Luck Lockyer was the type of man to smirk in the dark, the expression not for anyone but himself. One of perpetual amusement. The bright side of things were hard to find in the shade yet his amber eyes were always searching. The smirk was his default, he knew it, his friends knew it, his family knew it. It was his most natural state.
But the death of everyone close to you can affect a downwards curve on the mouths of even the most stoic people.
Without purpose, without anyone to do the job for, Luck Lockyer found himself inside an empty forgotten church. The perpetual smirk on his face had slipped to a thin line, his scar more noticeable now than ever before. His amber eyes, the windows to his soul, dull and lifeless. To anyone who knew him, it was the clothing that gave away his mental state, denim pants and a plain black t-shirt. If that wasn't enough, the tears running down his face certainly would, the echoing sobs of a broken man rang across the rundown church.
It was on a whim, but Luck Lockyer prayed, he prayed for many things, for death, revenge, friends, but the one prayer dominating his thoughts, a second chance for his family.
That was all he wanted. Simple.
It was then, on the outskirts of a polluted city, in an abondoned lot, in a forgotten church that Luck Lockyer, the Devil of the Cards, the Bloodless Hand, the Amber Demon, the Broken, was answered by a being from another world and one from his.
*found the picture online
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I quite enjoyed this series so far, especiallly the prologue and the first chapter. They are what really hooked me. I'm no professional editor, but I've read allot of novels on this website, and your writing style is definitely top percentile. But not perfect, but that means you have space to improve. I will try to keep this review short, as you've only just begun, and I'm honestly just here to clear the air.
So I'll start with the good stuff. Warning, I'm much better at criticising than complimenting (hey! I'm being honest!), and anyway, I'm sure you have plenty of readers who write inane things like "First!" or "Thanks for the chapter!" or call you the epitome of writing, the king of light novels, the arch duke of world building, and so on and so forth, all while frantically mashing their eager, sweaty faces against the 5 star rating button. More than enough to boost your ego to space and beyond, so I'll just say this: I enjoy your writing style, your story, and especially the way in which powers were parcelled out in the first chapter. The whole card game really had my engines revving up for this novel. There. Now onto the good part.
I think a large issue so far is the way you write social interactions between between characters, especially between Luck and Ace. Their talks don't always feel very natural, and Ace seems to fill in the role of a butler rather than a friend. I wouldn't mind if he was one, but Luck apparently wants him as a friend, so let us be consistent. Ace's character could use some fleshing out, as it is currently much harder to connect with him or sense his motivations for doing things compared to Luck. So far he seems just to be Luck's puppet, if a quiet and deadly one.
Now the main reason I decided to write this review was when I reached the end of chapter 11, it hit me. Luck Lockyer had effectively become a god.
Ever since he picked up his magical tarrot cards, like many other novels on RR, he went from 0 to hero in basically 2 chapters. He's just become too powerful, too fast. Any adversity he faces won't feel real to me, just small pebbles to be booted aside as he swaddles along on his path. Let us count his abilities so far.
MASSIVE SPOILERS AHEAD!
- Time control (for now he can stop time with a thought, but what next?)
- a storage device/house that might as well be infinitely large (not to mention the time dilation) with an advanced AI operating it
- Superior thought speed and other cybernetic brain enhancement shenanigans
- the power to talk to and control animals to a certain extent, and take ont their properties
- the power to talk to and control trees to a certain extent
- Can speak and understand any language like a native.
- An extremely detailed map of the world, with a few blind spots.
- Earth elemental affinity, basically he's an earth mage.
- Nature elemental affinity, basically he's a druid.
- Superior speed, reflexes and instincts from being trained as some kind of child assassin since birth.
- Am I missing any? I'm probably missing a few. You get the idea.
Now, give a main character one of these powers, and I'd say he's off to a strong start.
Give him two, and I'd say you're pushing it a bit, now he's kind of over powered and hit nat 20's on his rebirth re-rolls.
