Lone: The Wanderer [Old Version]

by Lone

Warning This fiction contains:
  • Gore
  • Profanity
  • Sexual Content
  • Traumatising content

Old Version of Lone: The Wanderer. I have deleted all of the chapters.

  • Overall Score
  • Style Score
  • Story Score
  • Grammar Score
  • Character Score
  • Total Views :
  • 0
  • Average Views :
  • 0
  • Followers :
  • 1,014
  • Favorites :
  • 192
  • Ratings :
  • 332
  • Pages :
  • 0
Advertisement
Remove
Go to Table of Contents
Rate it
Fiction breaking rules? Report
Advertisement
Remove
Author
Lone

Lone

The Scottish Slothy Sloth

Achievements
Word Count (18)
4,000 Followers
5,000,000 Views
The Cake is out of the Oven
Purage
10,000 Comments
  Eithbannukbrella
Author Premium Beta Testers
Double Meaning for Sleeping Contest Winner
Resilient Support
QnA Winner
300 Review Upvotes
4th Anniversary
Tadpoleon's Code
Bug Report
Advertisement
Remove
Table of Contents
Chapter Name Release Date

Leave a review

drakan_glasses BE NICE! Fair critique is fair, but be respectful & follow the review rules. There will be no mercy.
Reviews
Sort by:
PunchManParty
Overall
Style
Story
Grammar
Character

this review might change over the course of the whole story as I see fit and you also have the option to downvote this review as I know there'll be fanboys and girls out there haha.

The foundation of the story is generic or common in other terms. Reincarnation, Overpowered MC and the like which is not bad as this type of stories can always get better over time or worsen as it progresses but we'll see how Mr. Author does that as this novel has potential.

And this is where I whine like a baby. Move on if you want haha. Please make the MC stop friggin' spouting his title and powers as it gets lower impact like you intened it to be. It literally make me cringe. Why would you want the MC to be always saying things like that? I get it that you intened some characters like the goddess to know its place but just blurting it like "Hey I'm the lord of cosmos and you'll do as I see fit". Come on. What I'm afraid of happening is that for every powerful person than the average in the world that the MC will meet he'll always say he's the lord of cosmos. The releasing of aura and the execution of the hero is obvious as it is.sorry for that long whining.

In short, action speaks louder than words. Don't make the MC say how powerful or what he is capable of. Just do it.

Grammar is good for me meaning not that improper to alter the meaning of the story so it is an okay.

Style is good. The portrayal of the characters aren't confusing for me.

Character build up I'd say i'm biased on this as I always love OP MCs and their OP powers not their title declaration okay?and if ever you'll include harem, don't. It takes an awful skill to intricate the harem element without partially destroying the true plot of the story.

Your story dear Author has a lot of potential. I just pointed out things that are too obvious anyways and there's no rush in improving as long as you improve haha.

EDIT: As all readers here know, we need to see how the author manipulates the stor to be ineteresting enough as the MC is so OP AF.

Horius
Overall
Style
Story
Grammar
Character

After much drama, a normal review

This will be hopefully the last version of this review. Sadly, the drama thread was deleted, otherwise I would recommend it for a good laugh against both me and Lone. There is an achive for it, but since the mods deleted the thread I don't dare to make it public.

Currently I have read 8 chapters of this work of fiction. Needless to say, I didn’t enjoy it very much. I think that this work is heavily flawed in every possible aspect, quite possible finding it low point in the characters. This is a major issue, for most works of fictions stand and live on their characters. And since characters are so important, I will obviously start with talking about Style.

Style: The story presents several issues of lesser importance regarding style. Even though most issues are minor, they accumulate to a point in which it hurts any possible honest style-rating heavily. But as I said in a previous version of this review; style doesn’t really matter in this kind of a story. Even though I said it then in a condescending tone, it truly is my honest opinion for Japanese light-novel inspired works, since those almost work under different laws of style than your regular western literature.

