A Virus Life For Me
Poor Mark just cannot catch a break. First he dies saving another person and is summoned in front of the "Overbeing". The "Overbeing" gives Mark choices for his next reincarnation due to his selfless act. However, all is not as it seems. Just before being sent off to experience his next life as an evolver Mark overhears another person talking to the "Overbeing". It seems Mark was somehow a threat to the "Overbeing" and was eliminated and sent on his way before he could cause problems. Now that Mark knows what happens he vows to attain enough power to overcome the "Overbeing" and thus fulfill what he was eliminated for in the first place. However, to do that he must master his evolver abilities and make it through a new world where magic and monsters are real.
Man reincarnates into a simple virus. Must figure out how to evolve into more dangerous and significant things. Hijinks, hilarity, and hopefully action occur along the way.
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As with the last story this one falls into the same trend. The only character development is in stats. The characters whole personality so far is "Look new stats."
There could have been some interesting adventures he had while he was a virus, evolving into some tiny little thing inside a magical creature and fighting other things like himself instead it was sleep stats sleep stats sleep some more.
I see a LOT of potential with the ideas you have but you really need to work on not using your gaming system as a crutch for writing. As for right now, you are not writing a story with a gaming system in it but a gaming system with a story attached.
Starts Okay, guy dies for a dumb-ass reason and becomes a virus.
Guy basicly evolves out of virus and throws that part away.
Goes to school but does nothing and learns nothing.
Secondary characters are not proactive but are very responsive, info-dump machines.
Gets no power up for evolving into divine race.
Then leaves for deity world... well he made no great connections, so who knows if he will ever be back.
Guy dies because a god intervened. However it seems unlikely that he would have caused any problems in the first place (and he probably also messed with the reincarnation options but obviosly didn't know what options where there), so this dumb-ass god just made an enemy out of the MC and probably made him more powerful.
The first couple of chapters are monotonous. He doesn't really do much, is singularly focused on growth for revenge. The only way you can see growth is through the rpg screens, he doesn't really try mush. You could wave away his boring and contradictory actions by saying that he isn't very inteligent as a virus.
The different things that he could possibly do as a virus are thrown away and never really explored once he gets the ability to use a body. Possibly the only way you could justify the virus part of the story is to give a reason of why he has those traits and alignments that make him more powerful than everyone else, also giving him an ability to never really die. You also never see if his traits ever develop ever again, they just become hidden numbers.
Going onwards from his transformation ability, if you ignore the lacking virus parts, everything is okay until he meets people and go to school.
The weirdness of him getting accepted that quickly even though he is a suspicious character that is obviously lieing about certain stuff can be waved away by them wanting to make use of his high skill potential as a sorcerer.
The excuse of going to school is to learn new things and possibly getting a secondary profession. However the only thing that he learnt was dungeon locations and martial moves under someone and that was never realy expanded on. It would have made no difference if he had apprenticed himself at the adventurers guild. He didn't get a secondary profession or learn anything about traits and being handed those dungeon locations cut down on exploring.
The secondary characters he meets don't seem to proactively do anything, the teachers (there were only 2 he ever interacted with) never seemed to give him any information without being asked for it and then it will just be big info-dump. Everything is his idea and they always say 'what a billiant idea, we should do that'. I wouldn't be surprised if they were genuinely NPCs.
The time comes for him to evolve into a divine race, I thought this would be more significant, like every other time that he has evolved. He might have gotten more traits slots, it might say how his over virus parts are being affected or effecting their host because of him reaching divine level. Maybe they aren't affected and he wont be divine anymore if that body dies. Then he is given a really sketchy secondary proffession that basicly encourages him to carry on, just do what he wants to do and not really grow in a new way. So the author just threw away that part too, aswell as the virus part.
He has now gone to another world, I wonder if this will affect his connection with his other bodies at all... will he try to infect this new world...I doubt it.
You might notice that the stars and the overall score *really* don't match up right? I'll explain, but let's get to the four ranked categories.
Regarding style and grammar, tenqui has a decent style. His style established across KOTH and it stuck along, the style of yours works fine to describe happenings - I really enjoy the 'reports' you write, finely crunched down and rarely going overboard with the information dumps. However the immersion during action scenes are … *lacking,* if worded mildly. It might be a little exciting but I never got a sensation of epicness or another strong emotion from your writing - I hope you'll gain enough experience to convey these as well.
Character wise I don't have all that much of a complaint. Character has established himself … I wouldn't call that one character (*hint* *hint* **ONE!!!**) shallow, but as a consequence of your style they are a little … two dimensional. Try to convey emotions more, focus on finer details and see that you don't make the mistake of turning your supporting characters into background noise. You don't need a FOV to clearly define a character - experiment around.
Now … The mystery where your 1.5 points in score vanished to. The thing here is, first: why 3.5 - I took away half a point here because it is an overused cliché. I always reserve one of the five story stars for the Uniqueness of a story. You got half the score for taking the virus route though. The other *missing* star however … is because you didn't stick with it. It took away one star from the story rating **and** made me drop the rating to what you see up there - you would be around 4.0 if it wasn't for the route you took towards the latter chapters (12 at this point.)
**Note that beneath this point it'll contain story specific spoilers.**
You had a virus theme. But you decided to add "flesh" to it. Control of the creatures. Having a real body. It really broke the magic of the story for me, I adored the thought of you sticking to a theme like you did in KOTH and not abruptly jumping genres, *I thought we'd get Plague Inc as a story!* That's what makes this rating significantly lower then the others.
