- Sexual Content
The world is broken and rotten.
It's supposed defenders are too weak willed to do what is necessary.
It's leaders are too corrupt to care for those beneath them
If they wont fix this world, then I will!
I will make the world a better place ..... by any means necessary!
Nice to meet you all. My name is Ginobi47. A lurker of fanfiction.net and now a writer of original fic.This is my first original work and I do hope you enjoy it!
Do remember that this is a fiction in the Superhero genre. Please expect the craziness that goes along with it.
NOTE: English is not my maiden language.
AUTHOR'S NOTE: As I went through the other fictions of Royal Road, I noticed that my style of writing style (slow release, 1 big post) doesnt work well in this site. As such, I'll be experimenting on releasing smaller chapters more often, as this seems to be how the authors of Royal Road does things.
Mind you, my release speed will still be very slow compared to others, but I'll churn out chapters more often than what I used to do.
ANOTHER NOTE: Some of my readers convinced me to set up a discord server. While I have absolutely no idea what to do in a discord server, but if you're interested, just join in and go nuts.
Suggest some storylines or characters, seek advice in just about anything or tell me your deepest darkest secret (you can PROBABLY trust me ^.^).
Feel free to do whatever is fun
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A decent start. The following criticism is meant to be helpful and Ihope doesn't come off ass too critical.
1) Way too casual with the mass murder. Your main character kills as easily as he brushes his teeth, even when its too his detriment to do so. Even cold blooded murderers dont kill that easily, is actually the oposite of his supposed paranoid mindset. Also killing should have some emotion tied to it, if only contempt or impatience. "These thugs were just like those who terrorized his family back 'third world country'." If they fall like flies and even the main character doesn't care, why should the reader?
2) Hes poor but has a secret base full of billions of dollars woth of equipment? Also hes super smart and a magical alchemist but can't figure out he should sell stuff? Doesnt even have to be weapons, he could sell tv's or even cars on the blackmarket. Nevermind the fact he can probably just turn fridges into gold.
3)He so paranoid he doesn't trust heroes or business transactions but immediatly gives a underground doctor all of his secrets? Even though it's totally unecessary and he gets nothing from it? Especially stupid when you know hes activally being blackmailed by Crow; a hero that maniuplates others and deals in secrets.
4)Please just name the third world country he comes from and give us a general idea of what life is like there. Stop saying "In the third world country he was from" its super offputting.
The writing has the subtlety and finesse of a bulldozer or, more simply stated, none at all. The dialogue also lacks any level of nuance, which appears to stem from a lack of experience with the English language. Another irksome aspect of this story is the most likely meaningless foreshadowing that feels like it was shoehorned in for the heck of it. Despite all that it’s a fun read and is overall similar to crude oil. It has potential but it lacks the refinement needed to reach that potential.
Based on the other reviews I wasn't expecting much from this (and this is the right approach to this story too, this is no masterpiece) the author likes to completely skip over any psychological or emotional shit and jump straight back into the action, as such it can be a bit of a dry read.
Our protagonist is bassically a mass murdering psychopath but unlike the title he's not really a supervillain, he's more of a supervigilante that is occasionally forced to do bad stuff to good people, but he avoids it where possible.
What I like is that our protagonist is fairly weak in the grand scheme of things, his physical capabilities are just within human limits, he wears some power armor that boosts him a bit but nothing too fancy, he's basically batman with guns and a penchant for murder; Living in a world like boku no hero academia or worm, where superpowers grow on trees, and every trope from vampires to dwarves and elves, exists somewhere.
The guy is an alchemist (fullmetal alchemist style) and an artificer/technomancer/inventor/... so his thing is more on the technological side, but besides one thing, he really hasn't managed to make any weapons that are too outrageous and as such is still, a human standing shoulder to shoulder with monsters and trying not to piss his pants while doing it. All he's got is a bit of gun fu, and armor that's not nearly thick enough.
He is a bit mentally deranged and it does make some sense... but it's pretty much glossed over how and why, and the result of this is that he's a bloodthirsty psycho that gets something sexual out of killing people.
There are also some plot holes right from the first chapter.
But I enjoyed it a lot, the weak vs strong theme is consistent, the protagonist is always surviving by the skin of his teeth while doing his best not to let anyone else know it, and I like reading about him getting out of one sticky situation after the other. But just like haterbaiter's hateful review stated, this story isn't very serious, so don't go in expecting that.
