by D.N. Kato
- Sexual Content
- Traumatising content
Update as of January 2021: For the foreseeable future, this story will not receive any updates. This may change in the future when and if I decide to revisit it or re-write the story.
-ARC 1 Synopsis-
The Drauveux Empire, after a history of persecuting and hunting non-humans, slowly lumbers to ruin at the hands of an influential and corrupt noble house.
The empire stands as a hollow shell of its former self, and its ruling House of Eskira hovers on the brink of extinction. The first princess, a target of the nobility, is betrayed by her own guards.
Fleeing from their pursuers, Rose Eskira and her companion, Mira Revant escape into the forest. Alas, they’ve run from the wolf, straight into the lion’s den. The forest hides a cold truth; shrouding the ones that lurk in the dark.
In their effort to escape, they meet Zeluhn, a demon beast thought to be an ancient myth. Igniting a chain of events, set to change the world forever.
-ARC 2 Synopsis-
The Empire is in chaos. The citizens believe the Lady Regent dead in the flames on that fateful day. Dioman Tudor takes the reins, and styles himself an Emperor-to-be. The Knights of the Falchion resists the illegitimate upsurper as the guardians of the Old Capital.
In the shadows, there are unseen hands at work. The Goetia Mandate is about to march their banners upon the Northlands, under the Lord Drakaina's leadership alongside the Demon Council. Albreda Wolfstone is on the cusp of reclaiming her birthright. The relationship between man and demon remains strained as ever.
In the midst of the chaos, a demonic will exerts her influence over the continent of Drauveux.
Disclaimer: This is a work in progress.
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You've done well establishing conflict and a faulty political system within the world of your story. Your character's backstory and status allows for us to realistically expect them to provide change for their kingdom, and keeps us intrigued on how the main characters will develop over the course of the story.
Rose and Mira aren't your average archetype of nobilility, they have clear aspirations and goals. They are not blinded by loyalty to their empire (not totally anyway) and see the clear flaws in their system which they plan to rectify by coming into power. You see this in the first chapter, along with the supernatural element in Zeluhn and how he creates a sense of familiarity with the "other" in this story. The characters are ones we can admire and want to see more of.
I do however hope to see much more development from characters such as Mira, and learn more of characters like Ilyana and how their relationships with other characters will factor in how the story will play out. Without taking advantage of the things we dont know of the characters and working on going into their personalities, their fears and put them in situations which their beliefs are challenged and where the reader can emphatize with them, it can come off as the characters being "flat". Give them their own moments of personal growth.
You're prose is decent and is growing steadily. Your work has already shown me several examples of how to develop my own prose. It has an air of professionalism to it.
However there are moments, especially in scenes of high action and movement where its hard to get a grasp on what exactly is going on. Imagery is good, but I would recommend toning down on the the amount of language you use to describe whats going on if there is more than one subject, where there is a lot of movement and etc. While it may be clear in your head, it is hard to put that on paper and realy it to others. Sometimes, simplest is best so that you can allow the reader to fill in the blanks. It will be easier that way. (At least for me!)
Your grammar and vocabulary is A1. You've added a good amount words to my vocab that could prove useful in the future.
Overall, your story is far above many other "Webnovels" online. Yours capitilizes the NOVEL in that term. You put quality first, and you are consistent. Your sketches are a nice touch, and if you decide to include fully detailed and colored illustrations into your chapters, it would be a wonderful addition.
I see no reason why your story cannot be a high ranking title one day. But while your potiental for success is high, so may your risk for it falling flat. Keep true to your vision, but remember let your story tell the story for you, if that makes sense. Let your characters carry the story. The world and rules of the world are set. Let your heroines and heros work and struggle to accomplish their goals within the world you've made, and let their actions ring across the world. Create accoplishments and consequences for the good and ill that they do.
And if people couldnt tell from the cover, the love dynamic between two of these characters brings a unique element behind it; a kind of "Beauty and the Beast" sort of thing. Make this the selling point behind your title. Let it draw people in. Try to explore this as best you can.
But most importantly, enjoy writing the story. If there is something that brings out the hyped fan boy within you that you want to see in this, do it.
This is based off of A2 currently, and is rating it as such.
Story was good initally but the mc practically bows down to his 'Lover'
She is rediclousy snotty and likes to claim that its her land even though she isn't the current ruler!
She also ignores the fact that 'Claiming land' is simply a concept, human,beast, or demon can go around and say that they own land as long as they have methods to protect it.
Main issue is A2, if author has the chance a rewrite might be nice but I'll have to drop it at this point as her stuckup attitude is really annoying, especially after he saved her life.
Decent sketches. Better than the cover.
Technically adequate writing, but overly descriptive and unedited.
Constant focus on who/what the characters are looking at, and how.
Example below makes you wonder if the author read his own prose:
Rose looked at Ilyana with an expectant look of concern.
Disregarding style, characters are stereotypical, and story generic at best.