Below, between a spoiler warning, you will find an explained list of issues I have with the style. The examples are from the ‘prologue’. Prologue in apostrophe, since this prologue is in truth a regular chapter. If you want to know what a prologue is supported to do and be, please read Kina’s rant on prologues: http://royalroadl.com/blog/7029

SPOILER

SPOILER

  1. This work of fictions adds sound effect as if in a comic, writing them out and not writing about them. Example: *alarm ringing*
  2. Speech is already better indicated than in many other stories here on RRL, but still not entirely correct. If you write something regarding the spoken sentence directly following the spoken sentence, you don’t end the speech with a point, question mark or exclamation mark. In that case, you end the sentence with a comma, since the following explanation is to be considered part of the sentence. For the same reason, the sentence following the quotation marks doesn’t need to begin in capital letters except when it is a name.
    Example from the fiction: "Urgh...shut up!" The man lying face down in his bed grumbled.
    Corrected version: "Urgh... shut up," the man lying face down in his bed grumbled.
  3. Many if not most sentences are badly constructed, which both needlessly takes the word count high into the air and quite frankly wastes the readers time.
    Example: It was Saturday morning again. The day that he hated the most, even more so than Monday. The man had to visit the bank again today.
    Corrected Example: It was his most hated day Saturday again, the day he had to visit the bank
  4. Redundant sentences are another problem in this story and another time killer for the reader.
    Example: This trip to the bank was the cause of his disgruntled feelings at having to actually wake up.
    This entire sentence is unnecessary, since it was already established that Saturday is the man most hated day in the week for the necessarity to visit the bank.
  5. Thoughts are indicated with an unconventional sign, the author indicates it between two “ ° ”, while thoughts are orthodoxly indicated between two” ’ ”. Additionally, many authors like to differentiate the thoughts in their works further by the use of italics. The same issue as in point 2 is still valid here.
    Example: °Thank the heavens above it didn't break because I can't afford a new one, not on my paycheck.° The man acknowledged internally.
    Corrected example: ‘Thank the heavens above it didn't break because I can't afford a new one, not on my paycheck,’ the man acknowledged internally.
  6. As with sounds, the passage of times is sometimes shown as in a comic. This is even more vexing for the mind, since the author has proven that he can do it right just two paragraphs further up.
    Bad example from the author: 1 HOUR LATER, AT THE BANK
    Good example from the author: Thirty minutes, a shower and some toast later, …
    Even though I have to correct the placement of the second comma in the good example, it would stand better behind ‘toast’. But really, the placement of the comma is nitpicking since both locations are grammatically correct.
  7. Contradicting sentences following each other is another problem that I found at least in one instance.
    Example: The banker was rather pleased that he had actually shown up today. The man always showed up, …
  8. Confusing sentences thanks to either faulty construction or unnecessary words appearing from thin air.
    Example: Upon receiving it, he entered in into a device that such things before the man gave the device to Darren.
    I have absolutely no idea what ‘that such things’ is doing in this sentence, and trying to understand this is breaking my head apart.
  9. Using [] and bold letters for an all-encompassing being is fine, after all it speaks directly to his being and is another kind of communication, but the later use of {} for the system even though it is written on a table in front of the MC is not correct style. Either putting it in a table or writing it dislodged in comparison to the regular text would have been better style.

    For the use of tables, it would look like the following while writing it:

    [table]
    [tr]
    [tds] Please choose ten powers to bring with you into your new life, and the system shall select or create the selected powers according to the user's desires [/tds]
    [/tr]
    [/table]

    You can just copy this, you won’t see this as a table in the review since tables don’t work in reviews.

SPOILER END

SPOILER END

Grammar: Like with the style there are numeral mistakes found under the point of ‘grammar’. Different than with style, I will not point each and every mistake out, for that would convolute this review more than it already is. I would simply recommend for the author to get a good proofreader, in the community of this page you will find several people willing to do so for free. Well, at least if you earn no money with their proofread.

Story: The story is in my opinion a badly implemented reincarnation story with a MC born with the golden skill spoon in mouth. Once again, further information is to be found between the big fat spoiler warning.

