Hello. Hashiwara Mitsuko speaking. I'm 16, a virgo, blood type O, and my favourite dish is stir-fried tomato and eggs. I have two loving (if a bit slow) parents, both in their mid-forties. I also have a twin brother, Mitsuo (I have no idea what our parents were thinking when they decided to make our names practically the same), blood type B, airhead extraordinaire and oblivious gay magnet.
Yep, that's right. Ever since we were young, I've had to chase off countless pedos, and now that we're in high school, I have to watch out for those goddamn hormonal teenage boys as well.
Straight? Hah. That's what the last shithead said before I put him in the hospital for daring to push Mitsuo down.
I don't mean to be so violent, really. It's just that there's no other choice when it comes to these things. You can't have a rational conversation with fuckers who are thinking solely with their dicks.
Thanks to that, people have started calling me 'Mad Dog'. I'm aware that there's better ways to deal with the guys who come after my brother than just kicking the shit out of them! But... just like how Mitsuo's pheromones make every man within 100m of him turn into a irrational horny bastard, they turn me into a raging monster when I sense his ass in danger.
How do I know they're pheromones? Well, long story short, I got frustrated one day and decided to change my appearance to be exactly like his and take a walk in the shadiest part of town. Not one even semi-lecherous glance was thrown my way. Then I repeated the experiment, this time with Mitsuko, the two of us looking exactly the same; hair, clothing, and even facial expression.
Yep. If you guessed that that walk was wildly different from my solo one, you're right. Have a cookie. That day was the day I truly understood just how much danger my brother was in.
Actually, now that I think about it, it's probably a good thing that my brother is such an empty headed idiot. If he wasn't, he'd probably have developed severe androphobia by the age of five. To be honest, I can't figure out if that airheadedness is hereditary (our parents also act like they were dropped repeatedly on their heads at birth), or a coping mechanism. Well, either way is fine, in my opinion.
Anyway, thanks to my reputation as a bloodthirsty delinquent, and Mitsuo's inability to make friends without impure ulterior motives (boys are a definite no, and as for girls, it just takes longer for the pheromones to affect them), the number of friends we have combined is - drumroll, please - a grand total of: 0.
I know. Amazing, right. Haaah... I want friends, damnit! I don't want the only conversations longer than ten sentences to have been only with my brother and parents!
My brother has a fanclub at school. ...I hate to admit it, but they've been pretty helpful in keeping Mitsuo's chastity safe, even if they are creepy as hell and I sometimes have to kick them out of our house in the middle of the night. Ugh. I don't want to remember the chaos that occurred when my parents decided a family trip to the hot springs was in order.
As tiring as it was, I'd gotten used to this hectic life of mine. Juggling school, my brother's admirers, other delinquents picking a fight with me, my brother's stalkers, my parents' airheaded selves, my brother's suitors, my brother's crazy fanclub... it was exhausting, but I had it more or less figured out.
And then this fucking psychedelic rainbow portal just has to appear beneath our fucking feet (in the middle of an intense game of Uno, no less!) and fucking swallow us whole.
"Agh... What the fuck?" I groaned as I came to, clutching my head. "Why's everything so fucking bright? Why does my head hurt so fucking much? And what the hell is up with that goddamn chirping noise everywhere?"
I let myself lie there for another minute, before getting up and trying to figure out where the hell I was. Last I remembered, a weirdass portal had appeared beneath us... Mitsuo! Where was he?!
I breathed a sigh of relief when I saw him lying just a few metres behind me, next to a still lake doing a really great job of reflecting the sunlight into my already sore eyes.
"Fucking..." I mumbled, as I made my way down the slightly sloping bank. The fresh grass made a nice sound beneath my feet, relieving just a little of the irritation I felt. I shook my brother. "Bro. Hey, Bro."
"Mitsuo, wake up."
"Hashiwara Mitsuo, you need to wake up, right now."
No dice. I scooped some lakewater into my hands, making ripples break out over the tranquil waters, and dumped it on my brother's face. It took a moment, but he finally clawed his way to wakefulness and sat up, blinking curiously at his surroundings and wiping his wet face with his shirt.
Well. That took less time than usual. Usually it'd take over three minutes and much more water to wake him up to this point.
"Sis...?" He tilted his head cutely with an adorably confused expression on his face. I ignored the sparkles dancing around him with the ease of 16 long (long, long) years of practice.
"How're you feeling?" I asked, letting the sparkles fade away on their own.
"My head hurts a bit, but other than that, I'm fine..." He trailed off, looking around us. "Um, Mitsuko, where are we?"
"F-" uck if I know. I coughed. Mitsuo didn't like people swearing around him. "I have no idea. What's the last thing you remember?"
"Um... we were playing Uno, I think...? And I was about to lay down a draw four-"
You son of a bitch! my mind instantly yelled. Despite the fact that that makes me a daughter of a bitch!
"-when out of nowhere, a portal appeared beneath us, I think...?" His eyebrows scrunched together (cutely, adorably, blah blah blah, from now on, just assume that everything he does has a synonym of cute attached to it). "And, um... wait, nevermind."
I was instantly on alert. "Nevermind what?"
"No, it's nothing."
"Tell me." I stared at him, knowing the pressure of my gaze would get him to cave eventually. He slumped.
"I don't think it's relevant, but," here he hesitated, eyes darting about the clearing, "while I was asleep, I... had a strange dream. It was dark, but I could hear all these voices calling me, telling me weird things," I didn't miss the slight tinge of pink that crossed his face, "telling me to come to them, and on my body, I felt... nonono, it's too embarrassing."
He covered his face with his hands, which did nothing to hide his completely red ears.
Fuck! Don't tell me, not only do I have to deal with normal perverts, I now have to deal with supernatural ones as well!? Fuck! Shit! Son of a bitch! Give me a fucking break!