Everything would be great if it wasn't for the fact that he said he is poor as heck but he literally makes multimillion-dollar devices like the doctor said. Huge turn off for reading (not that way you dirty little minded reader you). That's it.
Many of the female characters were under developed and relationships forced. The grammar is atrocious. I'd put the grammar at sub sixth grade level. The biggest issue in grammar is the author’s misuse of words that refer to groups or multiple items such as: Luggage, Equipment, and Trash.
Examples: "Many Trash" "Equipments". English rules exceptions seem to badly throw the author. Also there are a lot of issues with was/were. Overall, the author needs an editor badly.
That being said it was a very good story. Great flow and kept you interested in what the MC was going to do next. I recommend it, but if you're a grammar Nazi, you're going to scream. As I said, I still recommend it.
Now then, to start off with I just want to say that this story has amazing potential. It has a great premise. However, there are several glaring issues that make it difficult to read. The main issues are Character Behavior, Grammar, World Building and Pacing.
First and foremost, the main character is either an obtuse idiot or they had brain damage even before their accident. They constantly talk about how poor they are and how they come from a "third world country," - which is all we get on that by the way, it's never elaborated on more than that it's just that, a third world country. Despite this, they have a hideout that's a total of three square kilometers filled with quote: "Hundreds of guns [of all kinds]," & "a quantum computer" - something that hasn't been truly achieved in real life today - that's only slightly less effective than the computer used by the Justice Leagu- I mean Hero Alliance. (More on that later). He also has numerous car and bug sized drones that can do almost anything and can be controlled by a spinal prosthetic more advanced than "anything on the market". This is without even mentioning their multitude of stashes locates throughout the city that all include one powersuit, three assault rifles, a couple pistols and a grenade launcher. The kid is sitting on enough tech and hardware to start a war and is apparently still "poor". This is never addressed either as far as I'm aware. They are also extremely paranoid and doesn't even trust a cashier clerk, but a Frog Faced Doctor with a questionable background, ties to the criminal underground and their only reason for being there in the first place being that they were blackmailed by Batm- er Batg- I mean Crow; the number two superhero. Despite that, Theo takes him to the heart of his operation and even lets him perform spinal surgery on him without anyone to stop if he decides to just kill him for his tech.
The point here is that the author just can't seem to make up their mind about how the character is supposed to behave. Are they a poor third world student in a first world school just trying to survive? Or are they a genius engineer who could build their own empire from a box of scraps? Are they a paranoid hermit who trusts no one-not even an average store clerk? Or are they someone who can trust easily on sight and let criminals operate on their spine? Just pick one already.
As for the second issue I mention initially, the grammar is all over the place. However, this can be forgiven because it seems that English isn't the author's first language. Still, many sentences, phrases, and the odd paragraph could use some refinement from an editor or two.
As for my third issue, I've made numerous references to it already. And that would be the fact that the world is a near carbon copy of the DC universe. There are obvious changes to avoid copyright issues but it's otherwise obvious. Omegaman is a Superman clone, as is Crow a clone of Batman. It's also stated that the world isn't just superpowers and bits of tech heroes, no no, it has the whole nine yards: Magic, Metas, Aliens, Demons, Angels, Gods and Highly Advanced Tech. Anyone who reads a lot of DC knows that they have all that as well, examples being Circi, The Flash, Superman, Raven, Wonder Woman and Batman respectively. But it doesn't stop there, the HAA, the Heroes Association Academy, is a blatant copy of the anime Boku No Hero's Academia's academy UA. It even goes so far as to partially include the quirks property of people being born with abilities for no explicable reason.
Now, that might just be overzealous speculation on my part or a blatant copy of DC and BNHA. Either way, it seems lazy and and unrefined as anything can be easily explained away.
As for my fourth and final issue, the pacing is off putting. The chapters are long and laborious to read due to their slow and meandering pace. This is mostly a fault of the explanations used when discussing Theo's tech. Several paragraphs alone were used just explaining his hideout and it's contents. Then there's the vast amount of knowledge that's sponges to the reader - some of which is unnecessary and could be seen as basic common sense/knowledge.
