely no interest in reading a book about "questioning societal norms and morals" or whatever. Im sure some people enjoy that kind of stuff, but to be completely frank i find the entire idea of writing stories with so much focus on the idea to be more pathetic than thought inducing.

 

for anyone in their edgy teenage years, this is for you. for anyone interested in the evil in human beings or whatever this is for you. for people looking for some light fun, you've come to the wrong genre. which i suppose was explicit from the grimdark tag, but i certainly didnt check the tags lol

Alexis Keane
  • Overall Score

Aliens invade earth, let the probing begin...

The probing of weaknesses, of course.

An extremely enjoyable story with a great deal of heart behind it. Indeed, Nefarious has already ripped a great deal of the beating organs out of his victims' living chests as sacrifices for the dark gods of writing whom he seeks to appease.

His sacrifices have not been in vain. Indeed those fell deities smile upon him and have treated with him favorably. The time is nigh, my brethren. The time of The Mad One has come!

Urin
  • Overall Score

An amazing story but...

Spoiler: Spoiler

  The actual story is amazing, I can't say a single bad thing about it. The one really annoying thing this author does is constantly upload whole chapters advertising his patreon page, just stick an authors note after every chapter instead

Update: The author has stopped doing it!

bobnini
  • Overall Score

What can i say.. i started reading expecting some generic mmorpg litrpg, but i got a surprise....a good one.. The begin is nothing outstanding and the MC is a pussy.. but he becomes better with time and then i got a surprise when i saw some tokyo ghoul edgy shit in the history... but it was really good, i though this time i would drop the history because of that but nah..It was really good.. the system is cool too.. the character development is good, i have nothing bad to say against.. i just wish that in the future im not going to read about some edgy evil guy mental retarded killing people left and right and becoming an evil shit and killing innocent people,etc...And lets hope that he is not a wizard harry that stay virgin forever