A Magic Sniper in Another World

by EtherialEphemeral

Original HIATUS Action Adventure Fantasy Romance Anti-Hero Lead LitRPG Magic Male Lead Reincarnation Strong Lead Summoned Hero
Warning This fiction contains:
  • Gore
  • Profanity
  • Traumatising content

Zack Blake, a boy of contradictions. Stupidly smart, selfishly selfless and responsively reckless.

How will he fare up in a world where he doesn't belong?

Caught in the crossfires of a conspiracy, follow his adventures as he tries to save the two worlds he holds most dear.


Above is a new, shorter synopsis whilebelow is the original one.


Zack Blake.  A normal high school student, was leisurely studying in his classroom.

Or that was what's supposed to happen if he was normal.

He was the son of a Major Genral and became a Special Lieutenant at the age of 17 and saved his school from terrorists, only to die due to a bullet wound.

When he awoke. Yes. Awoke. He was in a completely white space and saw a white haired girl looking at him.

"Hello, Zack. I'm an Overseer named Alia. And welcome to my realm"

Given a choice to die as is or be sent into another world, what will he do?

Watch over Zack as he tries to survive and enjoy a world of swords and magic full of action, mystery and adventure by battling demons, humans and even Gods.


Constructive Criticism is accepted. I wish to improve my writing, and this story would be the first novel i've ever written...


Updates will be posted very erratically.

If you will rate this story less than 3 stars, please do leave a review so I will know what the problem was in the story.

Cover art is not mine and I found it here. If the artist wants it taken down, I shall comply.


Hiatus until summer kicks in. It's a bit of a mess right now. Also,please check out my other fiction, Alice in Magicland. AIML will be active since it's much easier to write than this novel.

  • Overall Score
  • Style Score
  • Story Score
  • Character Score
  • Grammar Score
  • Total Views :
  • 110,321
  • Average Views :
  • 5,516
  • Followers :
  • 967
  • Favorites :
  • 80
  • Ratings :
  • 150
  • Pages :
  • 76
Advertisement
Remove
Go to Table of Contents
Rate it
Report
Advertisement
Remove
Author
EtherialEphemeral

EtherialEphemeral

The Empress of the Night

Achievements
Great Commenter (IV)
Fledgling Reviewer (III)
Good Review (III)
Word Wielder (III)
Toplist #1000
Village Head (IV)
I Am Ascending (VI)
Advertisement
Remove
Reviews

Leave a review

TheLoneMerc
  • Overall Score
  • Style Score
  • Story Score
  • Grammar Score
  • Character Score

Could use some polishing

Hello everyone! So basically, I've read the first few chapters and skimmed through the majority of the rest so I could provide some criticism for the author to improve.

From what I've seen there are consistent errors that have occurred from chapter to chapter which I will list.

  • Problems in relation to tenses e.g. uses present tense instead of past tense. *Edit as of SS.2*. There are less tense issues.
  • Words are sometimes miss spelt but they are very few from what I've read
  • Problems in relation to punctuation. In this regard I feel the author may be a little reliant on commas but that's my opinion. *Edit as of SS.2* The author is now using more simple sentences rather than using comma splices and stuff.
  • Problems in relation to pacing. The way it reads makes it seem a little fast. Maybe go a little more into describing what happens but remember to make it concise and to the point. *Edit as of SS.2* The author has made it so that the story is more descriptive. Slowing the pace and making it easier to read and depict scenes playing out in the readers head.
  • Problems in relation to the dialogue. I found it hard to keep track of who was talking but they may've just been me.
  • Also, I'm not sure, but there may be problems with your formatting although I can't confirm it. Perhaps you could ask your readers in a later chapter. *Edit as of SS.2* I confirmed there was problems with the formatting. Hopefully someone will help the author in this regard.

Style is the way someone writes and personally I love something a little more descriptive. But this novel in my opinion is a little too fast paced for me and lacks enough description to create a decent picture within my head.

In terms of story, I haven't gotten far enough in too judge it but it seems like one of the average Isekai stories. Except it has guns, so that's a plus. But it kind of depends on how it plays out and is executed.

The characters at this time haven't been fleshed out enough yet so I will leave the character score at 3.5.

Also I went through the chapters to see if what that 'Rorschach' guy said was true about the author. Seem like it may've been deleted but I still think he/she is a great person overall. So here's a quote from what the author said on the latest chapter.

'Okay, so the number of guys that rated .5 without actually writing a review raised to two. I think I heard something in my mind snap, but I think it's just my imagination... maybe. You guys know what? I just converted my dark flames of hatred to the pure blaze of motivation. I will not let those two bring me down. Fight on!'

- Author sama

Anyways, I'd also like to put a little note that quite a few people, not many, but a few will give you 0.5 stars. It is annoying at times but keep in mind that it isn't solely about what rank your novel is. Your novel will most likely be about the progress you make in your writing. Do not be limited or chained down by the ratings and comments. If you ever see them, use them to improve.

Another note about the author is that she/he seems to be intent on improving their work. So I also encourage that other readers who begin reading also provide constructive criticism and help this writer grow. If you need an example from your work of what your doing wrong you can just message me or whatever. Me and a few people I know could read through your work and perhaps help you. I found them to be quite helpful at times.

So good luck mate, hopefully you'll improve even more with the amount of people now reading your novel. Don't be discouraged by others and just have fun writing.

Bye.

ImMrMeeseeks
  • Overall Score

Really like what I read so far hope you keep writing it.

tenaciouspfc
  • Overall Score

really liking the premise so far, as well as his death not being cliché.

darrasdave
  • Overall Score

The explanation and background of the mc was illogical and weird. He is a child soldier that is bodyguarding a presidents daughter? I can suspend my disbelief, but its a real struggle. The thing that really put me off this story is that he shoots a 50. Cal sniper rifle while standing up and can twirl it around like it weighs nothing? These bullets can be used to kill tanks and it takes 2 to kill a goblin. At least the goblin was not a cliche bad guy like the terrorists were...

scoutbull
  • Overall Score

Gun-centric story with no experience with guns

Through chapter 9 and had to quit.  This was obviously written by someone with no actual experience with guns.  There were just too many glaring errors in the story. If you don't know what your writing about don't make it a focus of the story. As a combat veteran the writers usage of guns made me cringe. 

Owl36
  • Overall Score

When I saw the title to this novel, I just felt like "finally, something I can get addicted to".

 

Maybe longer chapters? Like, I need more innocent !!

druiseeker
  • Overall Score

Good story.  It's been a good story.  I recommend that you give it a shot. 

Spartanstoryteller
  • Overall Score

Keep up the good work this story has a lot of potential. True it follows the very much abused main character teleported to another world with a status screen BUT there is a lot here you don’t normally see (like proper grammar for instance) there’s comedy and the main character actually thinks things through intelligently instead of some of the downright stupid decisions I’ve seen other “anti-hero” MC’s make I am writing this review as of chapter 12 

Krimety
  • Overall Score

So far so good. 

I’m enjoying it.  It puts an interesting spin on a fun theme. 

monoliith
  • Overall Score

Looking very solid so far

Enjoying it so far. Grammar isn't perfect, but that can come with experience. The good thing is the story is holding together well. Not super sure about the whole "wanna get back home" aspect. That can seriously limit the character and cause you to have issues with the ending accidently sneaking up on you. But other than that, great.