All in all, the story has potential. The issues however are too glaring and apparent for me to read any further. How these could be fixed? Well the first problem can be solved by just picking what the character is sticking to it. Constantly asking if their actions line up with the way they've been presented thus far. The second issue can be solved with a couple of proofreaders/editors. The first issue could also benefit from this. I'm sure there's someone here on RR that wouldn't mind helping out. The third issue will require some amounts of rewriting and brainstorming. I can't elaborate anymore on that one. As for the last issue, this agin can be helped by an editor/proofreader and also by chopping up the chapters into more parts. In spite of this, I still think this could be good or even a great read. It simply needs refinement, then it can be shining gem.
TLDR: Story is super clunky. Read if drunk and bored otherwise I would pass.
There is a good, maybe even great story here, but it's drowning in a pile of steaming shit. Other people have pointed out the many story and character problems here better than I ever could, but I still want to point out the major problem that made me drop this story:
A complete and total lack of anything resembling elegant flow. This is a web novel, so I'm not expecting some grand masterpiece written for all the heavens to adore. The world is interesting and while it could be improved, it's good enough to support a story. However, the writing and style portraying it are fucking terrible. I would come up with a better way of phrasing that, but I'm not putting in more effort into writing than the author into making his story flow.
Aside from that, the characters rarely ever feel real. They act just oddly enough that it ruins any sense of immersion. There is no one likable in this and rereading part of this while sober makes me more bewildered as to why I got so far. Grammar is pretty meh. The odd sentence structure and word order are not necessarily wrong, just awkward.
The only way this story gets any better then almost good enough to be called mediocre if it is heavily edited or just completely rewritten. Aside from that, I binged 75 chapters before I said "fuck it" and dropped it, so it can at least kill some time.
I went into this story assuming, like most people who read the first chapter, that it was going to be a serious story. It wasn't. This story was the sole reason I made an account. You have absolutely no idea how much I wanted to rate this .5 out of 5. (stopped reading at chapter 9)
Okay, into the good stuff:
-It starts off with the main character angry about his situation and pissed that the villainess he fought against in a mall got put into prison, and not sentenced to death or something worse. This is good, very good, in fact, I found myself looking forward to reading this steaming garbage fire after seeing the reasonable motivation for him to become a bad-ish person. This sets a tone for the rest of the story to follow, right? No, actually it doesn't, and while I may like this introduction, it pains me to see the lost potential and doesn't go at all with the rest of the story. (I read up to chapter 9)
-The grammar is pretty good.
-That's it... that's literally all the good in this garbage story.
-The MC. Everything about him sucks. First off, don't try and make your MC seem smart by making his powers revolve solely around his mind, and make everyone, aside from him and a few slightly important characters, retarded. Second, he's suffered the loss of limbs and brain damage, he shouldn't be this cheery murderer. HE SHOULDN'T FUCKING SAY "coz it's cool"! EVER! And finally, he's also, a dumbass. He trusts the doctor, who he knows jack-shit about, to do surgery on him. WTF? He's a 'genius' and can turn one material into another, has so much expensive equipment, but he's poor?
-He slaughters many, many people without a care in the world and none of the uptight moral-upholding people who know about it give a shit. If the lunch woman knows about what he did, then why don't any of the other people in this stupid world know?
-The author doesn't understand what a quantum computer is, which pisses me off.
-Now, this next point is not necessarily a bad point. There is magic, high tech shit, superpowers, and probably aliens too. Some of this stuff doesn't go with each other, but it's a common trope in comic books (DC and Marvel) which you drew inspiration from, probably, so it's not that big of a deal, but the worldbuilding is still non existent even when you count the fact that you didn't elaborate on how two things that shouldn't go together exist in this world.
-Most of the humor comes out as unfunny and stale. (This one's based around my tastes and isn't applicable to everyone)
-All the side characters are forgettable and have no personalities. For example the lunch lady: secret badass, who has a harem and was a mobsters daughter (I think), this is an important character and has no characterization aside from 2 joke qualities. He has a friend, whose name I don't remember who likes boys love manga... that's it. His other friend... exists? Ther's also that one, tabula rasa person who reads minds, and fought her own teammate for no reason at all... (Idk how else to describe her) is a girl... and has all the aforementioned qualities, which are all problems (being a tabula isn't one of them) in her characterization that I'm too tired to go into. I think I've gone through enough to show you how 2 dimensional the characters are and how they all fall flat.
