King of the Mountain

by tenqui

Original COMPLETED Adventure Contemporary Fantasy LitRPG Magic Male Lead

Normal over 30 science teacher is "abducted" and tested by the GREAT GAME as a beta trial inductee. The GREAT GAME will eventually be implemented and remake the world.  Our protagonist however is the only one that actually passes the beta test, which was not designed to be survivable, through sheer dumb luck and thus has an extreme head start on all other citizens of Earth.  Follow the journey of our hero as he tries to walk a thin line between preparing to save as much of his family and friends as possible while also trying to make sure that he will have enough power to make other people do most of the work while remaining safe and sound.

Poor guy is just a proto-hermit who wants to be left alone but also realizes the importance of others and family.  The new reality just complicates things. 

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Table of Contents
Chapter Name Release Date
Prologue - My Not So Simple Life ago
1 - Is This Real? ago
2 - Reality Hurts, Make It Stop! ago
3 - Goodbye Steve ago
4 - Fire Burns ago
5 - The End Of Beta ago
6 - Making Plans ago
7 - Making Money ago
8 - It's Only Stealing If You Are Caught ago
9 - Stealing The World ago
10 - Latin Love ago
11 - Prepping For The Change Over ago
12 - Magic Weapons ago
13 - Dungeons Can Be Fun ago
14 - Meeting the Lich ago
15 - Death Of The Lich ago
16 - Leaving Biltmore ago
17 - Hidden Valley Village ago
18 - Credit Cards ago
19 - Bloodlines ago
20 - Dragon Hunting ago
21 - The Final Dragon Challenge ago
22 - Heading Home ago
23 - Royalty Of The Kingdom ago
24 - The World Changes ago
25 - The Kingdom Grows Quickly ago
26 - Oh Right Monsters Exist Now ago
27 - I find Out I Am Not as Smart As I Think I Am ago
28- My First Minister ago
29 - Want Ad ago
30 - Money Troubles ago
31 - Making Hard Decisions ago
32 - Hiring People Is Fun To Do ago
33 - Guarding the Kingdom ago
34 - Scavengers Go! ago
35 - Stealing the World (Again) ago
36 - The Strangest Meeting (I screwed up) ago
37 - The Return ago
38 - The New Government ago
39 - Free At Last ago
40 - Training Montage (My Dumb Luck) ago
41 - Spiders, Spiders, Everywhere ago
42 - How Big Can It Get ago
43 - The End Of The Warrens ago
44 - Life Moves On Without Me ago
45 - My New Lairs ago
46 - Machu Picchu ago
47 - Something Familiar ago
48 - My Plans Never Work ago
49 - Family Bonding Time ago
50 - I Wish I Had A Green Thumb ago
51 - Unexpected Training Opportunity ago
52 -I Abuse The Great Game System (Powerup) ago
53 - OP Thy Name Is Mark ago
54 - I Trick The Idiots ago
55 - New Comer’s Tournament Domination ago
56 - The Start Of The Single's Tournament ago
57 - Becoming Single's Tournament Champion ago
58 - Team Tournament Time ago
59 - Wrapping Up The Team Tournament ago
60 - Moving On ago
61 - Selecting A New Planetary Leader ago
62 - The Top 4 Candidates ago
63 - Finishing Up My Earthly Duties ago
64 - Newbie Again? ago
65 - The Long Road Ahead ago
66 - Dwarven Rescue ago
67 - Cementing New Alliances ago
68 - Forward Base Secured ago
69 - Time Holds No Meaning ago
70 - New Planets? ago
71 - 100 Years Of Preperation ago
72 - Points Yes, Level No ago
73 - The LOOONG Grind ago
74 - The Pirate Isles ago
75 - Resupply And A Final Goodbye ago
76 - Zone 10 ago
77 - Changing The Game ago

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Author's note from chapter 30 was the last nail in the coffin for this one. Up until then I was still hoping that some of the initial creativity would come back, fulfilling the potential that the first few chapters promised. But no, the author actually wrote that getting an unpolished version out fast is more important than actual quality. And that said quality will later be added, like an afterthought.

The problem with this is simply the fact that the story doesn't really have trouble with small, easily fixable things, no. It's the structure of it that is lacking. There is no character building beyond statistics. Well, there is hardly any character at all: even the MC is just a cardboard cutout with a couple of grainy pictures pinned on it to add color, the rest are just placeholders. No personality traits. No quirks. No anything. I mean, a whole village from another world was basically summoned by the MC, who actually expected a culture shock. But there was no evidence of it in the actual events: the MC had an extended bus ride with these villagers, but no conversation happened at all. Nor was any alluded to. Come to think of it, in the story the only conversations that seem to actually happen are those that are actually shown - nothing happens in the background, at least not in regards to the MC. But what we do see from him is nowhere detailed enough to actually justify this.

