The Friendly Neighborhood Dungeon

by Vielfras

Original HIATUS Action Adventure LitRPG Multiple Lead Characters

A magical dungeon in a not so magical world.

 

 

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This story is my attempt at NaNoWriMo 2017. Unlike my other story, this one is more family friendly ;)

I'll be posting it as I write, usually after a rudimentary edit so any critique or suggestions are welcome as I'm doing this to improve my writing skills.

Enjoy :D

*I do not own the image. It was taken from google and will remove it if the creator asks.

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Vielfras

Vielfras

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PhilosPub
Overall

Not bad, not bad at all...

  1. The first few chapters, and non of it makes me feel like the dungeon is a wimpy rip off of weak manga beta male characters. Flows into a simple and upbeat mood. No dwelling on moral issues, or needless questions about why it is a dungeon. Just a go lucky moving forward wit life attitude. Doesn't even come off as morbidly obsessed with death traps. Just over excited about bringing adventure to the world. Mind, I only have six chapters to go on but, if the story stays light hearted, I am defiantly looking forward to reading more.
Chayim
Overall

This has some cool ideas and I'm curious to see where it goes.

The kid is kind of annoying but in a way that reminds me of an actual middle schooler. I'm interested to see how he grows and matures. 

All the adults seem mean or poised to ruin all the fun and magic. Which is a trope that I actually remember loving as a kid. I probably won't mind if some of them bite the dust.

The Dungeon Crystal itself is a little all over the place and I'm not sure how Splicer and the system work the way they do. Despite all that The Dungeon Crystal actually has such a clear and understandable desire (to help the kid grow and create a magical but dangerous place in the process) that I can't help but like it.

Overall it's nice to see a dungeon story that isn't super edgy and I hope it ends well!