Verdict: The Mc had Omni-gel to recover from brain damage, you don't! Don't read this...
Reviewed at chapter 94
So like the title says, I really want to like this story. I love superhero stories set in the modern day times and adding magic and supernatural beings into the mix sounds like a recipe for amazing, imaginative plot points and world-building. There are so many things you can do with this premise, it's actually crazy.
Unfortunately this is a recipe that only chefs that actually know what they're doing can pull off. And this author is definitely not one of them.
The author seems to have a fetish for anything with a hole wanting the protagonist to fill them up and this is simply indicative that he/she are hormonal children that just want to get their rocks off and write their fantasies out on 'paper' for the all the world to see, with no plans on improving their style and general skill of writing as I have seen very little to no improvement from the first chapter onwards.
The characters in this story are all entirely one-dimensional and seem to revolve around the protagonist. Very few of them have their own personalities, none of them being actually realistic.
Like I said in the first paragraph, this story has a lot of potential for amazing world-building. However, since this world has so much potential, it will need an equally large amount of imagination, creativeness and planning to pull off. The author seems to have a good imagination but the latter two fall short.
We're ninety-four chapters in and some of the factions have been explained and their histories unveiled to the reader, but the world itself, the limitations on physics, what is possible and what isn't, the potential of super powers, where they come from, how the supernatural beings came to be, even the protagonist himself's powers, how he uses them, his limitations... All of this has been left in the dark.
I've tried not to spoil anything as most of the other reviewers have already done, and thus this is my five cents...
just reading a few of the other reviews and decided to leave my own.
First, I want to address some of the stuff from the early chapters I have seen.
Theo had a metal ROD longed into his skull. It is CLEARLY stated that he has brain damage. On top of that his entire belief structure was destroyed all the while going through the PTSD of what just occurred. The doctor 'perhaps inadvertently' became the figure the reborn 'chick' attached to, as it were. Take note, Theo had believed he was going to be a superhero, he had his future planned out before it came crumbling down. (I believe the guns/weapons) were just a hobby of his.
Next is Theo lack of money BEFORE the story really kicked off. Logically. Theo is not going to SELL any of his 'secret lair' stuff. He was going to become a superhero. Who was he going to sell it too, bad guys? Or how about the good guys, who will ask questions as to where/how he came across such things. Which would spoil his plans for his future? So while he had all the goods, he had no clientele to sell it to.
Next, I will go into Theo 'murder boner'
BRAIN DAMAGE!!! Now, the story going well over a year, he could have 'healed' from this, but do not forget the doc kinda added a few things in there when he was applying the cyber spine to him. Add to the fact he took an incubus potion, and regularly get next to dead almost every arc (okay, I count 5 times, nuke incident when terminator landed, Juno almost cleaving him in half, TWICE when he overclocked himself to starvation/atrophy. Then the valkyrie incident.)
Now, there is a few things I think I find flaws in.
Well, the murder boner is one.
After he got revenge on the black bible cult, I think Theo desire to kill should lessen, not go away, but lessen. The reason for this, he got his revenge. He has got that peace of mind now. I think he should have turned more methodical and start looking into the bigger picture, instead of how to make bigger bloody pictures.
Next is his 'regular' boner.
First I get the 'bone it till she passes out' when the incubus potion was still active, and I get the 'training' = 'stamina' during it. But Theo is human, as human as 2 of his harem girls (well physically at least) is. So with ANY muscle that is used too much without rest it atrophy. Now, I get Theo has the energy bars perfect for army surplus, omnigel, and (later on) rejuvenation potions, BUT physically, there is just so much the human body can do. Every jerk off three times in a day and your nuts hurt for a week?
Lastly, I will say I love the story, I can see what it is for what it is. A parody mashup pointing at the best things of modern entertainment and say 'cause it's cool' while making fun of the lamer things. Overall a decent story, but the murder boner has gone on for a little too long. The mc needs to chill out (since the kids were born, be a perfect time to do so). Strap a vibrating dildo run by an archon battery up Juno's holes. Then start making a masterplan like a SUPERVILLAIN. When you head a 'now' global organization. Winging it is no longer a valid game plan.