But you thought, nonononono that won't do. You had all these cool abilities and ideas bouncing around in your head, and instead of parcelling them out between different characters, maybe keep some for another MC in another novel, you decide to just pour your whole dump truck of abilities on this one guy. Now he's an amalgamation of different abilities, and monstrosity of disturbing proportions. I've counted 11, but who knows, by the time you're reading this, he'll probably have doubled that number the way this is going. He'll have an extra pair of arms; a hat that tells him when people lie and what they had for brunch 3 years and 6 days ago; a mount that can phase through walls and farts lighting; the ability to teleport at will as long as he's crossing his eyes and thinking indecent thoughts; a cloak that let's him go invisible, complete with magical death defying forehead scar and a mysterious stone that does backflips when you're not looking. Oh and perhaps a magical sniper, so he can 360 no scope the baddies into the next dimension.
The only thing now that will make me feel the slightest modicum of fear for Luck is if he faces off against:
A being made of pure fire who can move through time at will, who can prevent others from using portals to pocket dimensions, who can think and operate so fast that he makes Luck look like he's using Bing. A being who can match Luck in a game of wit, who's slight of hand game is so strong he stole Luck's breath away and who can mix a drink so well it'll taste like God himself spat in your mouth. A being who was also trained in martial arts since birth, who has dual Elemental Affinity for Paper and Oil Spills, oh and I forgot Luck has a super man-eating cat, so my guy's pet is Clifford the Big Red Dog.
Also his name is something like "Misfortune", or "Anti-Luck", "Nega-Luck", "Kcul Reykcol", or any suitable arch nemesis-like name.
Then, and only then, will Luck know the true meaning of pant wetting fear. But I wouldn't be surprised if someone writes a novel on RR with exactly this nemesis as the main character.
Anywho, keep up the good work, give your future characters a bit more space to grow, and for the love of all that is holy, don't create a patreon before having written at least 100 chapters.
Honestly, I'm not quite sure what to think about this. The main character is a mobster Lucky Luke alike that gets transmigrated into another world after his family gets assassinated in a mob conflict.
He makes the decision that his new life is to be spent helping people. But before the transmigration really commences he plays some sort of chose your own adventure power lottery with the God of Reincarnation, cheating his way into super powers.
At that point I was about to quit the story, but it does get better. He actually follows up on his conviction to help people, solves problems and doesn't actually want particularly epic rewards for it.
In a lot of ways this reads more like a Travel story of old, where the heroic explorer learns more about strange cultures and on occassion helps the primitives with their problems or ends some vile robbers.
For all that it sounds rather paternalistic, it makes for an appealing story imho.
The characters could have done with a few less powers to make the challenges they face actual challenges. Right now they feel a bit like tourists drifting through a world that is below their level. It's probably not a problem if you focus on the travel journal aspects and explore the alien cultures of the fantasy world, but it's somewhat detrimental for the tension curve.
The dialogue is awkward. People just don't speak to each other the way that they do in this novel.
Luck's eyes sparkle more than Dumbledores, and you'll never be in danger of forgetting what color they are.
Luck is entirely too competent, too kind, and has a dark backstory that resembles an action B movie. He also has too many different powers.
All that being said, I'm still gonna read it. It's fun enough. The author's newest story is looking much better than this one as well, so go check it out.
The main character is a stylish gangster with a good heart. The story pays special attention to detail and ambience. With much of the story giving of a fairly consistent vibe of relaxed, cool, and competent. The action scenes are well written. The main character travels with competent allies, and it doesn't look like he'll be leaving them behind because they are too weak. I'm pretty oblivious when it comes to what makes a good character, but these seem to behave consistent with their established personalities, and are interesting. The pacing is good with a mix of fast and slow.
My biggest complaint is the story feels heavy handed. The author uses lots of detail, but for me it's lacking subtly or internal consistency and synergy or something. I think part of it is the MC's character is annoying to me, he's ALWAYS posturing and trying to act cool. Other parts of the story are over the top as well, like the larger than life world setting. Stuff like the cities supposedly all months of travel apart from each other, but the MC does it all in a couple days by blindly stumbling through an unending series of fortunate encounters. This does get a bit better around chapter twelve though, where I think the author started to settle into the story.