Of course it is reflecting my own thoughts here, I don't know whether others share the same sentiment as I do but I think it'll reflect on the vote count.
It's up to you to decide what you'll do with those numbers that'll appear.
Anyway, in case a reader got to this point I suggest for you take a look at the story. Don't let my score deter you.
Credit to tenqui for coming up with a cool starting form "virus" and different stat progress idea. Its a bit sad that it got dropped though to focus on a flesh body and generic stats.
This novel felt like tenqui reflected critically on some of the critisms for his last novel especially the idea of the main characther and his ridiculous luck. Mark whilst given the opportunity to evolve does not feel like a lucky characther and instead his growth feels alot more worked for.
Unfortunately in exchange for addressing these critism I feel other facets which I believe are more important have become much worse. Specifically repition and characther development/engagement.
Unlike our element dragon our virus starts with no other sentients to properly engage nor any options available to him outside of growing stronger. Whilst in the previous work we had theft, land purchasing, and weapon development, as well as the introduction of magic. In this we have sleep, magic, sleep, magic, check stats. Followed later by kill, kill, gather stuff which involves killing, kill with magic.
How these activities occur may vary slightly but the repetative nature of it can be really frustrating.
Because of this I would recommend tenqui previous work if you are choosing between them.
As for feedback to tenqui I would suggest very much ensuring you have more then one characther so that othere can act as the MCs foil. These dont have to be human as demonstrated by the novel "seed".
Also if you want to just focus on different ways of killing something and growing stronger you need to provide something else to provide some spice. You seem to have your monents of enjoyable comedy and silliness that may be one avenue.
"A VIRUS life for me"
Virus is wrong.
"A VIRAL life for me."
This is the correct version. Unless the title is meant to be a pun in a bun, then I'm just a jackass. :D
Eitherway, good story.
A story that goes wrong from an apparent lack of conceptualization.
Style is good to read, Grammar is very nice with only mild errors (like too instead of to, or some like that, which don't kill reading experience.)
Although the idea is good, the author didntd take a good approach for viral concept.
The reason is a virus creates copies of yourself, entering MC as a reincarnator with the ability to choose, I won't ever choose being a virus and creating copies of myself thus creating a weird which one is me experience. Vitus aren't scientifically alive, so of you want to add a virus in your story you need magic.
Ao lets see the magic author used. A god.
Okay divine power and a system. But said system is practically triggered by someone that wants to kill him.
A god that gives him the opportunity to 'evolve' and copy himself? Seriously. Is this guy that was supposed to also be a h... Not killing him directly... Plot armor... And then I stopped.
Sorry, really tried but its like saying you can't kill your character using water, and it gets killed with lemonade.
You need to explain why as mc as a virus can mantain sentience, his soul inside one copy, control other copies... It lacks the magic for that, not even the science... And let's not talk when he gets a body...
-The mc feels a little bland and doesn't use many things to his advantage.
-Grammar feels above average for this site.
-Style is good but it van be better.
-the story has a good premise, but when he turned into a thri-kreen (this is the correct spelling of thri-keen) it basically ruined the title. He actually forgot that he can get a being that is better than an elemental thri-kreen and yet he threw all of that away and I don't know why. He threw away his virus self which has unlimited potential for an elemental thri-kreen which has limited one.
Oh, and also, the ending feels very bland and rushed.
At first it was pretty good. Being a virus was pretty interesting and I'm sure if you got creative it would keep getting better. Then you mucked it up when you have Mark a physical form. The dialogue is, to be frank, shittier that a babies diaper. It's like everybody is a robot with no empathy whatsoever. It's forced.
After the physical form it just got progressively worse. The training was a series of time skips where you led to a grand tournament where there was no competition for our OP protagonist. Did I mention he's OP? Yeah, the guy is Saitama with magic and he hardly uses his physical atracks which he's apparently good at.
Around the new world i had hope in a new beginning. A fresh start where our MC would fend for himself against the scary monsters of the super planet. NOPE! You toss a montage of grinding, an OP spell, and an invention made from an OP spell together to get a power up to one of the most powerful brings in the world. You even had a few good opportunities to spice things up. Universe power? Wow! That sounds exciting! Nope. Let's ignore it. Then in the beginning you could have played around with the transforming physical form thing. Become a dragon for God's sake! It would be fun to write and read! Mark could have an alternate persona to do literally anything with! And then the spells! You only ever made like 12 but you had all the mana to play with and a while comments section of people that would have been thrilled to give creative ideas for spells. Hell, Mark could fly easily with all the OP skills you throw at him.
To just end it here it was a creative idea at first but you utterly wasted it. The spells seemed cool if OP but you only did a little with them. The virus stuff was interesting until you shoved it to the back for 80% of the story. Then you had to go and waste it with robotic dialogue and meaningless power boosts. It's also easy to see you barely tried with the ending too. You threw in some last second prophecy and killed the bad guy effortlessly with another power boost of yours.
As of chapter 6 this story is very interesting. It has no grammar errors that I remember from when I read it yesterday which means any errors were minor enough to be forgotten. I also like the title every time I read it I think of "it's a pirate's life for me. I don't know whether that was intentional, but it is still funny.
The story starts interesting, him a virius, then switches to standard fare with no focus on the nature if him being a virius its kind of disappointing.