SPOILER

SPOILER

As previously stated, the main character was born with a metaphorical ‘golden skill spoon’ in mouth, with which I mean that the main character can get whatever skills he might desire.

At the very beginning of the story he got the option to choose ten random skills based solely on his imagination, which basically means that he already won. As far as I can tell, the skills have no limit of possible power since he even could ask for a skill that enslaves gods.

The only reason why this work of fiction is longer than four chapters is because the main character stupidly decides to take skills which make him overpowered in time instead of instantly. But exactly that takes any heat out of the story, since every conflict now is artificially created by the main character. In the worst case, he still does have further skills to choose from in order to survive anything and everything.

The previous enslaved god was a kind and helpful little girl, by the way. And her placement of enslavement is a black void inside of the main character’s body, in which she helplessly cried for being teared away from home by a psychopathic character which so far just insulted and screamed at her. She was in that void for days just to be summoned and be slept on by the naked MC. I don’t know why the author both decided to portray the main character as a good guy and name him after his own user handle, but I find it a highly questionable decision.

SPOILER END

SPOILER END

Character: In the eight chapters I have read we have encountered three characters; the main character Lone, the girl-bodied goddess Sophia and an unimportant banker. I will talk about the former two, as the baker plays no importance in the story even as a side character. Once again, I will use the same spoiler mark as previously.

SPOILER

SPOILER

The main character is highly sociopathic in my opinion. He hates people, but forces another being to be constantly in his environment. Angering the main character or getting him in otherwise emotional distress is very easy, and he will remain in such a state four hours on end while latching out on his innocent environment. Even though he is portrayed as intelligent this is not reflected in his actions, as he takes stupid decision after stupid decision. Angering and enslaving one of possible many gods is high on my list of stupid things to do. Quite honestly, I wouldn’t be surprised if the main character later decided to rape the little girl he already enslaved, as I consider rape to be the lesser crime compared to slavery.

The goddess is a kind and helpful little girl, even though her intelligence is no greater than that of the main character Lone. After all, how intelligent can you be if you need a long time to understand the identity of the person in front of you while the person himself basically tells you who he is and you know that you have to be close to the person that just enslaved you, while also instantly seeing your enslaver who constantly shouts and insults you as a good man after he managed to talk to himself in a somewhat calm manner. This is straight out retarded. It feels like Sophia is purely the wife that the author wished his after himself named character to have.

SPOILER END

SPOILER END

Final thoughts: I got much hate for my critic on the MC’s behavior, that I just don’t understand dark stories. No, that is not true. I understand dark stories, but you don’t seem to. In dark stories, the author doesn’t try to convince us that the evil character is a really good guy. In dark stories, the world feels oppressive. In dark stories, we either are to hate the villain, intrigued by the dark ideas of the character, or hope the best for the poor innocent characters. Tell me, is any of this the case for this story? No, at least not as far as I read.

It feels more like that the main character will get a redemption arc, to show that he really is a nice guy, which I call utter bullshit. There are things which inherently destroys any moral integrity you see in another person, even in fictional characters. Enslaving a little girl for your own demerit is one such thing. He could now save entire worlds and free thousands of slaves on a daily basis, and I would still view him as lower as the scum under my shoe, for we saw what he is capable of on just a whim. The main character is an emotional monster.

Leaving this issue behind; the amount of ‘good-work’ stars didn’t change compared to my previous version of this review. I know that it seems unfair on the casual glance because the overall score is not even near the average of the other scores, but this is because not every field is equally important in a story. What is the use of good grammar if both the story and the characters are miserable? And I already conceived previously that the style is not all that important for this kind of story. So, why would I allow those two points to heavily influence the overall-rating if their effect on the story are so low? I know that the dedicated readers of this story might think that even this version of the review is biased, and I understand that you don’t want to see fault in what you love, but I honestly don’t think that this review is biased.

jacob73
Overall
Style
Story
Grammar
Character

Warning: This review may change over time depending on how lazy I am/whether I am forced to change my opinion. Also, there may be a couple unimportant *spoilers* up to chapter 14

So far, this story is decent. It is no masterpiece, by any means, but it is also not unbearable, which is a pretty good place to be for your first story.