The grammar isn't too bad, there's the occasional misused word and typo. More annoyingly, the sentence structure can be pretty bad at times, and I'll have to re-read the section. The author seems to like using description to set the mood of a scene and sometimes it ends up being extraneous and interfering with the flow of the story. I think the story, and probably the writer as well, could improve quite a bit from some professional editing.
This story struck a nerve with me, I'd this were a book I would've finished it already, this is the kind of story that is hard to put down.
Eloquent author, good character building, good world building- even though I feel there should and will be a lot more coming - fantastic setting.
I very much enjoy the length of the chapters and found the prologue intriguing. I personally believe that the tags, the reviews, the rating and the synopsis should give you an idea where that story is heading. In this case the prologue was like a prequel movie, getting you into the mood and hungry for so much more.
Thank you for the story so far!
Can I just say how much of an amazing book this is? It's amazing, it really is. I know professional world class authors who can story build better than you and over arching plot design that takes in every little detail and factors it it to something later like a perfect puzzle piece at a level you are not at yet. That have had years to make the most in depth and unique characters that you haven't been able too yet, but where you shine, is when you paint a picture with words it's like Da'Vinci himself has come back from the dead and has his hand with yours as you paint these beautiful vivid landscapes and situations with so much depth that I can picture them with crystal clarity. Can taste the smell of mouth watering food on my tongue, can feel the frostbite on my skin, as if I was really there, and that, that Is a truly rare gift. A gift that I thank you for sharing with me.
With a few good editing passes I could definitely see this getting turned into a proper book. That or a D&D campaign setting. Worth noting that it's pretty light on the Litrpg side so far, more following the Isekai/rebirth side of things.
Style: You don't often see this sort of writing style on here, lots of similies, tons of adjectives, a big focus on describing nature and characters, which on the whole works extremely well for the story, and is enjoyable to read. My only criticism on style is that sometimes the descriptions can be too much, and I found myself skimming over a paragraph or two of it fairly often. (Also, the MC has amber eyes, I get it, you can just call them "eyes" now and then)
Story: It's a bit early to judge the story, good seeds are being sown, but it's hard to tell exactly what the overall plot is. Points mainly for an interesting world and chapters that actually feel like chapters in a book: long, with a beginning, middle and end.
Grammar: ... < Here, I think you dropped these.
...,,,,...... < And these.
.........,,,,,....,,,,,...,,,;;...;.,,,,:.... < And all of these.
The grammar is overall not great. The first chapter has a ton of malformed sentences, and while it improves a lot in the first few chapters, the writing still has quite a few run-on sentences and "accidentally a word" type problems. Keep going to chapter 3 at least before you get turned off by the grammar.
Character: The characters are great. Honestly not sure what else to say about them, they're just entertaining to read. (Though the constantly smirking trait is one thing I could really live without.) The dialogue is a bit odd, best comparison I can think of is shakespearian/Bible dialogue, in the sense that actual people don't talk like that, but it still sounds really good.
Overall, it's definitely worth a read, though honestly I don't think much is lost by just skipping over the first chapter.
Don't be fooled by the weird title of the book. The book is well written with a good story that would get you hooked and encourage you to binge read.
Characters so far have thier own depth, but the story is still in it's early phases .
The world building is really good, one among the best I have come across in RRL. Has a good standard.
Grammar is good and has no major faults per say. Although occasionally certain sentences might give ambiguous notions.
The nuances and elements of the setting are well explained and together the story makes it a pleasant and good read.
Can't wait to see more of Luck, his family and Ace surviving against the odds!
This novel is a very recommendable on for a few things, I will not extend myself much but mainly I will say:
The characters of the story are what gives it its meaning and richness.
Spoilers apart, as in every other story this is about a journey, a learning process and a self-discovery for the hero or MC. And the author seems to now and show very well the process
The MC is ahead of the others but the author has shown skills to improve on to the others on due time.
The connection with his family, his values and the new discoveries is good balanced and very inspiring.
Regarding style, grammar and the trope I will leave to others with more knowledge. The meassege, meaning and philosophical quality is what I can appreciate here.
There are not many chapters, but they are long ones. I'm enjoying the story a great deal.
Main character is likable, follows the Gentleman Rogue trope a great deal.
The only real downside is that there isn't more of it. Author, write faster!