A young boy wrath begins on the road to adulthood in a world with computer game rules. Trying to become a mage is not easy so first he must master the dark arts to surive all those who would see a lowly peasant who tries to become a mage dead. The nobles have hidden most of the knowledge on magic away. Or almost all some dark magc books still remain.
I am writing this book in stages and will not start publishing a stage without having the entire stage finished.
- Overall Score
- Style Score
- Story Score
- Grammar Score
- Character Score
- Total Views :
- Average Views :
- Followers :
- Favorites :
- Ratings :
- Pages :
Leave a review
I want to recommend this story but I can't. The writing is off kilter and jumpy, perhaps English is not the author's primary language as suggested by fellow reviewer Jazehiah. The setup and structure of the story has loads of potential. Too bad it fizzles out again and again.
The world comes across as a standard D&D fantasy variant with a mysteriously embedded blue system that everyone just seems to accept. A good story does not need a unique world to succeed. There is little world-building, rather more and more of the world is revealed (sadly without much inspiration) as the MC and his crazed band flees from one town to another leaving death and disaster in their wake.
So let's touch on these characters. They seem diverse in terms of motivation, class, and background. Unfortunately, none are developed and there isn't any depth to anyone. Given how power hungry and selfish all the main characters seem to be, I'm shocked they haven't murdered one another for whatever gains that might bring. The MC is a child of 12 and his behavior honestly is not that much different from all the adults who surround him. That's not a good sign. Emotions? Huh? What are those? Outside of greed and lust for power, the story is empty of feeling. Does the MC appreciate the help of his mentor Shelly or hate her because of how she uses him? Does the MC have any feelings regarding his Orc slave? Does he like her? Does he trust her? Does he enjoy controlling her? Is she like a new toy? Because the author does not explore any of the characters it makes it difficult for me as the reader to care about anyone in the story, regardless of whether or not I approve of their behavior.
Outside of combat, everything moves too quickly and often with logical if not grammatic gaps. I feel like someone took the real film of this story and handed it to a kid with ADHD for editing....
It develops at a good pace and the characters aren't bad, but the grammar is frustrating. I get the feeling that English is not this author's first language.
A frequent mistake I see is "hear" (as in sound) when they should use "here" (as in location). Other times, the words make sense, but they just don't flow right. Getting an editor, or having a friend to proofread it would work wonders.
If you can get past that, you'll find an interesting world and a plot with potential.
Author please start up this story again, the grammar may be bad, but I like the story quite a bit.
The story and setting are very good, but the author's inexperience regarding the writing of a story and his English skills are major limiting factors.
My personal advice for the author is to:
1. take a look at interpunctuation and diversify your vocabulary.
2. Flesh out the scenes a bit more. (More adjectives, advanced syntax, more descriptions, longer conversations)
First of all i won t judge the grammar because i am a foreigner.
The story itself has potentiel but your caracter lack depth and your writing is bland, its not so bad that i cannot read it but some might find it too boring
The story have potential, the ideas are good and could become something great, skill in style are easy to grow but imagination is something else, write more and you will become better in no time