Story: The story is another typical reincarnation/world transfer that we have all seen on RR before, but that doesn't make it horrible, it just means it isn't very original so far. Having "god" be his first companion is probably the most unique thing done so far, though that seems to simply be a tool to usher romance in quickly. 

I was worried about how overpowered you could be making him at such an early stage in your story, but the way he limited himself removes that worry, even if it does create a new problem that will be mentioned later. Also, a little warning to the author, remember to use time skips sparingly. They are powerful when used correctly, but they too often become a tool to skip over having to use those pesky details that are oh so important.

Character: The characters is one of the places where I find your story seems to struggle. There are only two real characters at 14 chapters (sorry System). Lone seems to be a slightly interesting character, if I could get past amazing mood shifts he seems to endure. One moment he's angry, so angry that he can't calm down for 30 hours. Yet, he manages to calm down like a champ once he is in the other world. The same personality traits don't seem to stick on him. He is vindictive and petty at first, and yet calm and calculating, even kind at times, within a couple of chapters. There is no real reason for these changes. He even somehow cares about Sophie, whos feelings he totally disregarded chapters before. His motives seem extremely cloudy at times, like with the decision to limit himself that I mentioned before. Given that he could easily become the most overpowered being ever right near the beginning of the story, he decides not to because it would be childish??? Obviously I don't want an MC that OP that fast, but his reasoning shouldn't really be that flimsy. Why does it matter that it would be childish? Is that really the only reason to challenge himself? 

As for Sophie, she is a pretty average character. She doesn't seem to serve much of a purpose yet besides being a good POV to use and a potential romantic partner for the MC. I will give you the benefit of the doubt, and assume you have more plans for her in the future.

Grammar: This is, honestly, one of the most important pieces in this review. Your story, unlike a breathtaking number of others on RR, is actually readable. Your grammar is actually good, besides a few mistakes here and there. Just make sure it stays like that. 

Style: This is probably the single weakest part of your story. You suffer greatly from the "tell dont show" disease. This is very obvious when you try to do exposition, especially in the prologue. This is very common for new authors, so just try to improve it, and do more "show don't tell". For example, in the prologue, you provide all the information we ever need to know about the MC in one paragraph by having him talk out loud about himself and his entire history. Instead of having him state that he was in a mountain of debt because of his parents' failed company, you could have shown him retrieving bills and demands from banks, with him mentioning his parents disappearing.

Another issue with style is the constant cursing early. As a person who greatly enjoys swearing, I have no issue with the language, but it gets to the point where the MC swearing every sentence does nothing to advance his personality, and it seems pointless. 

The only other issue with the story that I feel compelled to mention is the romance. At this moment, with the tags you have, it seems obvious that Sophie will get together with the MC. That is fine, but what I have to warn you about is to not fall into the trap that other authors on this site fall into. Don't rush the romance and make Sophie into a cheap character in the process. Don't rush into an abundance of sexual content every few chapters because of some poll, or because it's a fast way to get viewers. PLEEEEASE focus on quality. Your story deserves it.

Finally, I would like to praise you for taking the first steps on the long journey that is writing. No matter what people say, including me, keep writing stories if that's something you love. Use criticism as fuel, and don't grow desperate, just grow. The quality and the viewership comes with time. Pace yourself. Writing a story is no sprint, and you don't need to push 2 chapters out every day, as long as you work hard on every one of them.

Keep up the good work laughing 

Noir Light
Overall

So, I red some of other reviews and the readers of this story and the readers either turn out to love it or hate it, no middle ground. As for me I love it, I like the characters and just the genarel story just 'cause I can't tell what will happen next. The Style, or Flow of the story is good too, it doesn't seem forced at all more along the lines of 'have fun' (if that makes since).

