NPC I want experience

NPC I want experience

by peterfneill

 

A young boy wrath begins on the road to adulthood in a world with computer game rules. Trying to become a mage is not easy so first he must master the dark arts to surive all those who would see a lowly peasant who tries to become a mage dead. The nobles have hidden most of the knowledge on magic away. Or almost all some dark magc books still remain.

I am writing this book in stages and will not start publishing a stage without having the entire stage finished.

 

 

 

 

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  • Pages :
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peterfneill

peterfneill

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Table of Contents
Chapter Name Release Date
Chapter 1 I want experience ago
Chapter 2 I want better titles ago
Chapter 3 I want better spells ago
Chapter 4 I want better team mates ago
Chapter 5 I want better equipment ago
Chapter 6 I want to keep the better equipment ago
Chapter 7 I want better and more minions ago
Chapter 8 I want better and more spell scrolls ago
Chapter 9 I want gold gold and more gold ago
Chapter 10 I want weapons spells or anything else that will stop me being eaten ago
Chapter 11 Stealing experience ago
Chapter 12 Stealing Titles ago
Chapter 13 I am not stealing spells i have a libary card ago
Chapter 14 i did not kill a team mate I just let him die ago
Chapter 15 Stealing equipment ago
Chapter 16 Stealing better equipment ago
Chapter 17 Getting better Minions and regretting it a bit ago
Chapter 18 No one owned those skill books i know because i killed there last owners ago
Chapter 19 Give me your gold or I will give your ass this Sword. ago
Chapter 20 I am not stealing your land and gold I have the deeds ago
Chapter 21 trying to earn experience honestly ago
Chapter 22 trying to live down a bad title ago
Chapter 23 trying to learn new spells legally ago
Chapter 24 Trying to not get caught building Minions ago
Chapter 25 So what if there cursed rings ago
Chapter 26 Crafting better cursed items ago

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FirstDragon
Overall
Style
Story
Grammar
Character

Good concept, confusing and muddled execution

I want to recommend this story but I can't. The writing is off kilter and jumpy, perhaps English is not the author's primary language as suggested by fellow reviewer Jazehiah. The setup and structure of the story has loads of potential. Too bad it fizzles out again and again.

The world comes across as a standard D&D fantasy variant with a mysteriously embedded blue system that everyone just seems to accept. A good story does not need a unique world to succeed. There is little world-building, rather more and more of the world is revealed (sadly without much inspiration) as the MC and his crazed band flees from one town to another leaving death and disaster in their wake.

So let's touch on these characters. They seem diverse in terms of motivation, class, and background. Unfortunately, none are developed and there isn't any depth to anyone. Given how power hungry and selfish all the main characters seem to be, I'm shocked they haven't murdered one another for whatever gains that might bring. The MC is a child of 12 and his behavior honestly is not that much different from all the adults who surround him. That's not a good sign. Emotions? Huh? What are those? Outside of greed and lust for power, the story is empty of feeling. Does the MC appreciate the help of his mentor Shelly or hate her because of how she uses him? Does the MC have any feelings regarding his Orc slave? Does he like her? Does he trust her? Does he enjoy controlling her? Is she like a new toy? Because the author does not explore any of the characters it makes it difficult for me as the reader to care about anyone in the story, regardless of whether or not I approve of their behavior.

Outside of combat, everything moves too quickly and often with logical if not grammatic gaps. I feel like someone took the real film of this story and handed it to a kid with ADHD for editing....

Jazehiah
Overall

Not bad, but needs proofreading.

It develops at a good pace and the characters aren't bad, but the grammar is frustrating. I get the feeling that English is not this author's first language.

A frequent mistake I see is "hear" (as in sound) when they should use "here" (as in location). Other times, the words make sense, but they just don't flow right. Getting an editor, or having a friend to proofread it would work wonders.

If you can get past that, you'll find an interesting world and a plot with potential.

 

Mastersgtjames
Overall
Style
Story
Grammar
Character

Author please start up this story again, the grammar may be bad, but I like the story quite a bit.                                                                                                                 

                                                                                                                            

                                                                                                                               

Alkanyseus
Overall
Style
Story
Grammar
Character

Nice story, but could be better.

The story and setting are very good, but the author's inexperience regarding the writing of a story and his English skills are major limiting factors.

 

My personal advice for the author is to:

1. take a look at interpunctuation and diversify your vocabulary.

2. Flesh out the scenes a bit more. (More adjectives, advanced syntax, more descriptions, longer conversations)

maskedcerf
Overall

Bland but possess potential

First of all i won t judge the grammar because i am a foreigner.

The story itself has potentiel but your caracter lack depth and your writing is bland, its not so bad that i cannot read it but some might find it too boring

The story have potential, the ideas are good and could become something great, skill in style are easy to grow but imagination is something else, write more and you will become better in no time