Then there is the story, first is an overreliance of luck and deus ex machina. Then there is the fact that the author doesn't seem willing to do even the base research needed for some of the topics he mentioned.

For example he created firearms, completely based on magic. He actually declared that he didn't know firearms and that readers should chalk up any discrepancies to "magic"...

Yeah, no one can be knowledgeable about everything, but we live in the age of google. And even if he didn't want to do extensive research, he could have created a system that at least doesn't look like wand waving. I mean, from a purely logical viewpoint, firearms are simply delivery systems designed to withstand the violent release of energy stored in bullets up until then. It is a wasteful system: any energy that goes into the kickback or gets absorbed by the weapon itself is lost, when looking at it from the bullet's point of view.

And the weapon system he created was based on wind magic - air pressure, basically. There was no explanation on the exact method, most likely because there was no exact method created. Just a placeholder. Again. So, all we have to go on are the results:

Repeater firearms, which don't loose power on subsequent shots, that still retain insane bullet speeds. That do not jam - evidently, because they are not first versions. No, the MC, all on his own, rapid developed and tested a completely new type of weapon system, using some sort of untested and - once again - unexplained enchanting system.

How do they store pressurized air, do they even store it, or are they just rapidly pulling in some? What are the limits, how many shots can be fired? How fast? How much mana do they need? Does the weapon itself store mana, or is it a permanent effect? How is it balanced? If anyone can create permanent effect enchanted items that ignore energy costs, how come no one had defenses against it? And in the first place, how were his guns so effective?

He took down dragons with them. He managed to create a weapon that used hardly any mana in the grand scheme of things, given his low level, that used indirect and thus imperfect energy delivery methods - see above - to easily take down high level monsters. Again, balance, anyone?

And this is just an example of this kind of thinking. Wand waving for the "win"!

And the events all feel like the MC is just doing chores. Hardly any emotional attachment, hardly any chance for the reader to get immersed.

The final verdict: a good idea wasted on sloppy background work. At least the grammar isn't terrible.

  • Overall Score

A poor man's "Defective Hermit"

The idea behind this is pretty good. It is a good one. It takes the beaten down "world becomes like a game" but detracts from the mindless action and focuses on the building, preparation, adapting and so forth.

The problem lies in the execution. 


First of all, what bothered me the most was a pet peeve of mine and it isn't really a negative thing. It just bothers me personally. The "gag mc". You replace personality with constant joke and gag-humor inner monologues instead of having to write actual emotions.

The first real problem, imo, is that everything happens as if it was a bullet point presentation. "This happens, then the MC goes to X place and does this. He gets what he wants, goes back and starts doing this. After he is done, he does that". There is very little actual description of how things happen. This also leads to several inconsistencies that never get adressed. 

When you make a game system novel, you have to pay attention to consistency. The rules that you create, the value of the numbers and so forth. That goes out of the window very quickly by the MC developing skills off-screen that never get explained or even named, Titles that the MC gets left and right with no description of what they do other than the name and the author just throwing bonuses left and right without you even knowing where they come from.

Now, in comes the biggest problem. Everyone other than the MC might as well be an wallpaper. The "system" in this novel, uses the measure of "confusing the minds" of the ordinary people in order to avoid a hassle for the MC.

Example: The MC loses weight and gets in shape because of the stats he gained. The "system" confuses the mind of people around him and close to him (like his daughter) and makes them think his diet and work-out are paying off. 

The MC suddenly starts to get millions and millions of dollars. The system not only gets rid of all the pesky bureocracy stuff like taxes, where the money comes from, IRS investigations but it also "confuses" people into thinking that it is perfectly reasonable for a teacher to suddenly get this kind of money with some "I invested in the stockmarket" excuse. 

Even when the "game" finally starts, there is very little in the way people close to the MC react. Everyone really takes the whole thing on a stride.

Now here is why this idea of the author is a bad thing. It completely gets rid of what a lot of people read those novels for: Reactions. There are none. The novel takes it away from you entirely. 

Tl;DR: The two biggest flaws of this novel are: Too fast paced. Everything happens one after the other with little description or explanation. You are just bombarded with info-dumps.

Too many cheap and lazy replacements for actual writing. Everyone has almost no personality or character because they were basically mind-fucked into idiots by the game system in the initial chapters, which should have been used to build the characters. Even after that, they just get everything handed out to them by the MC one after the other with little to no reaction. Rules, skills, titles and stats just get skipped or made up each chapter. 

  • Overall Score

Thirty-five chapters of the author telling us all the things he'd do in a contrived apocalypse of his own design. Poorly done wish fulfillment, de-rec. 

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Story is pretty dope, looking forward to the continuation and hopefully it'll reach the ending and won't be suddenly dropped because I actually like this one out of all the other ones out there. 

