Conflicted Feelings

Conflicted Feelings

by G_Adeline

What does it mean to be loved?

What does it mean to be their parents’ everything?

What does it mean to be someone’s home?

Erminae didn’t really know. It wasn’t for the lack of trying. But, she thought with envy, wasn’t it just what Vicenzio had?

She saw her mother’s indifference, saw her father’s unresponsiveness. Whoever she tried hard to get close to the result was the same. She was but air for them.

She saw that woman came in with her son. She saw him get what she always desired.

Her jealousy turned her into another person, an ugly one, blinding her to other possibilities.

And ultimately, she understood, what she was searching for she would never get. This was when she finally learned to let go…

 

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G_Adeline

G_Adeline

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Wonderful depth of emotion

Adelaide, I really do love this.  Erminae's emotions are so strong and well written.  You suck me into the story really well, and I really feel like I understand her and emphathize with her pain.  This is something that a lot of people struggle with, and I love how you are using your fiction to place yourself in their shoes.  She has so much depth in her fear about her mother's death and the way that she completely shuts herself away.

One suggestion that I would offer is to use more showing and less telling.  You tell us a lot about Erminae: her past, her family, her home, etc. but you have to be careful, because spending so long talking about that often bores readers.  I think it might be best for you to consider introducing these details as the story goes on.  We don't have to know everything, and starting right in the middle of things can often help the reader to be more hooked.  Sometimes, the details in the beginning will come in later, and sometimes they won't- you get to decide what's relevant.

I'm super excited to keep reading!  Good luck!

(And kudos on your synopsis, it hooked me really well)