A man died on a certain day after getting betrayed by the love of his life. Filled with regret he went to the underworld only to meet a reaper with the same circumstance, so the reaper gave him an offer, an offer for another chance a chance at reincarnation. Now reborn will he finally live his life without regret? or will he fall before the challenges?
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you need to use komma's "",,,,,,,"" like these, see?
you need to make your pauses and such obvious, or it won't be a real sentence with feeling in it. punctuation can change everything to a sentence.
a woman, without her man, is nothing
a woman; without her, man is nothing
same sentence, opposite meanings, all because of punctuation
This is a power fantasy novel in desperate need of an editor. The story does the Arifureta thing, where the MC suffers a fundamental betrayal, but manages to do so without turning the caracter into a caricature.
The issue is just about everything else. The characters are not well developed, and the grammar and spelling mistakes, as well as the odd sentence structure and confusing dialogue makes following the story nearly impossible.
With a little judicious editing and more focus on the characters, as opposed to a recitation of events, this could be an above average power fantasy story
Look, I think the story could be interesting. But who is talking? There is no indication, you need to take it all from context. This needs to be edited... or just re-written. Maybe write out the full word, instead of using a letter? I read "fuck u" and I thought.... nah.
So, thirst of all, thank you for sharing your story.
But Dude, the pace of the story is like: Born, got power, saw a girl, got mire power, more girls, learnt easely what I wanted, etc.
I'm astonished that by the end of chapter 13 he's not allready an old man dying.
Try to give the story a little more context. I know OP MC's are a thing, but write at least some more how he's trying.
Got Swords easy, check. Got magic easy, check. Got Blacksmithing easy, check.
You see, there is not a single thing that makes him or his journey interesting.
I wanted to leave a good review after seeing all of the bad ones, because I find this story is very fun. I don't want you to just see these bad reviews and feel your story isn't worth writing. Because it is. It is worth writing, and I very much want to see you continue writing it.
Your problems revolve around your inexperience in writing. A number of things include the passivity of your writing, where the story is leading the characters instead of the characters leading the story, as well as the lack of depth in certain areas. I don't want to comment muhc more on your faults in writing, as I very heavily believe in an author meandering their way through it themselves. Finding your own grounding and originality is always much better then other people telling you how you should write.
But ignoring these faults your story is very fun, and I really did enjoy it. You write in a mature way. You're willing to broach many kinds of topics, but you don't forcefully dwell on them like other writers. You approach polygamy naturally without needing to force society's current stance on relationships into the story. People seem to forget that polygamy was an accepted practice up until very recently (now it isn't accpeted, just practiced).
Your romance is also quite nice, especially with 'Blue' who is undoubtedly the most memorable - and also the most 'romantic' in many ways. While their relationship was fast, Blue and the MC came together and fell in love rather naturally. I think you should really consider this specific relationship a good standing point for your romance.
One thing I want to mention is the influx of women. I'd prefer it if you focus in on the women your story currently has and have them grow with the main character. I always find it dissapointing when the main love interests become a backdrop instead of a focus, but this is my personal opinion.
Please keep at it. You have a lot of potential as an author, you're only lacking experience. I'm looking forward to more :)
The writing style is simple and rather awkward to read, typo's, mis-used words, and a very cliched storyline combine to make this rather painful to read at this point.
Introduce some kind of negative plotlines to your story as at the moment it is simply reincarnation + dual wield + mage + 110000 ridiculous luck, which has all been done before.
Also, getting a proof reader wouldn't hurt as it currently looks like you wrote this on the worlds tiniest keyboard and never bothered to go back to edit any mistakes.
The general idea and direction of the story are pretty good, however that word "general" is the issue here. Too much of the story is glossed over with barely any attention to detail. The worldbuilding is nonexistent
The storys way to fast paced skipping months and years with out details of whats going on and randomly desiding character relations without so much as a preview or any foreshadowing
Edit ill revise and rewrite this as the story goes
I find it an a very good storyline and character build. One of the better storys i read here. Just the grammar needs to improve. Defenatly needs a editor or proofreader.
Ok first thing first, i read only ten chapthers it was as far i was able to endure this "novel".
Let's say the story had some potential but the atrocious lazy writing killed any willingness left in me to endure it, the only two things i liked about the story was the poorly written prologue and the monster bag idea(naturally he did not expand on the bag idea).
The author need to slow down, find an editor and expand his descriptions:things in general,relationships,locations,characthers, battle scene,magic, training ecc...