Haven in a Dangerous World (Old)

Haven in a Dangerous World (Old)

by koallary

Devin McMullen. Female. 18. Single dad. Dead mom. Good in fights and little else. No friends.

Or, at least, that's what she's always been. Now, she's not sure exactly what she is. She's never been one for reading fiction, or anything for that matter, but this feels like something straight out of a fantasy. Her newly acquired instincts, however, scream dungeon core. Whatever that is. Unlike most dungeon cores, though, she's missing something very important. A dungeon. Stuck out in the open, above ground where she's definitely not supposed to be, with not a cave in sight, or any other land form besides miles and miles of ice and snow, Devin's not sure if she can survive.

Update: Big caveate, though, just so you know. Started with this one idea and ran with it as far as I could. Characters and plot suffer from it, but I'm proud that I wrote as much as I did. I will rewrite this at some point and make it so it actually has plot.


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© [koallary] and [Haven in a Dangerous World], [2017]. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to [koallary] and [Haven in a Dangerous World] with appropriate and specific direction to the original content. 

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koallary

koallary

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Mezo
Overall

I'm a big fan of dungeon stories an this one has a good and unique start I look forward to what comes next

CandyAddict
Overall
Style
Story
Grammar
Character

A great addition to the genre

Spoiler Free Review:

This story combines aspects of other popular works on RRL like 'Legend of Randidly Ghosthound' and 'The New World' to create a great addition to the LitRPG dungeon core genre. It has a more realistic and unique start that is able to quickly draw readers in. The world building is well done and hints at a greater plot, the leveling is unique, and the flavor text is interesting. The quotes at the beginning of every chapter are probably one of my favorite things.

The writing itself is well done, with little to no gramatical issues. The author is able to create distinct characters who all act and speak differently. The protagonist also acts as one would expect of someone who doesn't play video games/know min-maxing rpgs.

The only issue I have at the moment (as of ch. 2.2) is that the protagonist's personality doesn't seem to grow much, and that her personality seems to be alot weaker than it should be (as seen in ch 1).

 

krunr
Overall
  1. Love the way the story is going . Flows smoothly with just the right but of humor in it . Can't wait to read more. Keep up with the good work.
Varion
Overall

Has promise, but probably needs a rewrite

This story shows a clear lack of direction from about halfway through, including the author asking the readers for a direction. This isn't all bad, since we got a fairly decent fiction out of it, but it hurts the story more and more as it goes along. 

One issue is a lack of strong characters surrounding the MC. The MC is a well developed character, but she doesn't develop any close ties. Another issue is the general failure to obey any dungeon tropes. That could have been a good thing, and I liked the idea of wonders, but at the same time it robbed the story of even the little bit of direction that following those tropes would allow.

All in all, it's a good try, but I'm inclined to tell the author to grab what they liked from this story, scrap it, and write something new with a better chance of reaching completion.

JHeresy
Overall

....except that I really enjoy this story. Thank you ^_^

Myrrn
Overall
Style
Story
Grammar
Character

Something Well-Written On Royal Road?!

I read this and, to my surprise, found it was actually good.

I've been searching for something decent to read on this site for the last week. I've probably went through at least 40+ top ranked stories. I haven't actually found anything I've managed to finish - except this.

Haven stands head and shoulders above most other stories on this site with strong world building, likeable characters with layers, and a story that doesn't entirely fly off the rails in the first five chapters.

The MC is kind, flawed, burdened with great power (and great responsibility) and has a good narrative voice. She's also not a sociopath who kills people for annoying her. HUGE plus. The villains are appropriately terrifying. The side characters so far range between annoying and bearable, but have the potential to be more given proper development.

The plot, thus far, is quite strong. Basically, it's the MC and her merry friends against literally EVERYONE ELSE IN THE WORLD. Lovely. The powerups feel earned, and not just scattered around like confetti. 

One of the neat little details that makes this stand out is the addition of flavor text in the level up notifications. Too often, these skill improvements windows are thrown at the character (and at the reader) without any real context. Not only do these little excerpts tell you how impressive this new skill is and what it does... it also adds added to the world building.