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  • Style Score
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The story is not bad on itself and the idea (albeit cliched) is done in an interesting fashion.

The style is ok, more like a description from the MC of what happens with very little detail to anything else. It never deviates form the MC and is always in a sort of an internal monologue of sorts. He describes things happening but with almost no detail (ch37) example: daughter comes back, had a tearful reunion but nothing else, no demonstration of fear/relief/etc from both, no expression from the characters. Is not bad for a first time story and very useful to relate several events in little time.

The story as i said is cliched but with an interesting twist, he was a beta tester and all of that, he prepared several things from before and the system let the people feel ok with the changes. He calls mercenaries to help with his kingdom and show him the ropes. There is nothing incredible but it's normal and good.
My only complaints are about his weapons (waaaay to cheaty the mana grenade launcher) and the gold/money transformation. At the rate he is going will end broke in less than a year, why pay that much to mercs, to looters (10 gold per looter means 1.000.000 per 5-man team plus the 10% plus teleportation scrolls and expenses, waay to much money poorly used). Well you get the point, as that there are several other poorly balanced points but you can ignore it and follow the story.

The characters. Sadly in here i have to complain about the plainness of the characters. The MC is 2.5D and the rest are blanks, you read them talking with no expressions or moving but have no idea of who they are.

The grammar is so far perfect so 5 starts.

Overall a nice story that can improve. If you need ideas of what to do you may read The Defective Hermit. The story is close to this and could help you for story, as far as characters and expressions there are several excelent novels that you could imagine the characters and you could try to copy that style.

  • Overall Score

Spoiler Review (maybe)

Title: King of the Mountain

Genre: Fantasy
Protagonist: a guy who rely on weapons he made himself to fight. mostly guns. a divorced guy with one child. a daughter. strength around rank S or higher.
Setting: modern world going apocalypse.
Tension Level: Mid

Basic Premise: the world is going to get some apocalypse. and some people were chosen to be beta testers. and only the MC passes the beta test. so, after the test, he set up a kingdom while preparing for apocalypse that will happen 1 year later by going to dungeons, making weapons, and recruiting people for his kingdom.

Chapter COntent: about how mc prepare for apocalypse, clearing dungeons, leveling ups, making the kingdom better, training, fighting, figuring things out, etc.

Personal Opinion: even though some chapters were short, even though there's some chapters I don't like (like how the mc going around the world looting jewelry stores. it's boring). I like the novel itself. I also like how some things were shortened. like several weeks in dungeon only described in 3 chapters. I hate needlessly long fights and chapters.

  • Overall Score

This is definitely one of my favorite fictions. I'm pretty upset that its over, and am excited for any eventual sequels.

Mighty Moushie
  • Overall Score

Excellent story overall. Very few grammatical errors, and the story flows really well. It seems a slight bit rushed at the end, but I'm glad there was timeskips and summaries of grinding instead of trying to describe everything. Looking forward to other works.

  • Overall Score

Exactly what I was looking for

I found this story when I was looking for a post-apocalyptic story that wasn’t too dark. And that’s exactly what I found. I can’t explain exactly why I liked this story so much.  There are many things this story doesn’t have, such as character development or much depth in general but somehow it still managed to drag me in and not let me go till I had finished. This isn’t a masterpiece but if you are looking for a nice and light post-apocalyptic novel I think this is what you are looking for too.

  • Overall Score
  • Style Score
  • Story Score
  • Grammar Score
  • Character Score

This story is generally great, especially the beginning was really fun.

But it got hollow, it became a narration of what cool thing happen without fleshing those out. 90% of the story is narration in the style of an inner monologue either planning things or recapping what happened.

And that is what it feels like, like a recap not like a story, there is almost no dialogue, an interaction between characters almost always only gets described on a meta-level but never happens.
Even the dialogue present, are mostly integrated into a meta/recap style description and not a full fletched conversation.

I don't think there were more than a handful situations where there were emotions in character interactions. Simple things like "answered while looking down meekly" go a long way.

Point being you really need to work on giving the characters and interactions more depth and spend more time with interactions even if "the in story time frame" is quite large.

I was quite disappointed that neither after the great tournament nor after his long absence, or the "big" goodbye there was no meaningful interaction with his daughter shown.
Barely some sidenotes of "she got a family and she will work hard to reach the new planet" no emotion at all.

The grammar, on the other hand, is great though there were quite some simple tipping mistakes like missing a letter which could have been easily fixed with e.g Grammarly.

In conclusion, while my 3star score is rather low I still like your story but I also see wasted potential. So I hope that this review can help you develop your next story to its full potential.
Please don't let my or other peoples negative reviews stop you from writing.
I really think your story(s) has great potential in its content and just needs work on the technique and implementation.