Tremors Of Time: Spirit Gauntlet

Tremors Of Time: Spirit Gauntlet

by Taius

Alex Wiler the last son of twenty siblings, his father is the CEO of  Wiler Real estate multi millionaire, his mother died in childbirth. He lives his life like a robot going through the motions meeting friends, going to college but he feels like he hasn't found a goal in life that his life is devoid of color. Until the CEO of Arron Kin created possibly the best game of the century, Choices Online is that good in the opinions of many. Alex Wiler starts the game and soon finds out that it is the game was more than it seemed that it could possibly hold trove criminal secrets. With the help of countless others and a lone investigator watch as Alex wiler becomes the Unraveler of secrets and the strongest Spirit.

  ENJOY

 

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Author
Taius

Taius

Ruler of Kin

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drakan_glasses BE NICE! Fair critique is fair, but be respectful & follow the review rules. There will be no mercy.
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Maromar
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Admirable, keep going.

The life of an author is one of constant learning, and I welcome Taius heartidly, it is important to know that this is meant to be constructive, not dismissive or derisive. Below is advice to be considered or thrown away freely.

Makin is Better Then Breakin has an alluring premise, one that has the potential to strike a chord in those who enjoy pieces like Sword Art Online, that said, the text has a long way to go. 

Script (commonly referred to as greentext nowadays) style isn't an issue in an of itself. The work at hand however, needs serious polish. It subjugates itself to head talker syndrome, uncomfortably long spaces where one character speaks to the other with a dearth of description or nonverbal communication going around. Secondly, the content as presented is rather sparse. In many places, a little bit of prose could draw a lot of reader interest, like a semi-detailed description of the VR start up process followed by an internal narrative tract of Alex's feelings. What does he feel, smell and hear? What is opinion about his surroundings and can he relate it to other experiences? These things are instrumental in building rapport with readers.

For style examples written in script form, I would recommend Othello, The Crucible, and 12 Angry Men, the latter of which I found a pdf for on the top of Google's results page. Simply nix references to a stage, curtains and etcetera, and maintain spaced paragraphs.  

On another case, the grammar can use help across the board. Comma placement, tense shifts and run-ons abound. This is becoming a trend with RRL fiction, I see. There are many free resources one can obtain through a few quick web searches.  

That being said, the character building and story craft thus far isn't bad per se. I just wish there was more content per chapter. Much of the little points made can be expanded upon, the buds are already there, all that needs to be done is to comb through the story from the beginning to apply a bit of growth formula. 

The characters aren't caricatures, they display emotion and interact in ways that don't immediately break the willing suspension of disbelief, or come across as bland. This is something I wish there was more of in other fics, major props for that. As long as they can maintain consistency (NOTE: this doesn't mean neglect development, just make it rational) I can only see the character score increasing from here, the same thing goes for the story. 

Keep writing. Never give up. Punch naysayers in the teeth. 

Tel
Overall

Choices Online the latest and greatest Vrmmo with more hype than conspiracy laiden internet meme's gone viral.

Your every choice matters and can make or break your gameplay.

And your very first defining choice?

>Race : Human

>Race : Elf

>Race : Dwarf

>Race : Random Currently Locked Race

Which do you choose Alex?

- Random

Your Race is ########

- I'm WHAT?!?!?