A note from wercwercwerc

Hello, this is wercwercwerc speaking!

I've got to take a breather from posting for a minute. As of this chapter, we're about... halfway there? Not quite actually, from the double-check of it seems we actually have plenty more to go. So that's good news, right? (I hope!)

Thanks for reading!


Chapter 64

Snake Report: Life as an ascended being, Day 1

[Level Up]


A hole in the ceiling.

[Level Up]


Uncomfortably cramped.

[Level Up]


This is home now.

[Level Up]


Undeniable proof in my eyes that the Tiny-Snake-God loves his followers.

[Level Up]


I call it Camp Olympus.


[Level Up]


It is a happy place.

[Level Up]


Miss Paladin even appreciates it. No complaints from her, she's already asleep- and honestly she's really the one who doesn't have any room.

[Level Up]


I could fit in a shoe box.

[Level Up]


Magic or normal, I'm sure I could.

[Level Up]


I'm not in a shoe-box though.

[Level Up]


I'm still snake-scarf.

[Level Up]


No choice in the matter though, I really messed up this time.

[Level Up]


I used way too much magic.




Ah, good. It finally stopped.

[Level Up]


Hissss... Never mind.

[Level Up]


It'll stop eventually, I'm sure.

[Level Up]



[Level Up]




Now, maybe... Here's hoping. It makes a noise that isn't a noise each time. Migraine inducing, just thinking about it.

There's a long story there- probably a couple of them. To make it short, the Megalodon died atop the ruins of camp Alcatraz, Miss Paladin has more upper body-strength than I'd imagined possible, and I think I got credit for murdering some ancient evil from the lake of doom.

Heavy pillars of stone, plus gravity. Large chunks of heavy material falling from great heights onto the thing seemed to do the trick somehow. I guess it's really hard to live through a giant rock-guillotine, even as a Behemoth-Monster of the depths.

Well... I mean, I say that, but the Megalodon lived through that part actually. For a few hours it was still making "grrrrrrooooo" noises and such.

Even at a rough count, at least two hours.

Then it died.

Honestly, I think getting stuck under them might have really been what killed it. Far as I can tell the giant-shark slowly suffocated while a bunch of other hungry seas-monsters went to town on it.

Gruesome, but I'll take it.

I mean, it brings up some interesting questions about damage calculations, experience accumulations, and "last-hit" relevance, but I'll take it.

Loophole victory is still a victory.


But there is a problem. Even with the shark dead, and both of Team Tiny-Snake alive and well atop Camp Olympus.

I messed up.

Big time: a serious error, necessary or not.

Too much Magic.

I used too much magic, and then I pushed past my limit right at the end with a huge effort to cut the pillar before we fell and died by impact/eel/Megalodon.

Unfortunately, there have been a few side-effects.

See the above mention: I am now a scarf. Still a Scarf. Will likely continue to be a scarf, off into the future until some distant time yet to come.

Atop of looking a bit like some hip-hop artist who might be trying a bit too hard, Miss Paladin hasn't even met my parent's yet. Skin-to scale contact here: We're moving a bit too fast for my liking.

But I seriously can't move.

At all.

I'm just a majestic looking scale-scarf. I can breath a little, and blink. I can make my tongue do the cool "flick" thing, but I can't move. To make matters even worse, I can barely use magic either.

It's not like it's gone, but it's hard to reach for and use. I still feel the weight of it. I haven't lost mana or anything, in fact I think I have even more than I did before- but [Earth Molding] is working as a trickle compared to what I was managing previously.

Thus the cramped quarters. It's a left-over from what I managed to complete before the Indiana-Jones Theme started playing and I needed up with Snaktile-dysfunction.

There's not a lot of room, and if you look to the right, you'll notice there is a hole in the floor that could lead to certain death, and if you look left there is a wall of bedrock. Just like above- the distance in which that rock continues for is ambiguous.

Anywhere from a few slithers, to half a mile. I'm not exactly clear on how far we fell down in the currents when we went over the cliff. Meanwhile, beneath us there is only a few steps worth of rock, and then a long fall into a lake filled with hungry eels.

Obviously Miss Paladin isn't going to be able to chip away at the rock by hand. I have to be the one to pave the way for us to go up.