The world itself might, so far, be the most impressive thing about the novel. From the flavor text to the little hints the characters casually drop everywhere, it feels real. It feels like, even should the MC vanish from the story, this world will go on and it has many other stories to tell than just this one. Histories of ancient cities, far away wonders, and even cultural differences. Better, it's not all just info-dumped onto the reader until they're buried in incomprehension and boredom, but dispersed carefully.

That's not to say the story is without its flaws. The story can be unfocused. The character arc of the MC should be clearer. The side characters next to the MC are, as mentioned, not very fun to be around. The writing in general is also inconsistent. It's very clear the author is pantsing it, which is fine for now but will probably be more of an issue the longer the story goes. 

That said, for a first draft it's a pretty damn good story.

To put it simply, this story is the equivalent of the hottest girl in your computer science class. It wouldn't win any beauty contests out in the real world, but its well formed and attractive and here on RR that's enough to top the bunch.

Well worth a read.

TLDR; Good.

random262
Overall

Unique races, great world building, our protagonist being small peeble whose stats are worse than only human whose status we know so far (hp/mp regen is like x5 worse) despite being legendary dungeon, no goblins, orcs tentacle monsters, slimes and all this stuff that is so cliche you barely can stand it.

Not slice of life either, since we already know whole world will be hunting our little Haven, and I think the way it was done - splendit.

So far so good, don't let already overused cliches rule over your story, and create world unique for yourself and us. Thanks author, it's really great feeling when random click in latest releases turns out to be this kind of gem :)

DaftWully
Overall

What does a Dungeon do when it has nearly zero resources and the world is literally out to get it?  This is one of the most unique dungeon stories I have read yet and I am loving it!  

Dev is a girl that was constantly fighting to protect the weak in and around her inner-city school.  That aspect of her personality gets transfered with her when she reincarnates as a dungeon.  Her goal is one of protection in an incredibly hostile environment rather than to 'eat' as many adverturers as possible without being destroyed as is seen in so many other dungeon stories.  

While she starts out with nothing in an environment with nearly zero resources and can kill her in just a few minutes of exposure, she survuves and even thrives.  She gains skills and abilities that in normal circumstances would be considered OP, but in her environment and against opponents that are being introduced, her abilities are only just enough to allow her to survive.

On a technical level, I found the grammar and spelling to be very good.  The story flows well and I am quickly sucked in an uninterruped by any inconsistentcies.  The chapters are a little short, but koallary is updating them very quickly and keeping my addiciton satisfied.

maraud3r
Overall
Style
Story
Grammar
Character

Starts out great then takes a nosedive.

The writing itself is decent enough, there's quite a bit of world building and various characters are introduced and developed. The problem? They vanish just as suddenly as they come into the picture and so does everything else. 

Initially it seems like a pretty clear cut dungeon building story. This is abandoned fairly quickly in favour of a wide and bigger approach. There's some problems but it works well enough. Secondary characters are introduced and the domain, MC and story grows despite the first shift. 

Then, several of these initial characters are dropped entirely from the story, shortly after the author nukes the entire story. Everything that has been build so far, all that has been created and pretty much all characters are just nuked. It's all gone, completely wiped away. All the time spent on exposition, developing it and growing it was effectively entirely wasted. Apparently the author did not like the story anymore, did not know where to go from there or had decided to make a massive shift in the story. 

It's not even really elaborated on or shown. We're pretty much rushed through a few sentences in which everything is destroyed and everyone killed and then we get what is effectively a completely new story. To make matters worse, this is also where the story went from regular lenghty updates to updating once in three months. 

Honestly, at this point I can't recommend picking this up at all. I certainly regretted it despite enjoying it quite a bit and am tempted to just treat 3.10 as the bad ending of the story. The Red has won, the story is over. Might aswell because that's pretty much what happened to everything the reader has read up till then. 

 

Moreta
Overall

It's quite good read as to watch person writing himself into point at which only writing major divine intervention can keep story going. And using something of this caliber would kill story anyways.

It's generally not bad story, just one that is made to be short and with tragic end for everyone.

I would postulate author to lease existing story in place, as this is piece of curio which might turn beneficial for other beginner writers. The rewrite of story might be also good, as separate story, for the same reason, as possibility to point to those two as tangible example how to avoid creating prrmis in way which would be destructive for story (but probably still bad one for the "handling stakes" lesson)