(Deleted draft)

(Deleted draft)

by Aoisatan

Warning This fiction contains:
  • Gore
  • Profanity
  • Sexual Content

Deleted draft of 'The fisher and the beast'

 

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Aoisatan

Aoisatan

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drakan_glasses BE NICE! Fair critique is fair, but be respectful & follow the review rules. There will be no mercy.
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tooTimid
Overall

Slow Starter with Some Promise

Method:

Because of the length of this work, I didn't read the whole thing.  I read until about Chapter 15 and then skimmed some later chapters.  I plan on reading the rest though, to see where it's going.  If my opinions change I'll edit this review.

Pros:

-A generally enjoyable, easy to digest read.  The writing, while very lacking at the beginning seems to be improving when I skimmed the later chapters.

-Characters are consistent and I appreciate how they have a mismatch of powers.  It adds a level of humor.

-The work does a good job of not taking itself seriously.  Which is good, my review would be much harsher were that not the case as some of what's here really only works in this pseudo-parody.

 

Cons:

-The early chapters need a coat of paint.  Maybe three.  The writing and style are both pretty rough to get through and I would've dropped it if this had been a normal read.  I can't recommend enough that you go back and edit these chapters.  Maybe download the plugin "grammarly" to make things flow better.  There was a distinct lacking of commas and needed punctuation.

-You took a long break and it shows.  There are some consistency issues which, while not huge, were enough for me to go "wait, that's not X character's name".  The issue in question was I think Ana's god "Maat" (or "Matt" in earlier chapters).  There are some other issues which I think all stem from a lack of a buffer from when you write and when you release.  I'd recommend taking a small break to read over your work again and make some consistency edits.

-How you handle multiple leads makes the reading muddy.  You have a tendency to switch between talking through the characters and talking directly to the audience in asides that don't make a ton of sense for the scene.  I would recommend for each chapter or sequence (I think you use lines a few times), you only focus on one character's perspective.  Even if you have several lines in a chapter it will improve readability.

 

I'm sorry if this seems harsh but I think there's potential here in a good "another world" parody and I don't want to see that potential hampered because it's missing polish.  I hope you take my changes into consideration!

TheDangerousDino
Overall

I came from the most recent update ( Experience Ho! Pt 6 ) and I'm enjoying it so far. The story is unique and entertaining and I would recommend giving it a read.

Though keep in mind the chapters are VERY short, the writing is a little inconsistent at times and there's not much clarity on what is going on ( I assume that's going to be cleared up later. ) Also, it's present to me that Mr.Aoisatan likes what he's writing and that in itself it great. 

;)

Volos
Overall
Style
Story
Grammar
Character

As of chapter 46.  First if you’re concerned on length, don’t be.  Each chapter/scene is pretty short, but on the whole the work is neither too short nor too long—though I hope the end is in sight.  Others have noted the slow start, but I actually think the charm of the work is the beginning. 

The earlier scenes maintained a comedic narrative, mostly in comedy through absurdity.  Later on it feels like the author started to take the narrative too seriously, and made a more straight forward attempt at the LitRPG genre.  By chapter 25 I rarely even grinned to say nothing of laughing, which is unfortunate because there is some solid comedy in the first 10 chapters.

The grammar is fairly bad, which means it’s slightly below average for RRL standards.  It’s at the level of at least one mistake per paragraph, but not at the point where it constantly prevents immersion.  There aren’t any characters that are likeable, which would be fine if the comedy kept delivering, but it just doesn’t.  By chapter 46 most of the humor is thoroughly rung out, and it’s my hope the author can find some fresh inspiration to finish out the narrative (which will hopefully not drag on to long).  I’m not planning to follow this work, but I may come back time to time and check in. 

God_is_Good
Overall
Style
Story
Grammar
Character

A really fun story, great read

A really, really facinating story.  It's really funny, and got me really laughing a lot at some parts.  It has intriguing characters that seem to jump right off the page and catch your eye with crazy ideas and really fun personalities.  Although it's a little more lighthearted then my usual style, It was truly an enjoyable read.  The story is the best part.  I won't spoil anything, but it was a really intriguing plot with lots of twists and turns.  Please do give it a try, Royal Road Readers.  You won't regret it.  :)  Keep up the great work!

acederequiza
Overall
Style
Story
Grammar
Character

Read continuously until chapter 16 and then skipped some.

Style:4/5

It is not often that one could find humorous chapters at first go. While other opted for grimdark and depressing introduction, you use comedy instead. I applaud you for that. The comedy was good with quirky characters. I wanted to give you full marks for your effort but alas there was a little letdown at the latest chapters. As your style improve and you put more details into your works, the comedy that endeared me was somehow lost.

And this is a major problem with comedy. Once it dried up, its hard for us to maintain the high level we set earlier. A suggestion for you to keep it up is to watch more comedy or read something funny to get the juice flowing. Mine would be watching Mr. Bean or Peter Russel and Who's Line is it anyway?

Story: 4/5

An isekai type of story with a non standard take. Impressive but need a little more polish in term context of your world. If I'm not mistaken, you might not have plan in advance how you want it to be. You create as it flows along. So the further we read, the story gets a little more confusing.

You are doing a good job. Just needed that extra planning on your part and tie up any loose end that you might create unknowningly. 

 

Grammar: 3/5

There are alot of grammar mistakes of various types that made the flow a little jarring in the beginning but nonetheless you improved as you go on. 

 

Character: 3.5/5

Quirky characters that one could relate to. But need more from supporting characters in your story. Other than the few you started with, the rest of the characters were quite not as interesting or fleshed out as they should be. Seems like those people are just there for everyone sake of being there.

For me, what make a story interesting is not just the characters but also the support elements that make and define the character and the world. I hope you could work on it a little more.

 

Overall: 4/5

The author's improvement could clearly be seen from chapter to chapter. He is among the few that manage to learn to improve himself and thus it is evident from what I have read. Continue on improving yourself and your work. This story could be a real gem if polished properly. Once you had reached a high level in writing, do come back to your earlier chapters and improve on it. An advice that I too am currently doing. 

 

 

wezard
Overall

Tags should mean something.

Don't lie to your readers. Still you could add SC later