Other reviews mention grammer issues but I was too engrossed by the story to actually notice any such thing so I am leaving the Grammer Score empty. 

The thing that really drew me to this story was the cover page (cool art) and that the MC or Main Character isn't human in this story, I am big fan of the Non-Human stories.

puppy0cam
Overall

this story in a single word

controversial

this story has been on the receiving end of drama and contoversy for a while now. people are failing to read furrther and also failing to only judge the story if they have read it to the current chapters. 

these people leave a harsh rating, they ignore the mature content warnings. the traumatising content warning in particular is not being followed up by the readers.

personally, a rating is your personal opinion of the story up until the most current chapter, a review is a unbiased opinion on whether the story is good or not.

the problem with the current rating system lies in the fact that a bad rating is going to affect the overall rating far more than a positive rating. the affect this can have on the story has been seen to cause ten times the amount of positive reviews to outweigh a single bad review.

this issue is partially improved by the fact that reviews that rate the categories get the most priority, a regular review will gain the next best amount and a regular rating has the least impact on the novel's rating

the problem is not completely solved though as it is easily abused to give badly written category reviews that are negatively affecting the overall rating.

 

I found it neccesary for me to post this here to help anyone (who actually bothers to read this) understand how first impressions are vital. the problem with this one is that people ignore the mature content warnings. in the future please read further than that first ten or so chapters.

Echoingbird96
Overall
Style
Story
Grammar
Character

I feel like this story is good to read as a way to pass time. The chapters aren't too long, so if you are waiting or something you could read a chapter or two. That's just an example, though. I gave the characters 3 stars because, even though they are good and are developed well enough, I feel like they still have room for improvement. The grammar I give a 4 and a half because although it's mostly correct, there are a few errors I noticed here and there. Although it's nothing too noticeable. For the story score, 3 stars. I say this because in the beginning the chapters are paced a bit too quickly, but that's smoothed out later on. Also because even though they are short chapters, I feel that roughly a little over 300 words are a bit too short. I recommend at least 500, which is fixed in later chapters. One last thing on why I gave it 3 stars is because I feel that the plot itself is a bit too easy to figure out. There wasn't much that gave you wondering what would happen next. But overall I give this 4 stars as its a good pass time if you want to read something quick and that it's entertaining and has a lot of potential to turn into something amazing. 

Mezhanos
Overall
Style
Story
Grammar
Character

This story was quite enjoyable and entertained me greatly and I must thank you for it. Although there are some bad points, they are mostly my own preferences ( has to be  more descriptive, too faced paced for my liking etc ). I would like to however encourage you to use a subheading or some sort to show who's POV it is. Its not a big problem or anything but it makes the story look nice. Thank you again for a amazing story so far.

soulreaper31337
Overall
Style
Story
Grammar
Character

After reading a few of the low rating reviews i had to post one myself; ignore those impatient people this series is worth trying.  The series isnt perfect but it is building up to be an excellent series i would compare to Hardcore OP-ness, with less harem in it. 

antioch75
Overall
Style
Story
Grammar
Character

Story and author are obviously evolving

I am reserving the right to alter this review, since the story is just getting off the ground.  

Just like in real life, I don't like all his characters, but I don't like everyone I work with either. 

It is obvious that the author is getting better and better as he writes, so I am looking forward to see how they and the story improves.

Sobek
Overall
Style
Story
Grammar
Character

I enjoy this fiction, and the author seems to have the same personality as myself. He gets angry easily if someone slams his work. The same thing happens to me so here I am.

Honestly I did not enjoy the first 20-30 chapters. But, that is fine there is always time for the story to improve and I respect that. The author stated that this is a learning or experimentation fiction for him. Once the author figured his own writing style out the novel got much better. I recomend you read to the current place first and judge later. I for one very much enjoy watching a fledgling writer spread his wings and learn to fly (Or write). 

Keep doing what you are doing, this story has a lot of potential to be exploited. Even if you fail, you can always start another one ;)