But also, very obviously, I'm having a bit trouble with that at the moment. The only magic that's working properly right now is [Voice of Gaia]

I don't think I can question our way out of this.


"[Voice of Gaia], tell me my status."

[Level 70]


[BRANCH: Divine Being]



[Toxic] - Toxic Flesh. Dangerous if consumed.
[Crystalline scales] - Increased Defense
[Omnivore] - Capable of eating non-monster food-stuffs.
[Affinity of Flame] - Bonded to the Element.
[Legendary] - A rare being. Not often seen, known only to Legend.


[STATUS: Temporary]

[Paralyzed - Temporary] - Result of Mana-debt*

[Weakened - Temporary] - Result of Mana-debt*

[Intake - Temporary] - Acclimating to previous victory*



[Poison resistance: Rank XII]
[Fire resistance: Rank II] - Affinity*
[Mana resistance: Rank 21]



[Passive Healing 22] - Automatically recovery from injuries. Mana drained as a result.
[Heal I] - Third rank of healing.
[Flame element] - Affinity*
[Leviathan breath V] - Rare ability. Advanced variation of [Flame Breath]
[Fireball X] - A ball of flame, capable of long-range.
[Earth element]
[Earth Molding 21] - Second spell rank of [Earth Manipulation]
[Water element]
[Water Manipulation II] - Ability to actively mold and shape water.
[Knowledge element]
[Voice of Gaia VI] - Knowledge embodiment. Spirit of the world.
[Divine element]
[Royal Spirit of Man] - Acquired.
[Ancient Spirit of Depth] - Acquired

Phew, that level though.

That seems high.

I think I would feel very proud of this if I wasn't wrapped around someone's neck like an old-country fox-pelt.

"[Voice of Gaia] What is the [Divine element] [Royal Spirit of Man]?"





Nothing. No answers.

That's okay- This is fine. I expected this from the last attempt.

Annoying, but fine.


"[Voice of Gaia] What is [Divine element] [Ancient Spirit of Depth]?"







Seriously, I hate this magic sometimes. Takes my mana, and doesn't answer. It's like a vending machine that eats your hard-earned quarters.

What is this even... Ah, you know what- I just remembered something.

"[Voice of Gaia] How many skill points do I have?"


"[10,000 Skill points to allocate]"


Hmm, I take back what I said about this magic.

That seem's high...

Yeah, that still seems like a lot. No doubt, this is a lot more than I was ever anticipating.

"[Voice of Gaia] Are there any [Divine magics] I can buy with those?"


"No. [Divine Magics] cannot be purchased, only earned. Once used, their effects become permanent."




Many answers, in fact, more answers than I was expecting.

Rare for [Voice of Gaia]

Suspiciously rare, even...


If I still had facial hair, I'd probably stroke it with an expression of deep thought and reflection. While I'm at it, maybe I could have some old-style pipe too, to puff away with in solemn and troubled silence.

And a rocking chair.

On a wooden porch, overlooking some distant valley, and a beautiful sunset.

Yes... Yes, I can see it clearly now.


I'm both terrified and intrigued by these answers.

I'm also out of magic.

The life of a scarf has become more interesting.



Support "The Snake Report"

About the author


Bio: I'm wercwercwerc. I write stories online for fun.

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Cody ago

thank you for the chapter, is there anywhere i can find a link to these reddit chapters i hear about?

Kreog ago
That took a good 7 seconds of writing 'The snake report reddit' into the search bar. After seeing how messy reddit is in comparison I think i'm gonna wait it out and read it here, assuming it's updated relatively soon as my patience is limited when it comes to interesting stories.

MAJmufin ago

black letters are a nighmare for dark mode users XD I have to use CTL A to see them

xtremeloldude ago

real nice, can't wait for more

thanks for all the chapters


Killashard ago

Thanks for the chapter!

dennis212 ago

I think I've figured out the Divine element; he gets the souls of powerful enemies.

IsUnavailable ago

Thank you for the chapter.

node. ago

10K points. Time to shop for some skills.

not fake ago

the life of a scarf. i would read that

oliverwashere ago


and I needed up with Snaktile-dysfunction.


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